Corporate Hearts: Tales of the Lesser Organs
by Ziltron
Summary: The longest running Kingdom Hearts parody in the history of Kingdom Hearts parodies is finally complete. Corporate Hearts: FINAL MIX
1. 000 New Game

Disclaimer: The author shall herein use characters he does not own, use words you don't understand, and reference things you are not familiar with. But if anyone was going to sue fanficcers for blatantly abusing copyright laws, I think they would have done it by now.

_Thinking of Kingdom Hearts, wherever I am…_

_We pray for our teenage angst to end  
and hope that Sora will be our friend  
Now I will write fan fiction to realize this wish _

_And who knows:  
writing a cheap knock-off may not be so hard  
or maybe it has already been done_

_There are many_ Kingdom Hearts _fan fictions  
but they violate one copyright-  
one copyright, one destiny_

* * *

I've been having these weird thoughts lately…  
Like, is any of this real or not?  
And why can I only speak in haiku?

But then I fall into the ocean,  
Which becomes the sky,  
Which becomes the ocean again.

Then I land on my head,  
At the bottom of the sea.  
And it really hurts.

Hey, is that dance music?

Another franchise…  
Many franchises…  
Somewhere out across the endless sky…  
Will you take hold of destiny…  
Or just let it go?

Who are you?  
And why are your words appearing  
On the other side of the page?

So much to do…  
So little time…  
Take your time.

Always have,  
Mysterious incorporeal voice  
In my head.

Don't be stupid.  
The door is still shut.  
Now, step forward.  
Can you do it?

... ... ... ... ... Uh, yeah, is this okay?

Power sleeps within you.  
If you give it form…  
It will give you strength.  
Choose well.

Wait, what are my choices?

I'm glad you asked!  
Welcome to Crazy Incorporeal Voice's  
House of Mystic Powers!  
Today's Specials:

1). The power of the multi-national corporation.  
Invincible economy.  
A business plan of terrible destruction.

2). The power of the fan fiction author.  
Kindness to insert friends.  
A disclaimer to repel all lawsuits.

3). The power of the televangelist.  
Hair strength.  
A career of women and ruin.

Those mystic powers suck!

Hey, I've been in the  
Disembodied guide business  
For years,  
So take it or leave it.

Then I'll leave it.

It's your funeral.  
Use this power to protect yourself and others.  
There will be times you have to fight.

Say WHAT?

Keep your light burning strong, Kemosabe.

Wait just a cotton picking–

Behind you!

Huh?

... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... Good riddance, sucker!

HEY! GET BACK OVER HERE!  
WHERE'D HE GO?  
THAT LITTLE GOOD FOR NOTHING…  
I'LL KILL HIM!

**What are you so afraid of?**

Oh boy, more voices.  
Hey, you!  
Yeah, you!  
I'll give _you_ something to be afraid of!

**What's most important to you?**

Booty.

**What do you want out of life?**

To get my hands  
Around one of you guy's necks.  
And squeeze.

The day that you will open the door is both far off and very near…  
Like Christmas break in November.

The closer you get to the light, the greater your shadow becomes…  
Unless you keep going into the light, then you just die.

But don't be afraid.  
You hold the mightiest weapon of all:  
A large, blunt, and unwieldy object.

So don't forget…  
You are the one who will open the door.  
It's in your contract with Disney and Square-Enix.

Leave me alone!

Whatever.

* * *

Author's Notes: 

Welcome to Kingdom Hearts: Tales of the Lesser Organs, the greatest work of fiction ever conceived by mortal man. Or rather, mortal _men_. My little brother helped .

So this is a Kingdom Hearts fan fic, and it's a parody/self-insertion. The rest of it isn't in the same script-like format, just straight-up prose. I'd like to think that its greatness speaks for itself, but instead, I'll beg:

PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, READ THIS FAN FICTION! I've spent countless man-hours on it, typing, revising, clarifying. It is probably responsible for the loss of two separate GPA points and my descent into alcoholism/psychotic rage. This is the fan fiction which tore my life apart.


	2. 001 A World Not Right

Chapter One: A World Not Right

* * *

Sora stood in the surf, his face shining in the sunset. He spread his arms wide and began to tip over. He fell and fell and fell, as if Benny Hinn had slayed him in the Spirit. He plunged beneath the waves like a knife through 'I-Can't-Believe-It's Not-Butter' and immediately smacked his nose into the sandy bottom. 

Kairi and Selphie sat on the beach, idly playing with 'Triple Triad' cards. "What the hell is that idiot doing now?" said Selphie, an incredulous smirk shooting up her mouth.

"How should I know?" said Kairi. "He and Riku have been acting very strange lately." She gestured toward Riku, who was standing by the Paupu tree with his eyes shut, chanting a fell incantation. Suddenly, he cut it off and raised his arms to the heavens, screaming the four unknown names of the dark gods:

"ELLIPSIS OMNICRON BEETLEJUICE QWERTY!"

There was a long pause. His eyes opened slightly. "Damnation!" he screamed, his long hair flapping carelessly in the wind. "Where in Sheol is that accursed plague of darkness?"

"Yeah, well, they've never been the brightest two headlights, if you know what I mean," said Selphie. "I've been worried about Riku since he started that whole 'effeminate' stage. You know, I found him rooting through my purse yesterday? He says he was looking for a breath mint, but now I can't find my eyeliner."

"Riku's just struggling with normal teenage stuff, Selphie. If he wants to prance around like a reject from a Marilyn Manson video, I say let him. What worries me is Sora. Think about it: he goes swimming in no less than three layers of clothing, not to mention those heavy chains. One day, he's not gonna come back up."

Sora bobbed to the surface of the water, choking on the salty brine. He just couldn't understand it. In the dream, he fell into the water, which became the sky, which became the water, which became a magical land filled with goodies. He clenched his teeth, pinched his nose, and belly flopped.

"Wakka and Tidus do it too," said Selphie.

"Yeah, but Sora is _cute,_ not to mention the hero of the story. If something happens to him, we're all out of a job. Wakka and Tidus are just cameo characters. They're expendable."

"Hey, I'm a cameo character too!"

"My point exactly."

Wakka, who was playing Blitzball with Tidus, shook his head at Sora's underwater gymnastics. "That Sora be one crazy mon, Ja? _Calllyyypsooo_…"

Behind him, the Blitzball shot out of the waves in a long, high arc. A second later, Tidus shot out behind it, arms stiff to his sides, his body shaking. He hit the ball at the height of its arc with his nose, sending it sailing into the distance. Wakka threw him a fish. Tidus cackled gleefully.

Sora stuck his hands in his pockets, turned his back on the water, and began whistling innocently. Then, he spun around and flung himself into the waves, who weren't fooled one bit.

Selphie sniffled indignantly. "As long as we're criticizing people's fashion tastes, what's with you? Slinking around in tiny skirts and tank tops like some prepubescent hooker. Why don't you just throw your non-existent breasts into Sora's hands, ya big-headed freak of nature?" And with that, she stomped off to go attack helpless animals with her jump rope.

"You know," sighed Kairi, "I wonder if it's possible to have worse friends than mine?"She looked up at the sky, gazing into its blue depths. "Is there anyone out there," she whispered, "Who's as miserable as me?"

Little did she know, hardly could she suspect, that past those skies and clouds, and even past the stars the shone in the night, were many, many worlds filled with people more miserable than her. Not that knowing this would have cheered her up.

Among those myriad worlds, there is one that Kairi should've known about, the most miserable world of all. It is separated from the others, locked away in lonely mystery. It is a world trapped in the innermost darkness, with no magic or wonder, nothing but jaded, calculated hatred for itself. In our worlds, this dark, dark place is known as "Earth."

Now, of all the peoples of Earth, the greediest, wealthiest, and most self-loathing were called "Americans." Despite their vast power and privilege, they all felt sorry for themselves and moped around rotting their minds with a thing called "television." But they were not all bad. In fact, two of them helped save our worlds. It may seem like an odd thing for such people to end up as heroes, but this story, though true, is itself very, very odd.

On the fine day that our story begins, two American teenagers decided to sit around and do nothing. They did an awful lot of it when they hung out together. The first boy was Noel Kleidon, a foul-mouthed, skinny-as-a-rail, 6'5" monstrosity who didn't do much apart from nothing. He just sat around all day illegally pilfering music from the internet, playing video games until his eyes bled, and telling his mother that he never loved her. Noel dressed in skateboard punk clothes, although he had the board skills of an elderly Amish gentleman with milk-churning-related arthritis.

The second boy's name was Blake Avery, a shy and sensitive male whose sexual orientation was a matter of fierce debate. He did an awful lot of things (like musical theater, crypto-theology, and the culinary arts) but he didn't do any of it very well. This lack of talent, combined with a demanding schedule and a poor immune system, made him tired, angsty, and filled with hatred for his fellow man. He was dressed in the trenchcoat that never left his body, a black T-shirt, and oversized black pants.

Needless to say, neither of them had a girlfriend.

On this particular day, they were playing _Final Fantasy X-2: Charlie's Gullwings_, or rather, Noel was playing it. Blake was sitting on the couch watching him, or rather, watching the scantily clad female protagonists fight evil in a highly fashionable way. It was an unspoken rule that when they hung out that Noel could play single player games as much as he wanted, but Blake was expected to sit on the couch and make snide comments. They tried playing multi-player games for a while, but Blake had a knack for killing his friends in Deathmatches and Noel had an anal obsession with never losing.

Once, at a church picnic, Noel sabotaged the three-legged race by entering with a Vietnam Vet who had stepped on a land mine. While all the other groups were still trying to work out things like "teamwork," Noel strapped the poor man to his side and ran down the field to the finish line, dragging him over rocks the whole way. Unfortunately, this caused the Vietnam Vet to have flashbacks of prison-camp torture and he subsequently torched the picnic grounds, the picnic lunch, and the pastor's wife.

The point is, Noel was beating up on helpless video game animals and Blake was brooding a safe distance away from the controller. And as Blake was brooding dark thoughts of how Square-Enix was ruining the _Final Fantasy_ franchise, Noel was having thoughts of an entirely different nature:

"Yuna wears pink panties!" he cried.

Blake, being the self-righteous prude he was, turned very red and screamed, "What? You can't say things like that! Even if it is true, which _I_ wouldn't know, seeing as how I would gouge out my eyes before laying them on that part of a woman, it's still wrong to acknowledge the existence of panties _and_ their colors. No matter how cute the owner of said panties may be. Besides, Rikku is cuter."

"Too bad I'll never get to see them crumpled up beside my bed," mused Noel as he totally ignored his friend, "That is, outside of some poorly drawn doujinshi on my part."

Blake's liver collapsed from the strain of pumping every ounce of bile in his body directly into his throat. He fell over backwards, choking to death. Noel glanced over at the noise.

"Damn Al Behd lover," he muttered, turning back to the game just in time to notice that his party had died. Unfortunately, he completely failed to check his friend's vital signs. Had he, this story might have avoided ever being written.

* * *

Author's Notes:

Not much to say...this was the first part of the fan fiction to be written. I guess that's an interesting fact. Not really. Oh well.

Next time: Part Two - The Happiest Place on Earth


	3. 002 The Happiest Place on Earth

Chapter Two: The Happiest Place on Earth

* * *

Michael E. Eisner sat in his office in Disneyworld, leafing through a financial report and trying to restrain his urge to kill. Walt's massive financial empire was in the crapper again. _Home on the Range_ had sold like a Thai hooker with an Adam's apple. The religious right was pissed off with him again because _Minnie Mouse's Illustrated Human Biology for Kids_ had a Kama Sutra pull-out chart. Damn fascist southern Baptists. 

"_Hmm…_" he thought, "_'Fascist Baptists.' I should write that down, it kind of rhymes. Maybe the songwriters could use it in our next musical._" Then, he shook his head, as if clearing it. Those people were already on the verge of declaring Mickey Mouse the Antichrist.

Leaning back in his padded ergonomic chair, he began to reflect on the company's woeful financial state and who he would shift the blame to. First, he considered President Bush, but everyone seemed to be doing that lately. Next, he considered America's youth, who were too busy watching MTV and getting pregnant to enjoy quality family entertainment. But even promiscuous children seemed like a hollow excuse. Standing up with a sigh, he walked over to the windows which overlooked the happiest place on earth, hoping to borrow just a little of that joy.

Suddenly, it hit him. He would blame his employees! It seemed logical, as they had recently gone on strike. In fact, they were conducting a protest march out there right now, waving pitchforks and setting things aflame. He waved at Ted-from-Accounting, who was leading them all in a round of The Internationale:

"_Arise ye workers from your slumbers  
Arise ye prisoners of want  
For reason in revolt now thunders  
And at last ends the age of cant._"

Down on the ground, the assembled masses were joined by a group of irate animators and the janitorial staff. If the Legal Department, costumed mascots, and Division for Unethical Bioengineering would join them, they would have a full showing of the proletariat. A feeling of beautiful unity gripped them and they joined hands.

"_Away with all your superstitions  
Servile masses arise, arise  
We'll change henceforth the old tradition  
And spurn the dust to win the prize._"

Ted-from-Accounting wiped a tear from his eye. He wished his dead hippie momma could see him now. If this wasn't sticking it to the man, he didn't know what was. All around him, the Marketing Department was plastering giant posters of Engles, Marx, and Lenin over the smiling pictures of Disney characters.

But then, a wave of silence fell over the assembly. Two god-like figures cut straight through the workers and to the front of the crowd. Whispers of worry shot through the gathering like an enema moving through an impacted colon. The first figure waved his hands for silence and addressed the crowd.

"Well, gwarsh, there sure are a lot of you folks out here today," he said, scratching his head absentmindedly, "Too bad you want to destroy the borsch wand." His partner leaned in and whispered something in his ear. "Oh, sorry. What I meant to say was 'bourgeois.'"

"No," said his partner, "What you meant to say was 'EAT ELECTRIC DEATH, YOU PINKO BASTARDS!'" And with that, he lifted his wand and unleashed Thundaga on the blythe revolution, causing the united comrades to scream in one voice of terrible agony. A few eyeballs exploded and the air was filled the distinct smell of roast pork. After what seemed like an eternity of pain, the spell ended and they sank to the ground, some dead and most longing for sweet, low-carb oblivion.

Eisner opened his window and gave Goofy and Donald Duck a thumbs-up. "Thanks boys!" he shouted, "Oh, can you make sure that Ted-from-Accounting's body is defiled by wild dogs?"

"Can do!" said Donald, giving back the thumbs up.

The windows snapped shut and Eisner smiled. Nothing made him happier than crushing the masses.

"Fucking prick," said Donald, retracting his thumb and extending a middle finger towards his corporate master. He pulled a pack of cigarettes from his back pocket and lit one up, casually flinging the still-burning match onto a dying soul's face.

Goofy walked through the moaning wage slaves, giving help where he could. Coming upon a battered boy from the Child Sweatshop Labor division, Goofy took out a Potion and offered it to him. But the boy stoically lifted a hand to stop him.

"Don't you wanna re-grow your skin? Hyuck!"

The boy looked up at Goofy with his one eye that hadn't fused shut and croaked the song's chorus though his cracked and bleeding lips:

"_So (moan) comrades, (COUGH! HACK!) come rally  
And the (gurgle) last fight let us face  
The Interna(gag)tionale unites the (groan) human race._"

Donald walked over and shook his head. "Forget these morons, Goofy. There's crullers in the break room."

"Donald, why do we have to be so mean to the pinkos?" said Goofy.

"Because they're the enemies of the Company. If the fuckers had their way, we'd all be out of a job."

"But the Company does a lot of mean things to them. Don't they just wanna be free? Is that bad?"

"Yeah, that's a great idea. Shit, let's dissolve the Company. Don't you know what happens when a corporation breaks up?"

"Well, gwarsh, no."

Donald sighed. "The Heartless take it over. You know, those weird-looking demon-thingies? Everything we hold dear would fall into the darkness and be lost forever. That's why we put up with the Company's bullshit – the alternative is total annihilation."

"Where do those guys come from anyway?"

"Do you even know what Disney does? We make movies and TV shows for the World of Darkness."

"Uh, you mean, 'Earth?'"

"Yeah, Earth. Without our products to distract them, the earthers become Heartless. Apparently, their lives are so meaningless that they give into despair and lose their hearts. Then, they come to our worlds."

"That doesn't sound too good, Donald."

"No, my dimwitted friend, it isn't good at all. Now come on, I want my damn cruller."

The two friends sighed and walked off to find sugary respite from the stench of burning flesh. Inside the break room, they found Minnie and Daisy flipping through old issues of Vogue and killing off a six-pack of Bud Light.

"G'morning, ladies!" said Goofy, waving a friendly wave.

"Hey Goofy," said Minnie, "CEO Mickey told me he wants to see you two guys in the executive boardroom for a minute, and he looked pissed. You guys better get up there before he puts you in a direct-to-video sequel or something."

Goofy swallowed hard. Mickey could be such a bastard sometimes. Ever since Walt disappeared, it was like he had a hoard of invincible magic broomsticks up his ass.

"Donald, we better get goin'!" yelped Goofy, only to see his buddy getting hell from Daisy.

"What, now you go on the break again? I stay at home, I work my fingers to the bone, and all that you should sit here eating bagels and lox? You want I should die? You will be the death of me, you will!"

Donald sighed. His mother told him to marry a nice Catholic duck, but nooo…

"Come on Goof; let's go see what CEO Mickey wants. Walt knows it can't be any worse than what this woman will do to me."

"You shut your filthy goyum mouth, Donald!" snapped Daisy.

Donald and Goofy ran to the boardroom to see the CEO, tails between their legs.

* * *

Author's Notes: 

Update day is Friday! Yay!

This chapter was actually a fairly late addition. But Goofy and Donald never get as much screen time in fan fictions as they deserve. I mean, hell, they're in pretty much all of the game...

At least there aren't a lot of Goofy/Donald slash fics. That would be really, really creepy.

Deleted Scenes:

Originally, each chapter was going to have an obscure mystical saying in it. These were dropped because they, in my co-author's words, 'sucked.' But, I've decided to put them here in the author's notes, 'cause I can. :p

(From Part One) - _The Heart is a strange thing, who can say they understand it? Out of the same Heart comes both blessing and curses, hope and fear, love and hate. If our own Hearts are so foreign to us, how can we understand the Heart of another? Yet, even though we do not know each other's Hearts as such, they can be joined with bonds so strong they cannot be broken._

(From Part Two) - _There are those, young one, who would steal your Heart from you, but you must guard it from them jealously. What will you give in exchange for it? What price is high enough to dwell in eternal darkness?_

The rest will be put up with their chapters.

Next Time:

Part Three: What Infomercials May Come


	4. 003 What Infomercials May Come

Chapter Three: What Infomercials May Come

* * *

Blake lay in deathly silence for a long, long time on the floor of Noel's house. Slowly, he rose out of his own body and found himself in a place between life, death, and the mystery prize box. He floated in an endless abyss, surrounded by darkness. All he could hear was blood pumping in his astral ear-extensions. 

"_Am I dead?_" he wondered. "_And if this is the afterlife, should I have taken a book or something?_"

Then a light appeared, revealing a cloaked figure. It held in its clawed hands a mystic rune carved on rock cut from Satan's throne. In the distance, a chorus line of false prophets chanted incantations from _Maximum Cher_. The beauty of the evil was so much that Blake almost lost bladder control.

"Are you tired of not being able to bend the very fabric of reality to your evil desires?" said the figure, in a voice filled with the raspy rattle of dead men's bones.

"I know _I_ am!" said Blake.

"Do your friends mistreat you, making life itself an unbearable burden?"

"It's like he _knows_ me!"

"Have you ever wished there was a way to corrupt the integrity of the physical universe in order to destroy all life?"

"Intriguing!"

"If that's you, then have we got a deal for you! Hollow Bastion Publishing, a world-wide authority in evil, is offering a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for the evil amateur, enthusiast, or professional!"

"Tell me more, mysterious cloaked figure!"

The cloaked figure walked forward and removed his hood, revealing a surprisingly bishounen man with dead, pale hair and eyes that spun with the madness of a thousand demons. "Hi, I'm Ansem McClure, here to tell you about _The Heartless and You. The Heartless and You_ is a how-to video series that will guide you through the fun and fascinating world of summoning the legions of darkness. Learn time-tested techniques for obliterating your world into a shower of gummi-like materials. Find out helpful hints, like how to escape the ensuing Armageddon."

"Oooooohhh!"

"You'll get to travel from world to world, meeting new and interesting forms of diabolical evil and work with them to turn the ignorant fools that surround you into hellish monsters without hearts! Order now and get a bonus video with profiles of the Overlords and Overladies that make the big-profit business of evil what it is today."

"What's the number, Ansem? What's the number?"

"Call 1-800-HARTLES today to order this fascinating video lecture series. We accept Visa, MasterofEVILcard, and Discover. Operators are standing by."

Suddenly, life had meaning for Blake. He knew that to bring about Armageddon, he had to go back into his body. After all, there are no telephones in the Great Beyond. Summoning all of his strength, he willed himself to wake up and live.

Meanwhile, Noel was calmly playing PS2, Blake's body lying on the floor spread-eagle beside him. He had been gaming for six solid hours, his eyes were cracked and bleeding, but he'd be _damned_ if no one finished all of those mini-games. Already, he had helped the Al-Bhed throw of their chains of oppression and was just about teach the Cactuars a whole new definition of pain, when Blake suddenly lurched forward and coughed bile all over him.

"ARGGH!" screamed Noel, "That shit _burns!_"

Blake pulled himself off his friend and stood up slowly. Then, the blood rushed out of his head and he collapsed onto the floor, motionless again.

"Make up your freaking mind, you freaking loser," muttered Noel, turning back to the game.

"You don't understand, Noel," said Blake in the most ominous voice he could summon while on the floor, "I have just seen things beyond the comprehension of the human mind."

"Were there any attractive women?"

"Well, no. It had more of a 'revelation beyond mortal knowledge' feel to it."

"So it's not really so much 'beyond the comprehension of the human mind' as stupid?"

Blake got all pouty and threw a hissy fit about 'you're such an ignorant fool' this and 'this is why society is going to hell' that. Noel, thinking quickly, ignored him.

"You know," said Blake, his rant winding down, "I don't think you even care that I almost died."

"Uh, no, not really. I mean, it's not like you're an attractive woman or anything."

Blake's eyes flashed like flames leaping into the air and opening their collective trench coat. "Don't you start with that talk again. We both know that a person's relative value is _not_ determined by their attractiveness!"

Noel laughed. "Yes it is. You're just in denial because you're not an attractive woman."

"So are you saying that attractive women have more of a right to live than you do?"

Noel thought about that one. "Yeah, pretty much."

Blake sighed. "That worldview is gonna come back to haunt you one day, Noel. I'd press the point, but I have to get home. See you later."

"Don't you need your parents to come pick you up? Seeing as how you're a 17-year-old loser with no car and no driver's license."

"Nah, I've got it covered," said Blake. Beneath his feet, a pool of goopy evil appeared. Smoky tendrils wrapped around his gaunt frame and sucked him into the netherworld.

"And by the way," said Blake as the last traces of his body disappeared, "The Darkness is coming."

Noel blinked. He blinked again.

"Well ain't that odd?" he mumbled.

Blake followed the darkness back to his house, deep in the woods of West Virginia. His father worked for Disneyland's Division for Unethical Bioengineering, creating genetic freaks of nature to replace their costumed mascots.

Disney sent his father to West Virginia to research its greatly muddied gene pool. After generations of inbreeding and bestiality, the back-woods communities intermingled with the livestock. This, in turn, created feral man-beasts with a taste for human flesh and moonshine.

Most of his family was unusually interested in various aspects of occult lore. The youngest son was currently being trained at a military school owned by the Knights Templar and was very well versed in the heretical Coptic Gospels. The second youngest was a budding genius in genetic manipulation and tax codes. The oldest brother was an art major.

His parents and siblings were already asleep when he arrived, with dreams of sugarplums and the eradication of all life forms. Blake flopped down on the couch and began channel surfing. Unfortunately, there's not much on at 3:00 in the morning.

"A _Girls Gone Wild_ ad, an exercise machine infomercial, some televangelist, a phone sex ad, MTV showing actual music videos, and a _Girls Gone Phone Sex_ ad. Great," said Blake. Despairing of soul-nourishing material, he left it on the _Girls Gone Phone Sex_ ad and went to the kitchen to make a sandwich.

"Seems like I'm forgetting something," he muttered, throwing his meat-and-bread masterpiece into the microwave. Then, he smacked his forehead.

"Of course! I forgot to call that convenient toll-free number!" Blake scurried to the phone, scooped it up, and dialed 1-800-HARTLESS.

"Thank you for calling Hallow Bastion Publishing," said a voice on the other side, "All of our operators are busy. Please hold."

Muzak clicked on. "_Estuans interius ira vehementi, estuans interius ira vehementi, SEPHIROTH! SEPHIROTH!"_

Blake checked his fingernails for excess grime. And found it.

"Thank you for holding," said the voice.

"Yes, I'd like to-"

"Our operators will be with you in a minute."

"_Sors immanis, Et inanis, Sors immanis, Et inanis!_"

Blake sighed. His sandwich had to be getting cold by now.

"How may I direct your call?" said a nasal voice on the other side.

"Yes, I'd like to order the immediate and grisly destruction of my world," said Blake, "I have a credit card-"

"Please hold."

"_Veni, veni, venias, ne me mori facias."_

Five minutes later, Blake was amusing himself by making up alternate lyrics for _One Winged Angel_:

"_Clinton's intern lust irritate Hillary, Clinton's intern lust irritate Hillary, MONICA! MONICA!_"

"…May I help you?" said a greatly confused voice.

"Yeah, I was interested in unleashing doomsday on the world that birthed me? I saw your infomercial."

"Well, give me your credit card number and we'll set it up for you. You do have a credit card, don't you dear?"

"Yes, it's an American Excess card, number 0666-0666-0666-0666."

"Expiration date?"

"July 2007."

"Huh?"

"July two-oh-oh-seven. What, were you expecting something else?"

"…Please hold while I run that number through our system."

"What? Again?" whimpered Blake.

"_SEPHIROTH! SEPHIROTH!" _was the only reply.

* * *

Author's Notes:

Yeah, so this update is a couple of days late. Not that anyone cares. (weeps)

Deleted Metaphysical thingie:

_What will cause a Heart to fall into darkness? Lust for power, greed for wealth, desire for revenge: these lure many Hearts astray. But the the lure of darkness is not all that can make a Heart fall. It is easiest for itto fall when it is simply alone, with no friends to save it…_

Next time: PartFour - The Beginning Is The End Is The Beginning


	5. 004 The Beginning is the End is the Beg...

Chapter Four: The Beginning is the End is the Beginning

* * *

The refrigerator was a harsh mistress. It was upstairs. The big-screen TV was downstairs. It seemed like a conflict with no middle ground. But Noel Kleidon was not the type to give into despair, no, he remembered a tale of a way to bridge the two eternal opposites: the staircase. His journey started in the light of the TV, but as he moved up the perilous slope, the darkness seemed to grow around him.

"_Is this… is this my house?_" he wondered, feeling fear creep into his heart. Shaking it off, he laughed and said aloud, "The 'rents and my whore of a sister must be out somewhere."

Reaching the top, he moved blindly towards the refrigerator. But as his eyes adjusted to the darkness, he noticed a figure in a brown cloak standing in his kitchen.

"This world will soon be connected," said the stranger.

"Golly gee gorsh, Mr. Shrouded-in-Shadows, whatever might you mean?" said Noel sarcastically.

"Tied to the darkness…and then completely eclipsed," continued the stranger, as he slowly turned toward Noel.

"Dude, what the hell are you doing in my house? Are you some sort of creepy old man who likes feeling up teenage boys? 'Cause my friend Blake just left and he's into that sort of thing. I think you can still catch him."

"You know nothing of me, or of the mysterious secrets to which I will allude in a moment. Or maybe I have _already_ _alluded to them! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!_"

Noel rolled his eyes. "Let's see. With that evil laugh, I'd guess that you're a mysterious stranger who holds the powers of a pagan deity."

The shrouded stranger gasped. "But…you are one who knows nothing! How can you understand so much?"

"Strategy guide," said Noel, pointing to page 10. "Now stand aside! That refrigerator isn't getting any emptier!"

"Ha! A meaningless effort. You may have a strategy guide, but you still know nothing." The stranger made a face at Noel. "All refrigerators begin in darkness, and all so end. The heart is no different. Darkness sprouts within it, grows, consumes the leftovers. Such is its nature. In the end, every heart returns to the darkness whence it came."

Noel struck a dramatic pose. "You're wrong. I know now, without a doubt. Refrigerator Hearts…is light!"

The refrigerator door began to open slowly. Both Noel and the stranger held their breath in silent anticipation.

"Bullocks! Not again!" the stranger cried.

A brilliant light burst forth from the tiny bulb and filled the room with dazzling colors. The stranger began dissolving into his component molecules with a blood-curdling scream.

"You haven't seen the last of me!" he yelled, jumping through a window to escape the hideous photon luminance.

Noel squinted and peered into the light. All he could see was the silhouette of a round-eared rodent. For some odd reason, the sight filled him with awe and wonder. Lips trembling, he reached out his hand to the majestic figure.

"What is it, Noel?" said the majestic figure.

"Can you…could you…?"

"Well?"

"Will you please pass me that slice of pizza?"

The majestic figure smiled and handed him instead a magical blunt object of destiny. Light enveloped his body and transformed him from a skanky teenager into a metro fashion palette faster than you could say '_Queer Eye_.' Amazed at his metamorphosis, Noel looked down at the blunt object, which appeared to be some sort of a key. On its side, there was inscribed a message of great portent.

"_He who wields me,_" it said, "_Holds power over both light and darkness. Power to lock or unlock any door that he chooses, be they the very gates of Death and Hades. This weapon is not to be used for any purpose other than striking down fiery vengeance and should not be used by children under the age of eight. Do not expose to corrosive substances, extremes of temperature, or direct sunlight._"

"Hot damn!" said Noel, a look of bliss crossing his face. "Now I can rain down destruction on everyone who has ever insulted me."

"Actually, you might want to start runnin'!" yelled the rodent.

"Whatever for, dispenser of magical weapons?"

"Your world is about to be destroyed by those guys," he said, pointing to an army of living shadows with knives for fingers, flames for eyes, and Tic-Tacs for all their breath-freshening needs.

"WHAT?"

Noel slammed the refrigerator door shut and walked away, fingers in his ears. He whistled loudly, trying to ignore the sounds of impending doom (as composed by Yoko Shimomura).

A mind-bogglingly huge number of miles away, Donald and Goofy sat in Mickey's waiting room, leafing through back issues of _Disney Adventures_.

"I can't believe this shit. He wants to see US, and we have to wait for HIM? This is crap. This is such crap. How much longer do we have to wait?" bitched Donald.

"Well gwarsh, why don't you ask his secretary?" said Goofy.

"The stupid whore is on vacation. We're on our own here."

"What do ya suppose we should do, Donald? Do you think CEO Mickey is really in there?"

"Yeah, he's probably curled up with his Asian boy-toy."

"Do ya think so?"

"Hey, what do you think the 'Gay Day' celebration was about?"

"But Queen Minnie…"

"He used to be real deep in the closet, like that New Jersey governor. But going topless with bright red shorts and yellow shoes? That's not just metro, if you catch my drift."

A few awkward minutes passed.

"I still think that we should check on him," said Goofy.

"Fine! You go check on him, ya big palooka!"

Goofy frowned "Alright Donald, all you had to do was ask, ya know," he said as he got up out of his ergonomic chair and ambled over to the door.

"Ack! You moron! He'll have your ass on a silver platter if you interrupt him!"

Goofy went in anyway, letting the door shut behind him. Donald sat nervously, waiting for the explosion from the round-eared devil. He smoothed his feathers out nervously and began picking his beak. His webbed feet tapped nervously on the polished marble floor. His eyes began to sweat. His sphincter contracted. His neck telescoped. He disinterred his nostrils. Flames of…

"Hey Donald, he's not in here!" yelled Goofy.

Donald had fifteen simultaneous heart attacks and had to be resuscitated by a team of chipmunks.

* * *

Author's Notes:

So, the update is _really_ late this week. But it's not my fault. On Friday, I had to move out of my dorm, pulling a back muscle in the process of slinging refrigerators around and rearranging furniture. My 9-year-old brother can move solid oak furniture, btw. Saturday, I was scrambling for a last-minute Mother's Day gift and attended my 15-year-old brother's (the co-author of _Corporate Hearts_) play. Sunday was church and projectile vomiting. Monday was feeling-better-but-oh-god-my-stomach. Tuesday is now a blur. Today, I bummed around and played outside with 9-year-old brother. Oh, I cleaned a toilet!

Come to think of it, this isn't even one of the better chapters. I'm sorry you had to wait for it. But, swearing (heh, almost typed 'sweating') on my mother's grave, the next chapter is MIND-BLOWINGLY GOOD.

In completely unrelated news, YOU GUYS ROCK! Corporate Hearts now has twelve reviews, tying my previous all-time-high for _The Battle Hymn of Dumbledore's Army._ So, seriously. You guys rock. Give yourself a round of applause! And treat yourself to something nice. You deserve it, you!

Deleted Metaphysical thingie:

_The Heart of a world is as the Heart of a person. Both feel pain, both feel joy, both can be lost to the darkness. Some can only fear the darkness, for they have no light in their Hearts. But you, child, you should not be afraid. You may be small, but in the darkest places, the littlest light can guide the way… _

Next time: Part Five - Portents of Doom


	6. 005 Portents of Doom

Chapter Five: Portents of Doom

* * *

Noel sat in his kitchen, Keyblade in hand, trying to contemplate the meaning of these things. But his attention was distracted by the sounds of pigeons tearing an eagle to pieces outside his window.

"Damn portents of doom!" he screamed. Jumping to his feet, he ran across the room, opened the patio door, and threw a Gideon Bible at the birds. It hit the eagle, bringing it to the ground. Then the Bible burst into flames, with the face of Satan appearing in the smoke. Off in the distance, Noel could see horses eating their owners.

"That's strange," he thought, "I didn't know my neighbors were interested in the equestrian arts."

In the sky, the stars were falling to pieces. The Milky Way was reduced to a Milky County Road, Orion's pants fell down for lack of a belt, and Canis Major had been neutered. Flaming chunks of rock crashed into Noel's lawn, opening an ancient Indian burial ground. Ancient Indian zombies crawled out of the earth, crying "Casinos! Caaasiiinooos!" Fortunately, the horses quickly ingested them.

Noel wasn't sure exactly what was happening, but he decided the indoors were safer. "You know, it would be easier to see out there if the moon hadn't turned to blood," he mused. Interest fading rapidly, he chucked the Keyblade onto the floor, ran back downstairs, and booted up the PS2. It was time for another round of mini-games, _FFX-2_ style.

"Video gaming!" he cried, lifting his hands to the heavens in appreciation, "Video gaming is a many splendored thing. Video gaming is like the sun coming out of the clouds and warming your soul. Video gaming is like a blazing flame, golden and full of warmth. All you need are video games!"

He wiped a tear from his eye, ran to his television, and threw his arms around it in a tight embrace. Casting a wary eye around the room for spectators, he slipped the idiot box the tongue. Unfortunately, at that moment a freak electrical anomaly caused the television to explode in a deadly rain of glass shards. The shrapnel tore into his face and chest, bringing him to meet Mr. Ground.

"FUCK!" he screamed as he crumpled to the floor and faded into unconsciousness.

Donald and Goofy ransacked CEO Mickey's boardroom, searching his mahogany desk for clues amid the stacks of books and broken toys. Donald swatted an autographed picture of Walt off the desk, tossed an original frame from _Steamboat Willie_ over his shoulder, and flicked his cigarette ash into a drawer filled with paper.

"What do you think this '_PROJECT KINGDOM HEARTS – TOP SECRET - DO NOT READ - THIS MEANS YOU_' file is?" said Goofy.

"Eh, it's probably not important."

"But it says on the inside that it's a plot to destroy-"

"Shut up and look for something useful, you waste of a crappy speech impediment!"

"Umm… Would his Palm Pilot be useful?"

"Yes, that would be great. Why, did you find it?"

"Ten minutes ago."

"Gimmie that, you moron," said Donald, snatching it from Goofy's hand. He flipped through the calendar program. "Hmm… that's odd," he said.

"What is it, buddy?"

"It seems that Mickey has scheduled the next few months for 'Preventing the Destruction of the Known Universe.'"

"Huh? Is there anythin' else?"

"There's something about 'Disappearing in a Mysterious Fashion, Forcing Donald and Goofy to Come After Me.' Oh, and 'Hey Donald, I Figure That You'll Root Through My Things When You Realize I'm Gone. The Stars Are Going Kaput, So I Need You To Find the 'Key' to Our Survival; Chosen One; Destiny; Blah, Blah, Blah.'"

"…He wrote 'Blah, Blah, Blah?'"

"…Yes. He wrote 'Blah, Blah, Blah.'"

The two of them stood silent in the boardroom, contemplating the import of this new quest.

"Mickey is fucking insane," said Donald.

"Eyup."

Donald sighed. "Well, if _you_ were a presumably angsty 'Chosen One' trying to stop the destruction of the known universe, where would you be?"

Goofy pondered that one for a moment. "Well, I suppose I'd be in Traverse Town, plotting revenge for my ruined world. Yup, that's what ol' Goofy would do."

Donald was astonished. "You know, Goofy, that was almost insightful."

"Gwarsh…"

Jiminy Cricket popped into existence by means of spontaneous generation. "Alright boys," he said, "Let's go get in the Gummi Ship and find this 'Key!'"

Donald shuddered. "I hate that ship. Why did they have to make it entirely out of Gummi blocks?"

"Lower polygon count," said Jiminy, "We're on a budget."

"Yeah, but it's so damn _sticky_. I lose feathers every time I try to get out."

"I fear that with the universe at stake, we may all lose more than a few feathers," said Jiminy in his most ominous voice.

Donald gave an involuntary shudder.

The sun over Destiny Islands sank slowly, like the lazy days it held sway over. Each grain of sand on the beach returned its dying light, sparkling like a thousand pieces of cubic zirconium. Kairi and Sora sat together on the dock, just the two of them. Selphie dragged a piano onto the beach and played "_Eyes on Me_" softly. Kairi sighed and scooted closer to Sora, hoping he would put his arm around her. She looked into his eyes tenderly. He looked back. Her heart fluttered.

"Kairi…" Sora said, his voice a velvety whisper.

"Sora…" Kairi said, her lips trembling, barely even parting. She had waited so long for a chance to be like this with him, all alone. Would this be the day that he finally confessed his love for her?

"Kairi…YAAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!" screamed Sora, as he flung himself off of the dock and into the ocean.

Kairi looked down and saw Sora thrashing around in the water. She took several deep breaths, counted to ten, and decided that she was still angry. "What the hell are you doing, you spiky-headed twat?"

Sora cast furious looks at the water all around him. "Aww man, I thought it would work for sure this time!"

"Are you still trying to find that stupid 'Keyblade' thingy?" she said, indignant.

"Duh! What did _you_ think this was all about?"

Kairi started crying. "I thought…well, never mind what I thought! Is that all you think of me as? A decoy?"

"Kairi, I could never think of you that way. You make a crappy decoy. The ocean saw me coming a mile away. Man! Maybe it would be more convincing if I took Riku out here instead…"

A look of horror crossed Kairi's face. She had seen them messing around with a Paupu fruit yesterday. The thought of Sora choosing a boy over her was too much to bear. Kairi ran off to the secret place, crying all the way like the little girl she was. Selphie stopped playing and grinned.

"Hey Sora!" she yelled, "You want me to try being the decoy?"

"Sure!" said Sora, "All you have to do is get really close to me."

"Oh, I intend to!"

Kairi blew her nose into her handkerchief and stamped into the 'secret place.' She snorted indignantly at the place's name. It had a freaking _Starbucks_, for crying out loud. She ordered a vanilla cappuccino with extra cream and sugar.

"_Uhg. This is gonna go straight to my hips,_" she thought as she plopped down at a table. She took a half-hearted sip and then buried her freakishly engorged head in her arms. Tears poured out of her eyes, causing a mini-waterfall over the side of the table. She honked her nose on her handkerchief noisily.

A mysterious stranger with the powers of a pagan deity walked by and slipped on her cry-fluid. His mocha latte splashed into his face and soaked his cloak with coffee.

"Oh! I'm so sorry!" said Kairi. Tears welled up in her eyes. "Can't I do _anything_ right?" she cried, tears exploding anew from her face.

"It's alright," the stranger muttered. He grabbed some nearby napkins and tried to rub the stain out of his cloak, but to no avail.

"Let me help you!" Kairi said, taking out her handkerchief and rubbing his chest with it. Unfortunately, it was the one she had been using.

"EWWW!" said the stranger, snatching it out of her hand. "What in the seven hells do you think you're doing," he looked at the monogram on the hanky, "'Kairi?'" His eyes bulged. "You mean, you are the 'Kairi' child?"

"No? I mean, yes. Maybe? Stop trying to confuse me!"

The stranger sighed. "Are you the mayor's adopted child who, some years ago, fell mysteriously from the sky on the night of a meteor shower?"

"Yes! I definitely fell out of the sky in a mysterious fashion!"

"Good, for that means that my quest is at an end." He crawled off of the floor and into the chair across from Kairi. "So, Kairi, I could not help but notice your sad tears, seeing as how they almost snapped my neck. What is the cause of your troubles?"

Kairi sighed and took a sip of cappuccino. "My…friend…Sora has been ignoring me lately."

"Oh yes? And why is that? Has he developed an interest in other girls? Other boys?"

"No, he's just been having these weird thoughts lately. Existential thoughts, really. You know, 'is any of this for real,' 'why are we here,' 'why am I wearing these giant yellow shoes?' Anyway, then he rants about '_The Matrix_' and flings himself into the ocean."

"Yes, children often do such things. It is part of growing up, like developing poor taste in music and realizing that society has failed you. But has he mentioned, perhaps, something called the 'Keyblade?'"

Kairi dropped her drink.

"Yes, I know of the Keyblade, and the power it has over your young friend's mind. I warn you, he will not stop searching for it until he finds it – or dies trying."

"What? How? When? Why? To what extent?"

"Listen to me! It is Sora's destiny to wield the Keyblade and save the universe. A powerful wizard known only as 'CEO Mickey' chose him before he was born for this task. Sora can no more live without it than air."

"How do you know?"

"I was there when he was chosen."

"Oh. Well, what happened to it? Did it get lost in shipping?"

"It was stolen. An evil teenager from the World of Darkness, a reckless fool who could destroy us all, has usurped Sora's destiny. I have a plan to get it away from him, but it hinges on you. I can give you the power to travel to his world, if you so desire, but you must be wary of him. As long as he holds the Keyblade, no strength can stand against him. It will be dangerous, but if you help me, you will save Sora – Princess Kairi."

"But… I'm a princess?"

The hooded man smiled, presumably. The hood made it hard to tell. "Yes, Kairi, you are a fairy tale princess. Only in this tale, the princess must save her knight in shining armor."

Kairi grinned wide. "That sounds like my kind of story. Tell me more, Mr.-Shrouded-in-Darkness."

* * *

Author's Notes:

DUN DUN DUN!

Deleted Metaphysical thingie:

_Every world is precious, and there is no life that can be replaced. When one world dies, all the others suffer with it, for the bonds that connect worlds arethe same as thebonds that connects our Hearts. But those who have no bonds, who feel no pain for others, are to be greatly pitied. Their deathsare like their lives were; alone in the dark, with no one to share the pain._

Next time: PartSix - Destiny's Bastard Child


	7. 006 Destiny's Bastard Child

Chapter Six: Destiny's Bastard Child

* * *

Noel awoke to the sound of a beautiful voice singing. Though he searched for the source of it, all he could see through his half-focused gaze was the pool of own blood he was lying in. He tried to sit up, but remembered the glass shards still stuck in his chest and fell back onto the floor, groaning.

Sitting on his couch was a young girl with short hair and an even shorter skirt-short combination. She had on a white tank top and cute white shoes. Innocence shone from every aspect of her youthful features.

"Who…are…you…?" Noel croaked.

She turned towards him and smiled like the dawning of the pure morning light.

"My name is Kairi."

"Why…did…you…stop…singing…?"

"In a few minutes, you and your world will be overcome by the darkness," she said.

Noel gurgled.

"Will you let me help you?"

Noel watched silently as she hopped off the couch and walked towards him. She knelt beside him in the pool of blood. Spreading her hands on his chest, she closed her eyes and bit her lip. Noel gasped and tried to tell her to stop. Kairi ignored him and pressed down harder. Her hands began shining with a heavenly aura. Noel felt the glass pop out of the wounds in his chest. The blood stopped flowing and his flesh healed over. Slowly, the light faded.

Noel sat up and felt his shirt. The ragged holes from the shards were still there. He shivered, remembering how they tore through his chest. His eyes fell reverently on the girl who had saved his life.

"Hey Kairi, would you and the Olsen Twins be interested in a foursome?"

She sighed. "Listen," she said, "Where is the Keyblade?"

"The what?"

"The giant key? Magical blunt object of destiny? Transformed your appearance in a blinding flash of holy light?"

"Oh, _that_ Keyblade. I left it upstairs."

She turned and ran up the stairs, laughing.

"Hey! Hey!" yelled Noel. He tore up the stairs after her. As he bounded the last step, he saw her waving the Keyblade over her head.

"What the fuck, bitch? The rodent gave the blade to _me._"

She glared at him. "CEO Mickey gave you this? Yeah, right. You were never meant to be the Keyblade master. The Keyblade may have changed your outside, but you're still the same rotten person on the inside."

"Explain your damn self, you skanky piece of jailbait."

"Explain myself? To you? Sora is out on the beach right now, drowning himself to get this hunk of metal that _you_ stole! He was chosen to save the universe from doomsday, but _you_ came along and screwed it all up."

"Whoa, whoa. How do you know he's the chosen one and not me? After all, _I'm_ the one with the Keyblade."

"Because Sora has the pure, naïve, and marketable heart of a child. You have the hentai heart of a teenage male! What makes you think that you could save anyone?" She laughed like the ice queen she was. "Go download some more kangaroo porn, spanky. The Keyblade is Sora's!"

Noel snarled. "Whatever. You don't know me, bitch."

Kairi rolled her eyes and opened a door to the darkness. "Now, if you don't mind, I'll be leaving this poorly designed dimension before the darkness consumes it."

"Hey, mind if I tag along?" said Noel. "You know, to avoid the whole 'End of the World' thing?"

"Not on your life, _bitch_," she shot back, disappearing into the ether.

Noel stood there for a moment, contemplating the impending destruction of everything he knew. "Holy shit! I've got to finish _FFX-2_ before it ceases to exist!" he cried, running down the stairs.

Sora sat in front of his window, wistfully gazing at the ocean. He would've liked very much to run out into the water again, but his mother had chained him to his wall to keep him from drowning himself. Sora didn't really mind, since all of the salt water he swallowed was giving him a tummy-ache.

It bothered him that Kairi had been so angry about him needing her help. Helping each other is what friends did! He had found those stupid bits of random trash that Kairi and Riku needed for their raft, after all. Sora shook is head. Kairi was obviously very troubled inside, like…well, like that giant storm of hell-fire that had appeared over the island.

"Oh no! The raft!" cried Sora, "If I don't save it from that storm, Kairi will make me find all of that crap _again_!" He began to gnaw off his leg to escape his chain.

At that moment, his mother walked in the room. "You know, if you need to use the little hero's room, you can just tell me," she said, kneeling down to unlock the shackles.

"Yes…the bathroom. That is where I am going. To the bathroom. I'm NOT escaping the house to go to the island where the raft is. Especially not in this terrible weather. Nope, nope, nope," said Sora, grinning his best car-salesman grin and edging towards the exit.

Kairi sat in the secret place, idly swinging her arms and watching Ansem destroy the physical integrity of her world. This was taking _forever_. And not in an "I'll-love-you-forever" way; it was a "Song-That-Never-Ends" forever.

"Are you sure we're supposed to be doing this?" she said, pointing the open door that exposed the still-beating heart of her world.

"CEO Mickey's orders," said Ansem, as he stepped away from the door, "How can the Keyblade Mater save the universe if he cannot leave this world? Besides, it's too late to stop the process. The world's heart is already fading."

"That makes sense, I guess."

"At any rate, my work is done here. Have fun with the Heartless!"

"What? You mean, I'm not coming with you?"

"No. And not with the Keyblade Master either. Actually, my dear Kairi, it's time to die," said Ansem, drawing the dark Keyblade and ramming it into Kairi's chest. He disappeared through the door, laughing. A cold, powerful wind began pouring out of the door, knocking her forward.

Sora ran into the secret place, his newfound Keyblade clutched tightly in his hand. "Kairi!" he screamed, "Is the Starbucks still open? I need a latte to go _right now!_"

"Sora…" gasped Kairi, as she stumbled over. The wind picked up her frail body and pushed her towards him. He braced for the impact, but she passed straight through him. Then the wind toppled Sora and threw him out the door.

"Whee!" he yelled, "A pretend roller-coaster!"

Back at the ranch, Noel was weeping in front of the shattered remains of his television. He had forgotten the explosion that had brought his video gaming capabilities down. A rage unlike anything he had ever known welled up within his soul.

"Why couldn't I have died instead? First my television, and now my Keyblade," he moaned. "With God as my witness, I will have vengeance on that underage 'ho-bag!"

At that moment, smoke began pouring down the staircase. Noel peered into it, trying to see the shadowy figures that walked in the midst of the mist. They were short. They were cute. And they had _attaché cases._

"Moogles?" said Noel, disbelief.

The leader stepped forward and began to speak:

"Kupo kupo kupo! Kupo!"

"Gesundheit," said Noel.

"Thanks," said the Moogle. "We represent-"

"The lollipop guild?"

The Moogle frowned. "The Square-Enix legal department."

Noel squirmed uncomfortably.

"Anyway, we've had reports of unauthorized usage of the character 'Kairi' in this universe."

"Yeah dude, she just left."

"Oh, so you admit that she was here? That simplifies things. We would like to remind the inhabitants of this universe that 'Kairi' is protected against unauthorized usage by interdimensional copyright laws."

"Huh?"

"In other words," said the Moogle, pushing his glasses up his nose, "You used our character without our permission. We're going to press charges."

"Huh?"

"We're going to sue."

"Huh?"

The Moogle sighed. "We're going to take your candy and rape your women."

Noel frowned. "Hey, that girl came here without anyone asking her to. In fact, she took the Keyblade from _me!_"

"The 'Keyblade,' eh? Another copyrighted property of Square-Enix." He turned to his fellow lawyers. "Is there no end to the things he's taken? Benny, give him the papers."

A particularly chubby Moogle opened his attaché case and handed Noel a bulky stack of legal documents.

"What's this?" said Noel.

"A cease-and-desist order. We're closing down this universe until such time as this case can be prosecuted."

A look of confused terror crossed Noel's face. "But that means I won't be able to finish my game!"

The head Moogle looked away. "Yes. All that you hold dear will be destroyed." He stepped back into the mist. "If it makes any difference, we had hoped to avoid this. Our customer support team will be here in five minutes to ensure compliance with the cease-and-desist. I suggest that you… prepare yourself."

And with that, the Moogles faded from sight.

* * *

Author's Notes:

This chapter could also end with a DUN DUN DUN!

Deleted Metaphysical thingie:

_When a world dies, it is like when a friend dies. The pain of those left behind is like the loss of a limb; a piece of the self going cold. What, you do not believe that a world feels pain? How can a world have a Heart and not pain? No, when a friend hurts, we hurt as well, pouring out our sorrow for the sorrow of others._

Sorry about not updating in a while. Life has just been CRAZY LIKE A MAZY. Whatever a mazy may be. Whatever it is, it's been keeping me offline and tired.

Also, BLESS THE SOUL of Takame Kiriku, who pimped out Corporate Hearts in her fanficcy "Karite." So you should go read it now.

Next time: Part Seven - World Go Boom


	8. 007 World Go Boom

Chapter Seven: World Go Boom

* * *

Noel sat on his floor, flicking his fingers. He had no idea how to 'prepare himself' properly for oblivion, but he figured there were worse things to be doing, like looking at kangaroo porn. He sighed. Even flicking his fingers failed to fill his soul with peace. Maybe he should think about escaping or something. 

Ansem returned to his private lair of brooding in Hollow Bastion. After a hard day destroying innocent worlds, all he felt like doing was flopping onto his beanbag chair and maybe rocking the gange. Just as he was good and relaxed, an underling knocked on the door.

"Ansem, sir? We're ready to start the rape of another universe."

"They have taken the bait, then?"

"Yes sir."

Ansem laughed and majestically drew himself out of his beanbag chair with renewed vigor. What was one more world before bedtime? He stuck his hand inside his diary and pulled out an ancient scroll holding the Apocalypse incantation. Breaking the seven seals, he took a deep breath and began:

"_That's great, it starts with an earthquake, birds and snakes, an aeroplane - Lenny Bruce is not afraid. Eye of a hurricane, listen to yourself churn - world serves its own needs, don't misserve your own needs. Feed it up a knock, speed, grunt no, strength no. Ladder structure clatter with fear of height, down height. Wire in a fire, represent the seven games in a government for hire and a combat site. Left her, wasn't coming in a hurry with the furies breathing down your neck. Team by team reporters baffled, trump, tethered crop. Look at that low plane! Fine then. Uh oh, overflow, population, common group, but it'll do. Save yourself, serve yourself. World serves its own needs, listen to your heart bleed. Tell me with the rapture and the reverent in the right - right. You vitriolic, patriotic, slam, fight, bright light, feeling pretty psyched."  
_

The underling chimed in on the chorus:

"_It's the end of the world as we know it,  
It's the end of the world as we know it,  
It's the end of the world as we know it and I feel fine."  
_

In this distance, like the crashing of a waterfall, Noel could hear the fabric of space-time-canon tearing apart as the minions of darkness poured in. Black insect-like Heartless began oozing out of the ground, claws reaching up to taste his human flesh. Their lamp-like eyes and oily skin had an aura of unrefined Columbian evil.

As Noel gazed upon the abominations bent on destroying his world, something snapped inside of him, like a Slim-Jim of the soul. They had destroyed his television and his dignity, but there was one thing he could still save. He grabbed his PS2 and drew it close to himself, screaming "Bring it on, darkness bitches!"

With the speed found only in video gamers, he released a hundred lightning-quick blows with his weapon: a large stick. He fought valiantly, thrashing the servants of evil with tenacious fury, taking all comers. All fell before his mighty caveman rage. They dropped like those who must read dense paragraphs of needless description, fading off into that good night.

But the Heartless knew that it was only a matter of time before he slipped up. Like ninja, they flung themselves at their vastly superior foe with no regard for personal safety. Despite Noel's best efforts, he was only one man against the night. Indeed, the sheer numbers of corpses pilling up were hampering his ability to fight. Finally, he stumbled back, exhausted.

"Ugh… there are too many of them." He wiped the sweat off of his forehead. "Only one chance now… Gotta save the PS2!"

Noel plowed through the Heartless, letting their razor claws tear into his skin. He threw some elbows and waded through to the staircase. Swinging back around, he dispensed death with the stick while retreating up the stairs. With a final swipe at the minions of evil, he barreled into the door. It refused to open. Noel's eyes widened in horror as he slammed into it again and again.

"I can't open it!" he screamed.

"_Six o'clock - TV hour. Don't get caught in foreign tower. Slash and burn, return, listen to yourself churn. Lock him in uniform and book burning, blood letting. Every motive escalate. Automotive incinerate. Light a candle, light a motive. Step down, step down. Watch a heel crush, crush. Uh oh, this means no fear - cavalier. Renegade and steer clear! A tournament, a tournament, a tournament of lies. Offer me solutions, offer me alternatives and I decline."_

A mysterious voice spoke in his head:

"_Hold on. The door won't open just yet."_

Noel swore. "What do you mean, '_The door won't open just yet?_' I'm about to die here! What are you, some sort of apathetic fairy-godmother?"

The voice sighed. _"Fine. You just have to jiggle the handle a little."_

"_It's the end of the world as we know it,  
It's the end of the world as we know it,  
It's the end of the world as we know it and I feel fine."_

Noel jiggled the handle and plunged through the door moments ahead of the Heartless, only to catch himself at the end of the sidewalk. There was no way he was going any further. 'Further' had ceased to exist. Instead, there was a black abyss filled with chunks of his ruined world. Off in the distance, he could see a hole in the darkness, a red and purple storm that was sucking the rubble into it.

"Al Gore was right," he said, "The ozone layer finally bit the big one!"

"_The other night I tripped a nice continental drift divide. Mount St. Edelite. Leonard Bernstein. Leonid Breshnev, Lenny Bruce and Lester Bangs. Birthday party, cheesecake, jelly bean, boom! You symbiotic, patriotic, slam, but neck, right? Right."_

"The door has opened…" muttered a voice behind him.

Noel whirled around and lashed out with his stick at what he thought was a Heartless.

"Oww!" whined Blake. "What did you hit me for?"

"Sorry, I thought you were one of the endless hordes of demonic specters from the Beyond." Noel frowned. "Come to think of it, you do look a little different."

Blake smiled.

"No…" said Noel. "Your clothing… it's fashionable in a vaguely effeminate way! And… your hair! It's long and pale!"

"That's right," cackled Blake. "Go ahead and say it."

"They've made you…BISHOUNEN!"

Blake's laughed long and loud, but then his asthma started to work up. He clutched his chest and wheezed for a minute or two. "Anyway," he said, wiping saliva off of his mouth, "The door has opened. This world's time is up, and if we don't leave now, we'll die with it. It's time to go." He extended his hand in a dramatic manner.

Noel hesitated.

"What's the matter? Afraid of the darkness?"

"No, it's just that there's no way that I'm holding your hand. You're way too fey for a straight guy."

Blake shrugged and let the darkness take him, muttering "Wanker."

"_It's the end of the world as we know it.  
It's the end of the world as we know it.  
It's the end of the world as we know it and I feel fine...fine..."_

Noel thought of all these things. Then he shrugged his shoulders, kissed his PS2, and jumped into the darkness.

"_(It's time I had some time alone)"_

* * *

Author's Notes: 

Wow…I never noticed how short this chapter was. But there's still some stuff worth reading. Hopefully.

Just in case you're a totally uncultured moron, the song shanghaiedfor this chapter is "It's the End of the World As We Know It (And I Feel Fine)" by REM. It seemed appropriate.

Now that you've read some of Corporate Hearts, why not check out its crudely rendered art? Check it out at: ziltron. be honest, deviant art is driving me nuts. Nothing works right at all. Oh well.

Personal Note:

So, I'm going to Japan! Leaving the good ol' U-S-of-A August 22, arriving in Kansai International Airport on August 23 for a year of study at Kansai Gaidai International University.

So, does anyone want some souvenirs?

On a serious note, this means that Corporate Hearts may take EVEN LONGER to write. But, if the good Lord is willing and the creek don't rise, it will get finished. Eventually. Right now, I need a nap.

Deleted Metaphysical thingie:

_When a world dies, it is like when a son dies. The pain of the Father is beyond words: it cannot be expressed, it cannot be described, it can only be felt._

Next time: Part Eight – Is That a Friend in Your Heart (Or Are You Just Glad to See Me)?


	9. 008 Is That a Friend in Your Heart

Chapter Eight: Is That A Friend in Your Heart (Or Are You Just Glad To See Me?)

* * *

There is a stink of death over Traverse Town, which shelters the refugees of doomed worlds. It is home to the destitute, the forgotten, and the hopeless. Vagrants gather there in defiance of copyright laws, abandoning their homeworlds for an elusive taste of freedom. Their lifeless corpses usually end up in back alleys, stripped of their worldly goods.

Donald swung the Gummi ship into handicapped-access parking spot with a sense of grim satisfaction. The handicapped were _way_ overrated.

"Are you sure we can park there?" asked Goofy.

"Yeah, bitch. We've got diplomatic immunity."

Goofy still looked nervously. "I don't think we should let folks know where we're from. We've got to protect the world border. Hyuck!"

Donald rolled his eyes. "Yeah, a bunch of filthy animals fighting for scraps of food are a real threat to the Company."

A group of Jewish refugees from Anatevka, Russia shook their fists at him. "If I were a rich man, all day long I'd kick your feathered ass!" yelled their leader.

"Hey," said Goofy, "There's another star goin' out!"

Donald looked up at the sky. "Where?" he said.

"Over there!"

"I see it! To the right, right?"

"No, up on the left, there."

Donald paused. "You know what? There are two stars going out."

"Sunrise, sunset," said the villager sadly, "Swiftly go the years. One season following another, laden with happiness and tears."

"Hey buddy, why don't you shut the hell up before your ass gets laden with my foot?" said Donald. "C'mon Goofy, let's go find that 'Key.'"

At that very moment, Noel woke up in a back alley that smelled vaguely of cheap booze and urine. He had a killer headache. Lying next to him was an unconscious 14-year-old boy with spiky hair.

"_Ugh,_" thought Noel, "_It's that weekend in Vegas all over again._"

Looking around, Noel couldn't help but notice that he was in a strange new world. A feeling of poetic inspiration came over him, and he waxed eloquent about his situation:

"_To be in an alley, or not to be: that's a stupid question.  
__Whether 'tis crazier in the head to suffer  
__The slings and arrows of outrageous Moogles,  
__Or…ah, screw it, I tire of talking like a damn fairy._"

Noel sighed. This was going nowhere. He needed someone smaller than himself to take his anger out on, like the big yellow dog at the mouth the alleyway. "Get out of here, you freaking mutt!" he screamed, throwing his stick at it. The dog gave him a reproachful look a walked off.

"_At least the PS2 is safe,_" Noel mused, patting it where it lay on the ground. Then, he noticed the army of Heartless that had been behind the dog. He screamed like a little girl. The alley suddenly smelled a lot more like urine.

"Of all the times to waste a perfectly good stick!" he cursed.

Noel's screams woke up the 14-year-old with the tortured hairdo.

"What's going on?" the kid muttered, still sleepy.

Noel's mind spun. There was only one way he was getting out of this alleyway in one piece. He grabbed the kid by the arm, dragged him down the alley, and threw him at the Heartless. They pounced on the fresh young meat as Noel high-tailed it out of there.

Then, he remembered that he had left the PS2 in the alley. Screaming an obscenity, he ran back, hoping that the Heartless would still be feasting on the kid's entrails. But what he saw amazed him.

The kid, the spiky-headed, dorky-looking kid with oversized yellow shoes, was fighting back against the Heartless. Fighting and winning. Within seconds, every single Heartless had been reduced to green, health-restoring globules (available wherever fine globules are sold).

"How did you freaking _do_ that shit?" said Noel.

The kid just grinned wide and scratched the back of his head.

"It's 'cause I've got this bitchin' Keyblade."

Noel's heart froze within him. That was _his_ Keyblade.

"_This bastard's working with that jail-bait bitch Kairi!"_ he thought; rage consuming what was left of his soul. Smiling outwardly, he extended the hand of friendship to the stranger.

"Hi. I'm Noel. My world was destroyed by those guys you just owned."

The kid shook his hand. "The name's 'Sora.'"

"No, it's 'Noel.'"

"No, I meant that _my_ name is 'Sora.'"

"Oh."

There was an uncomfortable silence.

"You're not the sharpest sword in the stone, are you?"

"Uh… I've got a PS2!"

Sora frowned. "What's that?"

"It's a video game system, little dude!"

"I don't play video games. I have magical adventures with my friends, exploring islands and getting swept into universe-shaking conflicts."

Noel shook his head. "You do _not_ know what you're missing."

There was another uncomfortable silence.

"Well, I've got a pre-scripted fight to be getting too…" said Sora.

"Mind if me and the PS2 tag along?"

"Nope, it's cool. I should be finding wandering rouges and vagrants to form a party anyways."

"Sweet."

Donald and Goofy, however, were having a terrible time finding the 'Key.'

"Are you sure that the little punk is supposed to be in Traverse Town?" bitched Donald for the tenth time.

Goofy sighed. Four years getting a liberal arts degree for _this_ bullshit.

"That's sure what I thought." He paused reflexively. "E-yup!"

Donald tried to light up a cigarette, but it refused to stay lit.

"Fucking cheap matches," he muttered, throwing another on the ground. "Am I a mage or what? I'm using Fira!"

"Careful there, buddy," said Goofy.

Donald grimaced. "Stick a gummi block up your… AAAARRRRGGGGHHH!"

Goofy sighed. The moron had set himself on fire _again._

A young woman in a pink sleeveless dress ran up and cast a water spell on Donald, who was stumbling towards an orphanage constructed of hay, old tires, and (for some unknown reason) lighter fluid bottles.

"Thanks there, missy!" said Goofy.

"Hmmm… an anthropomorphic duck with attitude and a tall dog-thingy with speech impediments. You the guys the CEO sent?" said the girl.

"E-yup!" said Goofy, but he was dying inside.

"C'mon. I'll take you back to the Hotel. I'm Aerith Redshirt, by the way."

"'Redshirt?'" said Donald. "What kind of a name is that?"

"Ever seen the original _Star Trek_?" she said ominously.

Noel and Sora wandered through the mysterious town, fighting the Heartless and gaining EXP. Things were actually going quite marvelously, as they chatted about this and that and the other thing.

"So, you play games on this machine?" said Sora.

"Yeah, little dude! It's freaking awesome."

Sora frowned. "If it's the only thing you saved from your world, it must be pretty important to you."

"Yeah," laughed Noel, "I'd rather sell my family into slavery than lose this baby. I'd die without it."

"I know how you feel," said Sora, "When my world died, the only people who survived were my friends. Or at least the two cool ones. I'd give anything to find them." He stopped walking. "Noel? Do you have any friends that survived the… you know…"

"Well, one may have. But…"

"Let's find them! Your friend and my friends. Together, we can do it!"

"_Ya know,_" mused Noel, "_If this guy's lady friend hadn't stabbed me in the back and doomed my world to destruction, he'd be the freaking man!_"

"That sounds-"

"They'll come at you out of nowhere," interrupted a tall, lanky guy dressed in black pants, a white wife-beater, and a black short-sleeved jacket. His greasy hair was pulled back into an impromptu rattail tied with a rubber band. Propped up on his shoulder was a Gunblade, which he appeared to have recently constructed from cardboard scraps and silver spray-paint. He was wearing belts everywhere but the loops in his pants.

"Hey buddy, why don't you use one of those belts to keep your loins girded?" said Noel. "There's children present."

The stranger stared at Noel. "I'm sorry, who are you?"

"He's my friend," said Sora, "And friends are in our hearts!"

The stranger hiked up his pants and pushed his wire-frame glasses up his nose. "Whatever. Now let me see that Keyblade."

Sora struck a dramatic pose. "What? There's no way you're getting this!"

The stranger shrugged in a very angst-ridden way. "Have it your way," he said, voice cracking.

Sora leaped forward with the rage of a thousand wild piglets, swinging the Keyblade with all of his might, but the stranger grabbed him by the hair.

"Rule number one of being a hero:" he sneered, "Never have a massive haircut unless you know how to use it!" The stranger laughed maniacally and drew his Gunblade. "Now I'll give you a little haircut, you ankle-biting waste of plot!"

The cardboard blade swung in a deadly arc. Sora covered his face and screamed. There was the terrible crunch of something solid breaking in two.

"_Am I… dead?"_ thought Sora.

But the stranger let go of his hair and fell forward onto the ground. Standing behind him was Noel, holding a broken PS2.

Noel, seething with rage, screamed, "I freaking _HATE BISHOUNEN!_"

* * *

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
Author's Notes:

For those of you who have never heard of Anatevka, Russia, it's the setting of _Fiddler on the Roof_, a wonderful musical comedy about the persecution of Jews under the Czar. Not that ethnic/religious persecution is particularly comedic. Not that this stopped Hitler from penning the muscial comedy _Mud Peoples of the Earth in the Gas Chambers_, but I digress.

My point is, as a 1/4 Jew (a 'semi-semite, if you will), I like _Fiddler on the Roof_. At least, I think that was the point.

Deleted Metaphysical thingie:

_For those who have never cared for others, learning can be a difficult task. It is like opening your eyes to the sun after a long time in the darkness: though it hurts, how else will light enter your body? It is like waiting to be born a second time: though we are a long time in the womb, life is a prize much worth the trouble._

Next time: PartNine- A Tale of Two Graceless Segues


	10. 009 A Tale of Two Graceless Segues

_Attention: Due to the confusing nature of this chapter, all sudden scene changes will be indicated with a:_

_

* * *

_

_We repeat, from here on out, all scene changes will be indicated with a:_

_

* * *

_

_Thank you for your patience and cooperation in these uncertain time. Remember, if we stop reading (and reviewing) fanfictions, the terrorist have already won._

Chapter Nine: A Tale of Two Graceless Segues

* * *

Sora looked up at Noel in shock. "But… but… you loved that thing!" 

Noel smiled weakly and held up the broken remains of his PS2. "Hey, don't mention it," he said. "I forgot to bring the controllers anyway."

"I wonder who this guy is?" said Sora, nudging the body with his shoe.

"Don't touch the body! Let bleeding dogs lie."

"Umm… excuse me," a girl's voice said.

"Who are you?" said Sora, looking for the source of the voice.

Standing in the distance was a chubby prepubescent girl wearing a green tank top, tan shorts two sizes two small, and knee-high socks. Noel cringed. She looked like some poor, deluded soul trying to cosplay as…

"I'm the great ninja Yuffie!" She struck an uncomfortable pose and grinned, girth jiggling noticeably. "The angsty male you just knocked out is Squall. Here, help me drag him back to the Hotel."

Squall, temporarily regaining consciousness, muttered "That's 'Leon', bitch. No, wait, it's 'Antonio.' No, it's 'Zidane.' 'Mr. T'?"

"I should've hit him harder," said Noel, dragging Leon by his ample hair, "He's still talking."

Yuffie rolled her eyes. "Go easy on him. 'Mr. T' here lost a legal battle with Square-Enix over his own identity. Soon, he will become a Heartless."

"A what?" said Sora.

"It's not just him either. Soon, it'll be all of us. You and that Keyblade are our only hope!" She opened the door to the hotel room and threw Leon on the bed.

"Why don't you start making sense?" said Sora, "What's going on here?

* * *

Aerith turned toward Donald and Goofy in the adjacent hotel room. "Okay, you know that there are many other franchises other than your Company, right?" 

"But they're supposed to be a secret," said Goofy.

"They've been secret because of interdimensional copyright laws. Until now. When _Kingdom Hearts_ came out, it changed everything."

* * *

"'_Kingdom Hearts_?'What's that?"said Sora. 

Yuffie grinned. "The video game you're in, right now."

Leon picked his head back up. "The game that transcended copyright laws. Once it came out, the barriers between the worlds of Square-Enix and Disney disappeared. We were able to escape our corporate masters by leaping from world to world. But then something terrible began to happen, something none of us suspected."

"It starts slowly," said Yuffie. "Once the Corporations realize you're missing, they sue your homeworld. Anyone who manages to escape its destruction begins to slowly fall apart."

"Why?" said Sora.

"Because fictional characters need copyrights to survive. They're what keep our hearts from breaking apart. The first thing to go is your public image." She grinned weakly. "You put on weight, lose hair, that sort of thing. Any super-human abilities go too."

"Then, it goes deeper. Your mind starts slipping away from you," said Leon, "You forget your past, your friends, even your own name…" He fell silent.

"Finally, you become… one of _them,_" said Yuffie.

There was an awkward silence.

"Hey," said Yuffie.

* * *

"Have" said Aerith.

* * *

"You" said Yuffie.

* * *

"Heard" said Aerith.

* * *

"Of" said Yuffie.

* * *

"Someone" said Aerith.

* * *

"Named" said Yuffie.

* * *

"Ansem?"" said Aerith. 

"Ansem?" said Goofy.

"He was a Square-Enix employee who was studying the Heartless," said Aerith, "He compiled his findings in a very detailed report."

"Gwarsh, uh, can we see it?" said Goofy.

"Its pages are scattered everywhere," said Aerith, "To many worlds."

"Hey!" said Goofy, "Maybe the CEO went to find them!"

"I highly doubt that," said Aerith, "He's been working for the corporate bastards for a long, long time. And so have you." She whipped out a 9mm and aimed it at Donald's head. "So. Tell me why he sent you, or I'll make your head go 'splodey."

"Holy crap!" screamed Donald.

* * *

"So," said Sora, "What's with this 'Keyblade' thingy?" 

"The Corporations fear the Keyblade more than anything else. It's the only thing with the power to rewrite their copyrights and set worlds free. They'll keep coming after you, no matter what."

"Well, I didn't ask for this!" cried Sora.

"Hey, that's nice. But your skank-ass friend sure did," cursed Noel.

"Huh?"

Noel gave him a patronizing look. "You're an alright guy, Sora, I've got no beef with you. But your bitch friend Kairi stole the Keyblade from me."

"What did you call Kairi?" said Sora, waving the Keyblade menacingly.

"I called her a bitch, bitch. Why, you got a problem with that? The rodent gave that Keyblade to _me!_" screamed Noel.

Leon put his hand on his Gunblade. "'Rodent?' You're…Yuffie, get out of here!"

Yuffie ran for the door, puffing hard. All those donuts were catching up with her.

* * *

Aerith leaned in close to Donald, brandishing the 9mm. "C'mon you punk, spill it! What's the CEO planning?" 

"I don't know, you crazy bitch! Get away from me!" Donald screamed.

Aerith grinned and squeezed the trigger slowly. This was her favorite part. "Won't talk, eh?" she said. A bead of sweat rolled down Donald's forehead. Suddenly, Yuffie barged through the door, wheezing like she had a punctured lung.

"Yuffie?" said Aerith, looking away from Donald, who seized his opportunity and slammed into her chest, sending them both tumbling to the ground.

"You freaking punk!" she screamed, emptying a clip directly into his face.

Donald's brain exploded out of the back of his skull in a satisfyingly cartoonish fashion. Aerith sat up and shoved his decapitated corpse off her chest while slapping in another clip. She leveled it at Goofy.

"Alright, you freak that nature never intended, start talking!"

"Gwarsh, okay!" said Goofy, "But first, why don't you introduce your friend?"

"What?"

"You know, the fella crouched in the rafters?"

Out of the corner of her eye, Aerith saw a silver-haired bishounen in a long black leather trenchcoat leap at her from the ceiling, waving a sword the size of a small whale.

"Ah, crap! Not again!" she screamed.

Sephiroth's blade rammed down hard, cutting straight through her torso. A shower of blood sprayed out, staining the walls. He pulled his sword out of Aerith's chest and liked the dead girl's blood, chuckling grimly. The expression on her face was very satisfying. With a grim wave toward Goofy, he leaped out the window.

* * *

Leon waved his cardboard Gunblade at Noel. "So, you're working with the CEO, huh? Probably sent to lead the Heartless to the Keyblade!" 

"Dude, they freaking blew up my world!" said Noel, grabbing a lamp off of a table to defend himself, "Why the hell would I lead them here?"

"Yeah, Leon! He helped me fight them," said Sora.

Leon frowned. "Well, I guess no Heartless have attacked us yet…"

On cue, a Heartless popped out of the floor. It waved its hideous claws at them in a grisly pantomime of life.

"Alright Sora, that proves it! He's one of them!"

Noel groaned inwardly. This was really starting to blow chunks. He began backing away from them towards the wall.

"Now, I'm sure we can work this out in a rational manner," he said, and then promptly flung himself out the window in a rain of shattered glass.

"After him!" cried Leon, "And quick, the chapter's about to end!"

The Heartless was stunned. He went out of his way to attack the heroes, and they completely ignored him. Why did everyone abandon him? They were just like his parents, always running around with no time for their malformed, evil son. He brushed away a silent tear.

* * *

Donald sat up and rubbed his head, which had magically reconstructed itself. It's good to be a cartoon character. Shaking himself off, he walked over to Aerith's corpse and gave it a sound kicking. 

"Gwarsh, is that one of those Heartless guys?" said Goofy, gesturing to the moody demon that walked silently into the room.

"There you go again, labeling everyone!" screamed the Heartless, "Yeah, so I'm a soulless abomination bent on evil. You got a problem with that, you intolerant buck-toothed genetic freak?"

And with that, he seized both of them by their necks and flung them off of the balcony, onto Sora, and into the next chapter.

* * *

Author's Notes: 

Although the Author's Notes a seperated from the previous section with a:

* * *

They are not a new scene. Just the author's notes. 

So how about this new policy about not responding to reviews in the author's notes? That seems kind of bad. In good news, Corporate Hearts was recently added to "The Portal of Crazyness," a C2archive managed by eikothewerewolf. Which was very nice of her.

Personal Note:

I AM IN FREAKING JAPAN. But Air Canada lost my luggage. And I have a fever. And I've only eaten three times in the last 60 hours. And I'm running out of money. But CH marches on! That is just how much I love all of you.

Deleted Metaphysical thingie:

Actually, this chapter never had a metaphysical thingie. So here's a humorous story instead:

_A Marine is using the bathroom, when aGI walks in and uses the next urinal over. The Marine finishes and heads for the door. "You know," says the GI, "In the Army, they teach us to wash our hands. The Marine looks at him and says, "In the Marines, they teach us not to pee on our hands."_

Next time: Part Ten - Find the Subtle Political Metaphor


	11. 010 Find the Subtle Political Metaphor

Chapter Ten: Find the Subtle Political Metaphor

* * *

Sora burst into Third District, poofy hair trembling with rage. How could Noel say those horrible things about Kairi? Kairi was his friend! And she could be Noel's friend too, if they believed in their friendship. Friendly friendship was what made true friends, couldn't he see that? 

Suddenly, his super-human hearing picked up the sound of an incoming projectile. He gripped his Keyblade tightly and scanned the skies, eyes wary. The Heartless wouldn't get him this time.

And indeed, it was not the Heartless who landed on him, squishing his internal organs into so much pancake batter. It was Donald and Goofy.

"The Key!" they both cried at once, their hopes soaring like eagles in the morning sun. But as happens with eagles, their hopes were instantly sucked into the jet engines of bitter reality.

"Hey Donald, is the Chosen One supposed to be this gooshy?"

Donald hung his head. "We've killed him. He's the only one who can save the universe from oblivion, and we've killed him."

Several dimensions over, Riku was helping the Heartless destroy Bambi's home world (located on Endor's forest moon). He crouched in the bushes, covered from head to toe in camouflage. With the stealth of a serpent, he lifted his shotgun and aimed it at a doe in the distance. He squeezed the trigger and put a hole the size of a fist in her cranium. For one golden moment, he could see the shocked expression of her child through the gaping wound. Then the body fell over and the young doe scampered away, crying.

"Venison tonight," he said to his minions, "And them's good eatin'! YEEEEEE-HA!" The Heartless waved their antenna in approval.

As Riku stood up to claim his prize, the Keyblade materialized in his right hand in a flash of light. For a moment, he simply stared at it. Then, he was attacked by his Legions of Evil.

"DEATH TO THE KEYBLADE MASTER!" they screamed, biting into his legs with their tiny needle-like teeth.

Back in Traverse Town, Donald and Goofy were disposing of Sora's corpse in the most respectful fashion they could think of: feeding it to the Traverse Town orphans. But these were not just any orphans; these were orphans from the _Aliens_ universe; xeno-orphans with a taste for human flesh.

"Hissssssss!" they cried, sticking out their second mouths in thankfulness for a filling meal.

Donald and Goofy smiled. They did love children so.

"Now children," said the head xeno-nun, "Let's give thanks for our meal." She lifted her claw hands towards Heaven. "Dear Hive-Mother, thank you for this foolish hu-man that these inferior life-forms have brought us. We will ingest him to your glory, and then implant eggs in the other two."

"_Wait a minute…" _thought Donald.

"May we successfully glue the denizens of this world to the walls of the hive and then spread as a plague over all worlds, ultimately destroying all other forms of life."

"Amen!" said Goofy.

Suddenly, a lamp came through the window, hitting the xeno-nun squarely on the forehead. Green acid shot out of her black carapace and sprayed the orphans, blinding several of them.

Noel clambered in through the window, face livid with rage. "Where the hell do you freaks get off feeding my buddy to a bunch of freaking orphans?" he snarled at Donald and Goofy.

"Well shucks, he's kinda dead right now," said Goofy, scratching his head.

"He's dead?" said Noel.

"He sure ain't movin'."

"Haven't you guys ever heard of freaking health restoratives?"

Donald and Goofy looked at each other. For some reason, that idea had never crossed their minds.

"Here, give him this," said Noel, tossing them a glass bottle with 'Revive' scrawled across it in black permanent marker.

Donald caught the bottle and looked at it, frowning. "So, do I pour it in his mouth? Or just on his body?"

"Just throw it in his general direction; they're self-extracting."

Riku ran through the forest, breathing hard. Behind him were enough Heartless to destroy an entire dimension, all hungry for him. He had tried dropping the Keyblade, but it just kept reappearing in his hand with that freaking annoying flash of light. Finally, he stumbled to his knees. He could run no further.

"Someone…help me…please…" he panted, petitioning a cold and unfeeling universe. As if to answer him, the Keyblade disappeared from his hand in another flash of light.

The Heartless wandered up to Riku, confused. They thought they had found the Keyblade Master, but it was just the hideous human after all.

Back in Traverse Town, Sora woke up groggily. He looked down and saw the Keyblade in his hand. He looked up and saw Donald and Goofy staring at him. He looked past them and saw Noel.

"Hi!" said Noel, "I just saved your life again."

"Where am I?" Sora asked.

"An orphanage for man-eating aliens," said Donald, "We thought you were dead."

"Hyuck!" said Goofy.

"_I seriously need to reevaluate my lifestyle,"_ Sora thought, rubbing his head.

Riku stood up and smacked the Heartless out of spite. "If you _ever_ try to kill me again, at least give me a decent head start!" he yelled.

The Heartless cowered. Why was the filthy human hitting them? They were good Heartless. They wanted Heartless treats, not smackings.

Riku fumed. If Maleficent sent him on one more mission with inadequate support, he'd ram that glowing green staff up her withered white ass. And speaking of his support team…

"INTERN!" he yelled, "GET YOUR ASS OVER HERE!"

Crashing through the forest came an ambiguously gendered figure in a hand-me-down black cloak. It tripped over its own feet and got tangled in the underbrush. After five excruciating minutes it managed to free itself, only to walk directly into an oak tree.

Riku shook his head. He knew that villain's sidekicks were supposed to as comically incompetent as they were evil, but this guy took the cake.

"Blake," he said, "Where were you while I was running for my life from the Heartless?"

Blake cleared his throat. "What? Why would they try to kill you, sir?"

"That's not important right now. What's important is that once again, you have failed me. Perhaps I should have you replaced with a delightful trained chimp. At least a chimp would pick insects out of my hair, which is more than I can say for you!"

"Oh yeah? That would be great, sir. Maybe then you could get your own damn mocha lattes!" Blake said with a flourish, pulling a crushed Starbucks cup from inside his cloak.

Riku looked at the cup, which was dripping its frothy goodness onto the forest floor. "Where exactly in your cloak was that?" he said.

"Trade secret," said Blake with a big wink.

Riku's gaydar went off with a vengeance. There was effeminately evil, and then… He shook his head started walking away. "C'mon, we've got a world to finish off."

Blake smiled like his birthday had come early.

"And no eating the Gummi blocks this time! Those things are expensive!" snarled Riku over his shoulder.

"Awwww…"

Back in Traverse Town, Leon was looking for Sora. "Now where could he be?" he mused.

"Think!" said Yuffie, "Where did you leave him last?"

"I can't remember my own name!" wailed 'Leon,' "What makes you think I can remember that?"

"See, this is why you need to leave the Keyblade Master in the same place every night. That way, you'll always know where he is in the morning!"

Meanwhile, Goofy and Donald were giving Sora and Noel a debriefing in a squalid alleyway.

"So, the CEO sent you to find me?" said Sora.

"Technically, he sent us to find the Keyblade Master. Since the Keyblade is lodged onto your hand, we'll assume that's you," said Donald.

"Wait a minute," said Noel, "Leon said that the CEO is evil. He tried to kill me just because I saw him once. Why the heck should we trust you?"

Donald looked down. "Listen…we know that Leon and his friends hate the CEO, and us for that matter. After all, the Corporations are the reason they're dying. But this is bigger than them and their petty freedoms."

"What?" said Sora.

"The reason they're dying is because they chose to violate their copyrights. You see, copyrights are what keep our worlds from falling to pieces. The legal jargon is like an incantation; they're words that define reality. Without them, nothing could exist for very long because anyone could change them. The worlds would lose order and fall into the darkness."

"So why did you guys destroy my world?" said Noel, "And what's with this _Kingdom Hearts_?"

"Any world that harbors copyright violators has to be destroyed," said Donald. "It's preemptive warfare. As for _Kingdom Hearts_, it's just a video game. The CEO put it together with the Square-Enix guys, and there you go."

"Yeah, but Leon said that _Kingdom Hearts_ let them escape their worlds," said Sora. "Why would you make something like that?"

"And if changing worlds destroys them, where do you guys get off changing the _Final Fantasy _franchise, not to mention several Disney movies, for _Kingdom Hearts_?" interjected Noel. "Shit, you even drug Traverse Town and wherever the hell Sora came from into it."

"And why would the CEO give Noel the Keyblade?" asked Sora, "His world isn't even in _Kingdom Hearts_!"

"Hey yeah!" said Noel, "Kairi had already left by the time you freaks blew up my world. We weren't harboring shit!"

Donald looked and Goofy. Goofy grinned. "Tell you what guys," he said, "If you forget all of those questions about the CEO's war on copyright violators, we'll give you candy and let you ride on our Gummi ship! Hyuck!"

"Hooray!" said Sora and Noel. They sure did love candy something _fierce_.

"Do you think we'll meet my friends on our magical Gummi ship ride?" said Sora.

"Sure, why not?" said Goofy, "I'm sure finding them in the eternal soul-crushing vacuum of space will be a cinch."

Sora smiled. It was _good_ to be the Keyblade Master.

* * *

Author's Notes: 

Yeah, this was a poorly named chapter. insert poignant yet hilarious statement on how this chapter reveals the true meaning of life. At any rate,CH has 500 hits. GLEE!

I'm thinking about compiling a soundtrack for CH. Not an OST (original soundtrack), since I am incapable of playing any instruments, but a UST (unoriginal soundtrack) of other people's songs that kind of reflect the mood and feel of the story. Would that be at all interesting? See, if an author includes a quote from a song in their story, I always try to listen to the song while reading it. It really does help. Anyways...

Personal Note:

Luggage found. Classes start. Life get INSANE. Insanely cool that is. Need sleep now.

Deleted Metaphysical thingie:

_Would you trust a thief to watch your riches? Would you instruct a starving man to guard your bread? Would you give your child to a lion for safekeeping? Even so, if darkness is left to rule your Heart, it will make short work of you._

Next time: Part Eleven - The Circle of Shadowy Figures from Disney Movies


	12. 011 The CSFDM

Chapter Eleven: The Circle of Shadowy Figures from Disney Movies

* * *

The darkness engulfing the circle of mysterious figures was great, like the oil that Exxon spilled on those baby harp seals. But unlike baby seals, these figures did not slide around on their bellies, chasing fish. They just sat around and plotted doom. Sometimes, they watched TV. But mostly, they just plotted doom. 

A door opened slowly, allowing a tiny pinprick of light into the room. Two boys, both with long pale hair, walked in and kneeled, waiting to be acknowledge by the honored board of directors. The honored board of directors, however, ignored them completely.

"So it turns out that 'Hades' is _my_ name, not the name of the Underworld," said, well, Hades. "Who'd have thought it?"

"Such is the power of mass consensus. Your name is no longer your own," said Jafar, twirling his mustache of doom with a golf pencil.

"Why don't you turn everyone who gets it wrong into a Heartless?" said Ursula. "That'll settle things quick enough."

"Arr, ye be swash-buckling limey bilge rats if ye think that ye can be getting' away with such riffraff," said Captain Hook. "AVAST!"

"You're a moron, Cap'n," said Oogie Boogie, cramming several disgusting insects into his mouth, in a culturally sensitive portrayal of his French heritage.

"ARRR!"

"Enough," said Maleficent, turning off the TV, "It is time for the board meeting. As much as I may despise you all, you do own stock in the Company's many worlds. Be that as it may, I hope to see every last one of you dead one day."

"Hear, hear!" said Oogie Boogie.

Riku rubbed his face, greatly annoyed. The Circle of Shadowy Figures from Disney Movies was the worst group of villains _ever._

"Now, young Master Riku has returned from his first mission. Riku, I believe you have a report for us?" said Maleficent.

"This had better be worth my time," snarled Jafar, "Princess Jasmine was about to take a shower when I left."

Hades frowned. "Have you talked to a therapist about that whole 'stalker' thing, Jafar?"

"When you're all finished bickering, I have a report to give," interrupted Riku, his pale hair swishing around like an Herbal Essences commercial.

"Go on," said Maleficent.

"I have successfully destroyed Bambi's homeworld. Some might wonder why we waste precious time attacking cute forest animals. Some might say that it has absolutely no strategic value and hurts our public image needlessly. But are we villains or are we villains?"

The Circle burst into thunderous applause.

"However," said Riku, "This vital mission was compromised by the presence of the intern you gave me. As it stands, I only lost a latte. But who knows? Today a latte, tomorrow a world!"

Blake hung his head in shame. It was true. That latte would never be the same.

"Well Riku, perhaps it's time we gave Blake his own world-destroying missions. Maybe we'll get lucky and the Heartless will consume him," said Maleficent, "Blake, get over here. I'm going to increase your dark powers."

Blake grinned and clapped his hands. He was getting a _promotion!_

"Oh, and Riku," continued Maleficent, "We're reassigning you to princess-collection duty."

Riku just shook his head. He was sure he had seen a _Dilbert_ cartoon about this.

Meanwhile, the good guys piled onto the Gummi ship and blasted off into action-packed low-polygon adventures. True to their word, Donald and Goofy gave them all the candy they could handle, in the form of Gummi blocks. Sora stuck a large red one into his mouth, which subsequently burst into flames.

"Wow!' exclaimed Noel. "Must be a fira-g!"

"That's right, give the children matches," Donald muttered as he walked by the two youths' experiments with the netherworld candy.

"Mornin', Donald," Goofy hollered over a constant hum of squeaking noises. He took a sip of java and pointed to the tan envelope in Donald's hands. "Weekly report for Eisner?"

"Yup. But where the hell are those worthless chipmunks? They had better not be doing that fucking 'after you' thing again."

The squeaking noises stopped.

"Donald!" hissed Goofy, "Ya shouldn't be swearin' in front of the Keyblade Master! He's a minor."

A high-pitched squeal came up from the floor. "Reporting for duty, Donald," said Chip.

"There you are," grumbled Donald as he gave a copy of the papers to Chip. The fuzzy creature stepped out of the ship and promptly imploded in the vacuum of space.

Goofy shot coffee out of his nose. "Hyuck, Hyuck! He always falls for that one!"

Donald gave another copy to Dale. "This time, take the extra Gummi ship."

Five minutes later, the chipmunks returned holding a single piece of paper.

"New orders from Eisner!" they shouted and ran back to their hole.

"Hmmm...there's been an infringement of copyright laws in Wonderland. We're supposed to investigate," moaned Donald. "...Darn...it, we're already on a mission from Mickey. Why the...heck...can't they find someone else to do this? And while we're at it, when did our job description change from 'pie target' to 'secret police?'"

Before Goofy could answer, Sora ran in with a stricken look on his face.

"Heartless Gummi ships are attacking!"

"Is that all?"

"Pretty much."

"We'll, we'd better fire back or something," sighed Donald. "Honestly, I don't understand the logic of putting mindless beings made of pure evil behind the controls of sophisticated space-age technology."

Maleficent led Blake through the dark corridors of Hollow Bastion. Unfortunately, the darkness made it difficult to see more than a few inches in front of you, and Blake wasn't the most graceful evil minion.

"Where are we going?" said Blake, as he stumbled into a coat rack.

"To the library. Since you are entirely incompetent with field missions, we decided to hire an evil tutor for you. Watch out, there's a step."

Blake, of course, tripped on it and broke his nose. Clutching his bleeding face, he followed Maleficent into the library. Sitting at the table was an elderly man with thinning hair and a wide grin. Piled up on the table was tome after tome of ancient lore, written in the dark script of dead languages.

"Good morning!" he said, reaching out a friendly hand, "My name is Walt-"

Blake made a loud snorting noise. He hadn't blown up his universe to end up in _school_ again. "What, this guy is supposed to teach me about evil? He's not even vaguely effeminate!"

"We paid good money for this decrepit old soul! He comes highly recommended. Why don't you give him a chance?" said Maleficent, "You may find that there is more than meets the eye."

"Okay. But only because you made a _Transformers_ reference."

Meanwhile, the heroes' Gummi Ship reached Wonderland. "What're we doin' here, Donald?" said Goofy, scratching himself absentmindedly.

"It's gonna go down like this," said Donald, "We go in, scope out the place, and get out without letting anyone know where we're from."

"What are we looking for?" said Sora, who was filling in a coloring book with Noel.

"Well, some sort of copyright violation. Frankly, it could be anything," said Donald, clearly irritated. "But Eisner said to go here, so here we go!"

Noel shook his head. "Listen," he said, leaning in close to Donald, "This universe is based on _Alice in Wonderland_ by Lewis Carol, right?"

"Yeah..." said Donald.

"Lewis Carol was a suspected pedophile. He collected pictures of naked children."

"What?"

"So keep a close eye on Sora, 'cause who knows what weird crap we're gonna find down there. And if he ends up bound and gagged in an alleyway with some creepy English author who won't shut up about his 'Jabberwocky,' it'll be your fault."

Donald nodded slowly. "Anyway," he said, "We're going to be in a mysterious new world. I don't want any of you talking to any...strangers. Especially you, Sora. Oh, and all of you might want to avoid drinking the water."

Goofy shuddered. His terrible experience with dysentery in the _Zorro_ universe still haunted him.

"If we stick together and follow the rules, everything will go just fine," said Donald. And with that, they all tromped out of the ship and plummeted 50 feet down the rabbit hole.

* * *

**Author's Notes (now in bold south-west flavor): **

Over 800 hits. And even slower in updating than ever! The writing of the chapter was done long ago, but then there wasn't time to _get on the internet and post it_. Ick. Ick ick ick.

Lewis Carol did indeed have a collection of picture of naked children. I shit you not.

**Personal Note(s):**

Your mom writes a personal note.

RedCrow1120 PMS frightens me, and all males, more than death itself.

Annjirika Okay, breathe...breathe...that's good...stay calm...BOOOGEDYBOOGEDYBOOGEDY.

And that is why I am going to hell.

**Deleted Metaphysical Thingie:**

_What, you say that my words are like fortune cookies? I see now that I cast pearls before swine. What would a story be without a mysterious prophetic voice to dispense random advice? It would be like a story without a good villain. Now go clean your room._

**Next time:** PartTwelve - This Will Hurt Your Head


	13. 012 This Will Hurt Your Head

Chapter Twelve: This Will Hurt Your Head

* * *

Blake stared at the old man blankly. Books pulled from the shelves of Hollow Bastion's library lay sprawled on the table, with stacks of impromptu illustrations and diagrams. Walt had been trying to explain inter-dimensional copyright law for hours on end, but was thwarted at every turn by Blake's sheer stupidity.

Walt sighed. "Blake, it's simple. It all comes down to this story -"

"Which one? Which fucking story? _Sleeping Beauty_? _Final Fantasy_? Frickin' _Tron _look kids, KH2 reference?In case you haven't noticed, we're ass-deep into story county with an empty tank of gas and a broken leg! We are the fucking emperors of story-land and the goddamn peasants are revolting!"

"Precisely."

"_WHAT?_"

"Do you know the story of how the Corporations came to power?" said Walt, pulling yet another book off of the shelves. "I don't believe they tell it on the World of Darkness anymore."

"You mean Earth, right? Hell, people on Earth don't even know these other worlds exist. That is, they _didn't_ know. Well, they still don't know, but they don't know anything else either, 'cause they're all dead."

"Just read the story already, Earth-boy."

Blake plucked the dusty tome out of Walt's hand and conveniently opened it to the most convenient page possible:

"_Long ago, people lived in peace, bathed in the warmth of light. Everyone loved the light. Then people began to fight over it. They wanted to keep it for themselves._

_And darkness was born in their hearts. The darkness spread, swallowing the light and many people's hearts. It covered everything, and the world disappeared. But small fragments of light survived… in the hearts of children. With these fragments of light, children rebuilt the lost world. It's the world we live in now._

_But the true light sleeps, deep within the darkness. That's why the worlds are still scattered, divided from each other. But someday, a door to the innermost darkness will open. And the true light will return…_"

"And this has _what_ to do with the Corporations?"

Walt sighed. "It's metaphorical. You have to read between the lines."

"Read between the lines? It's a story about freaking light. What? Did the Corporations come from a light bulb factory?"

"Actually, it's like you just said. The Corporations are 'the fucking emperors of story-land.'"

Blake threw up his hands in frustration. How they got into his stomach, we'll never know.

"The Corporations rule the story worlds, but things weren't always like that. Once, all the story worlds were one. There were no copyright laws separating anything."

"No copyright laws? But wouldn't that make the world unstable?"

"Precisely. People began fighting over intellectual property. Stories that once belonged to everyone were carved up and sold. Everything became disconnected and threatened to fall apart. But the Corporations were able to save them. They rebuilt them and protected them with copyright laws. These are the worlds we live in now."

"But in the story, the children save the Light, not entertainment conglomerates."

"Well, yes. That particular story was written by the Corporations to put a positive spin on the current state of things."

"And the whole thing about the true Light returning? Is that a bunch of crap too?"

Walt shot a quick glance around the room. "Well, that's the funny thing. It _was_ true, but they've found a way to stop it."

"Huh? Why would they want to do that? And how?"

"Let me explain. It all comes down to the Keyblade Master …"

The Keyblade Master, incidentally, was at that very moment lying at the bottom of the rabbit hole with the other heroes, moaning in agony, his limbs snapped like twigs.

"First step's a _doozy_," groaned Donald. These inspiring words gave Noel the strength to crawl to his elbows and smack Donald in the face. Then he collapsed again, falling on a fragment of rib bone that in turn punctured his left lung. Just as Donald thought of casting Cura, a rabbit ran past them, clutching a pocket watch.

"I'm late! I'm late!" the rabbit cried, "It's almost happy hour!"

"Let's follow him!" said Sora.

"Why?" said Noel.

"Cause this is obviously a plot-related, pre-scripted event. And pre-scripted events are in our hearts!"

"Whatever," muttered Noel.

"Actually, the little bugger's right," said Donald, "Besides, once we reach the table room, we get to drink strange chemicals that shrink you."

"You mean, we get mind-and-body-altering substances?"

"Yup."

"Wonderland rocks!"

* * *

"Wow, that explains a lot," said Blake.

"Doesn't it though?" said Walt.

"I would hate to be a person who has to wait two or three more chapters before getting all of these terribly important plot points."

"Just be glad this is the Japanese version. If this was America, you'd be waiting another 6-12 months."

"Huh?"

"Err...never mind. It's wasn't important anyway."

Blake gave Walt an apprising look. "You may work for the Corporations, but you're not really evil tutor, are you?" he said.

"Actually, I _do_ think of myself as an evil tutor. I just teach the lessons that the Corporations don't want you to learn," Walt said, grinning. "Speaking of our Corporate overlords, here's your next mission. From Maleficent."

"Hmm. Well, it's as good a place to start as any…"

"Damn skippity."

* * *

"Do you think we'll find the CEO here, Donald?" said Goofy.

"How the heck should I know?" said Donald.

"Just tryin' to make some conversation, buddy."

"I would say the shrink potion was imparing your ability to think, but you were already so stupid thatit can't possibly affect you."

"Well thanks, buddy!"

"We're here! We're here!" interrupted Sora.

They walked up to an old stone courthouse. Sora pushed open the door to find that a trial had already started.

"John T. Scopes, you are hereby charged with teaching evolution in public schools," said the bailiff.

"What the heck is going on here?" questioned Donald.

"The famous 'Monkey Trial,' a legal case that pitted science against religion," stated Noel promptly.

Everyone stared at him for ten solid minutes.

"Gwarsh, how'd you know that?" Goofy finally remarked.

"I have no idea."

Meanwhile, the trial continued. The defense lawyer, Ash Ketchum, stood up and pulled a small red and white ball from his belt.

"For my first witness, I present an expert on evolutionary theory. Charizard, I call you to the stand!" he shouted.

The bailiff, who upon further inspection appeared to be Officer Jenny, nervously approached the monster. "Raise your right, uh, claw. Do you solemnly swear to tell the- YAAAAAAAAAGH!" and she ran screaming out of the room in flames.

"I call a recess until we can find a new bailiff," sighed Judge Dr. Professor Oak Junior III, Esquire.

Slowly, the room began to empty. As soon as everyone was gone, the Queen of Hearts, a deck of cards, a young girl in a cage, and a crew of interior decorators from _Trading Spaces _sneaked in. Within two or three minutes, the room looked exactly like an English garden, inbred nobility and all. The decorators collected their fee and left, but then everyone just stood around looking awkward. The girl in the cage fidgeted while the Queen stared around angrily.

"Why haven't they started?" said Sora, scratching his head.

"I don't know, little dude. But I sure as hell _do_ know that we should be checking out that hot chick in the handcuffs," said Noel. Sora pretended not to hear him.

"Where is that accursed trumpeter? He's always running late!" the Queen roared.

"Hey baby," said Noel, sliding up to the cage, "Somebody at the prison must have made a mistake, 'cuz all the hot jailbait issupposed to beon the _outside_."

Alice smiled and motioned for him to come closer. Then she grabbed him by the throat and bashed his head into the cage repeatedly, leaving his battered skull lodged between the bars.

"Hey! I can see down your dress!" said Noel gleefully. Alice responded by kicking him viciously in the groin. He slumped to the ground, bleeding profusely.

An hour later, just as the Queen was thinking of calling the whole thing off and having a game of "Go-Fish," a pudgy rabbit in derelict clothing waddled into the room, up a set of stairs, and blasted a horn once.

Noel winced at the loud noise and pressed a bag of ice against his head. That bitch in the cage fought _dirty_.

"Her Masjeshty, the Queen of Hearsht preshiding!" the rabbit hiccupped, and then promptly passed out, tumbling off the podium with a sickening crunch. A bottle of whiskey rolled out of his vest.

"At last," the Queen said, "Court is in session. Alice, you are charged with attempted theft of my heart."

"What?" Why would I do such a thing? You have absolutely no evidence against me!"

"That's true…" the Queen said, "But only technically."

Before anyone could stop him, Noel stood up and shouted, "We'll find the evidence you need to bring this bitch down, Queen of Hearts!"

"THANK YOU! Thank you! You see, I have to meet quota with the number of heads I cut off…" the Queen rambled.

"Are you out of your mind? We've got to help the little girl!" Sora shrieked. "The Keyblade Master is supposed to help the innocent, downtrodden, and marketable!"

"Don't you fucking lecture me! I was a Keyblade Master when you were still crapping in your Pull-Ups!" Noel screamed, as he grabbed the Keyblade and tried to wrench it out of Sora's hands.

"MINE!" yelled Sora, not about to let go.

"MINE!"

"HORSE!"

"MULE!"

"TRADITION! TRADITION!" they sang, voices in perfect harmony.

Suddenly, Sora let go of the Keyblade. Noel lifted it in triumph. But the Blade simply disappeared and reappeared in Sora's hand, with its Flash of Holy Light™. "HA!" he said. "It's mine!" And then he began his 'I got the Keyblade' happy dance.

"Fine," Noel grumbled. "I'll help the Queen, and _you_ help the bitch."

"Hey Queen, how long do we have?" said Donald.

"Oh, how about until the next chapter?"

"Sounds good."

* * *

**Author's Notes: **

So...did anyone else get the hit counters on their stories reset? 'Cause we're down to 231, which is quite a blow to the ol' ego.Ah well. Such is life.

Unfamiliar with the Scopes Trail? Well, good for you. You should be playing outside with folks your age, not reading about the history of the American public school system. Kids these days, with their internets and such. GO BOUNCE A RUBBER BALL, DAMNIT!

Things are looking good for CH, despite the massive delays in posting.Things tend to slow down when you do massive revisions, which is why this particular chapter took so long. Well, asidefrom the whole 'finals'thing.The next few chapters are a few of my personal favorites...not that that means they're _good_ or anything.

**Personal Note(s):**

So, KHII is out here in Japan (national motto "Frankly, We Just _Like_ Seeing Gaijin Penises"). Still haven't had a chance to play it. Still haven't read any of the plot spoilers. Not planning to. Seriously, why would do fans read spoilers for games they haven't played yet in order to write fan fiction? Shouldn't you wait and see if you are a fan of a game before dedicating the time it takes to write a story?

But yeah, it's different with a sequel. Especially one that was supposed to be out months ago. Oy.

**Deleted Metaphysical Thingie Which Made More Sense Before The Revisions:**

_A good ruler will not allow his subjects to be attacked by their enemies. A good shepherd guards his sheep from wild beasts. A good Father, however, will not suffer his child to be harmed by anyone, no matter how great their power._

**Next Time:** Part Thirteen - 'Love' is a Four Letter Word


	14. 013 'Love' is a Four Letter Word

Chapter Thirteen: 'Love' is a Four Letter Word

* * *

They met again in the courtroom an hour later. Sora was dressed for success in a snappy three-piece pinstriped suit and alligator shoes. Liberal application of moose had tamed his poofy hair, giving him a sleek, professional look. 

"Noel, this is your last chance to settle out of court!" he said, casting a menacing look at the prosecutor. "Either drop your case against Alice, or-"

"Or what? You'll go crying to your mommy?"

"…My mommy was destroyed by the Heartless."

"Good! She deserves it for not snuffing out your worthless life the second you emerged from her accursed womb."

Sora stuck out his lower lip. "Why do you hate women so much?" he said.

Noel frowned. "I love women! As long as they don't give me any lip. And stay barefoot and in the kitchen."

"You need to get _laid_," said Donald.

The Queen rapped her gavel. "Court is now in session! You may present one piece of evidence," she stated.

"Just one piece?" said Sora, his face falling, "But the Cheshire Cat told me to collect four!"

"That's what you get for trusting a mysterious stranger," said the Queen.

Tears welled up in Sora's eyes. Trusting mysterious strangers was his _life._

"It's okay little buddy," Goofy said kindly, "After all, we got a special item, didn't we?"

Sora's face lit up like an angel night-light. "That's right! It's important to unlock every secret, find ever item, and finish every quest."

"See? You're not gullible, you're obsessive-compulsive."

Donald walked up to the stand carrying a cage. Thrashing around inside of it was a Heartless soldier, its eyes aflame with malicious intent.

"Nooo! I want my lawyer! I'm innocent! Innocent until proven evil!" it cried.

Donald smacked him. "You have the right to remain silent," he snarled, "Use it."

"Queen, it's obvious that a Heartless like this one tried to steal your heart, _not_ Alice," Sora explained. "The Heartless go from world to world, stealing people's hearts. Thus, we have a motive. But what possible motive could Alice have for stealing your heart? None. Now, I will speak in Latin: _habeas corpus, caveat emptor, quid pro quo_. That means I win!"

Goofy smiled. Taking that trip to the _Alley McBeal_ universe had worked wonders in Sora's rhetoric. That Heartless dancing baby had been as weird as hell, though.

"Yes, yes, whatever," said the Queen, "Now, Noel, present our evidence."

"Take off your jacket, bee-yotch," Noel ordered.

"What? I would never do such a thing!" Alice shrieked.

An Ace and a Jack put sharp objects to her throat. "NOW!" shouted the Queen.

Blushing, Alice removed her jacket. Underneath was an 'I ♥ the Heatless' T-shirt.

Sora, Donald, and Goofy stared, their eyes bulging to the size of Anna Nicole Smith's giant white booty.

"Huh?" Sora whispered.

"And there's more!" said Noel, "I have a bloodstained ill-fitting glove, the Watergate tapes, and the body of Jimmy Hoffa too. _Quid pro quo_ THAT, motherfuckers!"

"Well, what do you know, Noel was right," said Goofy.

"Wait a minute," Donald muttered, elbowing Goofy, "That white glove…"

"The CEO?" hissed Goofy, catching on.

"You can prove nothing! I call my _other _lawyers to the stand!" Alice shrieked, rattling the bars of her cage. A white mist began to pour into the room…

"_This seems really familiar,_" thought Noel.

A team of Moogles trotted out of the mist and into the witness stand. "We represent the Square-Enix legal department," said the only one tall enough to see over the edge. "We have found unauthorized use of Ash Ketchum, Charizard, _Trading Spaces_, and the Keyblade in this universe, among many other things. Seeing as how this is the worst copyright infringement intwenty fiveyears, we are definitely going to press charges. Our customer support team should be here in…" he looked at his watch. "…Five minutes."

"WRONG!" said a deep, gravelly voice.

Everyone turned and looked at Alice. Her legs turned black and swelled while herarms began to grow to the size of septic tubing. A large heartless symbol appeared her chest, which had grown so massive it tore the cage open. Within seconds, the diminutive English schoolgirl towered above them as a massive Darkside Heartless (complete with frilly blue dress and blond curls of hair).

"NOW, QUEEN, I WILL FINALLY HAVE YOUR HEART!" she roared.

The Moogles all hurried out of the room. Alice began smashing the room to pieces. Cards went flying around like a game of '52 pickup' gone terribly wrong. Noel ran to join the good guys, and they formed a defensive formation.

"Gwarsh, she's as ugly as sin!" said Goofy as he crouched beneath his shield.

"I'd still do her," quipped Noel.

"Ewww!" said Donald.

"Cool it, guys," Sora said, taking command. "It's time to take this Heartless down!"

Sora drew his Keyblade and ran toward Alice, leaping magesticalyinto the air with a yodeling war-cry. Alice's hideous claw arm came swinging towards him, but he nimbly pushed off of it and flipped over her swollen head.

"Now I've got you!" he cried, spinning around and smacking her right in the spine. Alice snarled in anger, picked him up, and threw him through the bushes.

"Um, tactical retreat?" he called out hopefully.

"Not until I have a turn!" said Donald, lifting his mage's staff. Lightning gathered around it in a deadly sphere. It arced forth, the air crackling as it plunged toward the massively engorged demon.

"Wow!" said Noel, "That was really impressive!"

"Aww…" said Donald, blushing.

"Too bad it hit the Queen," said Sora, pointing to the barbecued monarch.

"Obviously,the shrinking potionis affecting our ability to fight. Tactical retreat approved!" gulped Donald. The good guys tore out of the courtroom, little legs pumping as fast as they could.

"GET BACK HERE, TENDER VITTLES!" Alice screamed, "I STILL OWE THAT FRIEND OF YOURS A THRASHING!"

Noel gulped. He hoped very much that she was talking about Sora.

"Quick! Into the table room!" yelled Donald, "We can drink that potion and get back to full size." The party raced into the massive room with Alice destroying the path behind them.

"Okay," Sora shouted. "We'll all jump onto that chair, and then onto the table."

Alice destroyed the chair in an unholy flash of darkness.

"You idiot!" Noel screamed as he smacked Sora. "Never shout our plans out loud! People can hear you!"

"But…but…we're the good guys…" Sora whined.

Unfortunately, Alice didn't respect this dialogue either. She took advantage of their bickering and smacked the two of them through one leg of the table, knocking them silly. The table teetered for a moment and then fell over with a groan. Alice loped towards their bodies, drool streaming from her hideous maw.

"Gwarshdamnit, I'm sick of this stupid 'no-weapons-passive-resistance' Gandhi bullshit. I'm gonna kick some _butt!_" Goofy cried, pulling out an M-16.

"GRRR…HUH?" Alice grunted. Bullets tore through her skin, riddling her with holes. Goofy laughed manically and tied a bandana around his head, Rambo-style.

"She is _so_ out of my little black book," Noel murmured.

Donald kicked them both. He gave Noel an extra kick for good measure. "_Ah, what the heck, kicking them feels good_," he thought as he did various jigs from _Riverdance_ on their helpless torsos.

Goofy came over and smacked Donald. "Cura!" he shouted, as green light poured from his hand. The two boys stood up, fully healed.

"Wow, Goofy! That was amazing! When did you get so good with guns?" said Sora.

"Charlton Heston is my president, hyuck!"

"Alright people, stop kissing each others' butts. We've got a problem," said Donald. "Thanks to little-miss-Heartless here, the shrinking and growth potions have both spilled out on the floor."

"You mean, we're stuck like this?" said Sora, tears welling up in his eyes.

"Err…that may not be the worst of our problems," said Noel, pointing to Alice's corpse.

"What? She's dead," said Donald.

"Then why hasn't her body disappeared like all the other enemies'?"

Donald's mouth opened to reply, but before he could get a word out, Alice grabbed him by the neck with her hideous claws.

"GOOD EYES, BOY," grunted Alice. "SO, YOU ARE NOT A COMPLETE FOOL."

"You wouldn't mind telling us how to defeat you like a good villain, would you?" said Sora.

Alice laughed, high and cold. "MY POWER COMES FROM THE DARKNESS OF THE HUMAN HEART. YOUR DESIRE TO DESTROY ME ONLY MAKES ME STRONGER! I AM AS IMMORTAL AS MANKIND'S HATRED, FOOL!" That said, she threw Donald's body at Sora and Goofy, knocking them both over and all three unconscious.

Noel gulped. This was getting bad.

"NOW THAT THE KEYBLADE MASTER IS OUT OF MY WAY, NONE SHALL OPPOSE ME!" Alice screamed.

Noel began tiptoeing towards the Gummi ship. Alice lunged forward and grabbed him. She lifted him over her mouth, halitosis washing over his body like clouds of poisonous gas. "BEG FOR YOUR LIFE, WORM," she snarled.

Noel dangled over oblivion, hanging by a mere thread. He kept expecting his life to flash before his eyes, like everybody said it would. But it would not come. That's when it hit him: he didn't have a life! He just sat around on his butt, letting precious seconds slip away forever. As much as he hated to admit it, his hatred for women was nothing but a bitter reaction to the meaningless void that was his existence. Of course, this existential revelation didn't help his current predicament in the least. So, he decided to improvise.

"Umm…are you doing anything this Saturday?" Noel asked Alice hopefully.

"HUH? WELL…NO, NOT THAT I CAN THINK OF."

"'Cause I was thinking, maybe we could go see a movie or something?"

"WELL, I DON'T KNOW. WHAT'S PLAYING?"

"Let's go get a paper and find out! Although, it depends on what time is good for you. When should I pick you up?"

Alice blushed. "OH, I DON'T KNOW. SIXISH?"

"That sounds good. After the movie, perhaps we could have a delightful chat with your parents about the role ofcommitment ina responsible dating relationship."

Alice was overcome with girlish glee. She swept Noel into a bone-crushing embrace, squeezing the air out of his lungs. "KISS ME, YOU MAGNIFICENT BASTARD!" she cried. Noel shut his eyes, puckered up, and planted a kiss on Alice's hideously swollen lips.

Suddenly, there was a smell like bacon frying. Noel opened his eyes and couldn't help but notice that Alice's face was dissolving. A blood-curdling gurgle escaped from her throat, which dissolved rapidly as well. Within seconds, all that was left was her blue dress and a blonde wig.

"Well, that was awkward," said Noel, picking up the wig and trying it on.

Sora, Donald, and Goofy, who had regained consciousness, walked over to look at the remains of their enemy.

"I guess her hatred was no match for the power of Noel's love," said Sora, envious. He wished that he could dissolve Heartless with a single kiss.

"What, are you kidding? I didn't love her," said Noel. "She just thought I did. That was enough to trick the bitch into falling for me. Her own damn love destroyed her."

"So what's the moral?" said Donald, "'Be a Heartless bastard 'cause love will destroy you?'"

"Sounds good to me," said Noel.

* * *

**Author's Notes: **

Yeah, that was only like two months between updates. Not bad at all! hangs head in shame In all seriousness, I was kept busy by school, relationship drama (which we are so _not_ going to get into), starting a comic (warning: comic not kid-friendly: w-w-w-.-xanga-.-c-o-m-/-ziltron), and writing a NiGHTS...into dreamsfan fic that hasn't been posted yet.

If you don't get the dancing baby reference, then I will feel like a very, very old man. So please pretend to, even if you don't. Also, what is _up_ with this website and randomly removing spaces between words?

**Personal Note(s):**

A, G, and B flat.

**Deleted Metaphysical Thingie Which Made More Sense Before The Revisions:**

_Ah, love! There is not a greater thing, though it easy to mistake other things for it. The greater the value of a thing, the more imitations there are. Beware these false loves, for their strength is great. They say that love conquers all, and this is true. But if you are not careful, love just may conquer you…  
_

**Next Time:** Part Four - Brain Fart


	15. 014 Brain Fart

**Author's Explination for Being a Lazy Bastard:** So...yeah. What has it been, six months with no update? Sorry. Thing is, I've been terribly busy with, you know life. Add a massive case of writer's block for the story at hand, and you've got...six months with no update. Six months in which Kingdom Hearts II came out. I feel like further parody of the original is a bit archaic. It's been fun, but I just don't feel inspired by this story anymore.

Long story short, I'm going to proof-read as much of the story as is finished and post it. This is roughly four chapters worth of material. When that's up, that's it, barring interference from my (apparently) narcoleptic muse.

So here it is...the beginning of the end:

* * *

Chapter Fourteen: Brain Fart

* * *

A Gummi ship blazed through the multi-colored psychedelic paradise of interspace, getting as far away from Wonderland as possible. Goofy sat in the back, reading _Soldier of Fortune_ magazine and polishing his 12-gauge. Sora and Donald were in the front, bickering over the Gummi ship's controls. Noel was in the rest room, trying on Alice's wig and posing in the mirror. 

"Wait a minute," said Sora, "How'd we get big again? Didn't Alice spill the growth potion?"

Donald sighed. "Growth potion is over-the-counter medication, Sora. You can buy it anywhere and not break a fiver."

"Hmm…I guess that makes sense," said Sora, scratching his chin, "But I still feel like we're forgetting something."

"Nah, we're fine."

"Can I fly the Gummi ship then?"

"No way! Our insurance doesn't cover Keyblade Masters."

"Aww…"

A sudden explosion rocked the ship from behind, flinging all of the occupants to the front of the vehicle. Then, the air bags kicked in and knocked them onto the floor. Sora disentangled himself from the semi-human pile and ran to the back window.

"Wonderland is gone!" he cried in disbelief.

Donald slapped his forehead. "Chipmunk crap on a stick! Did anyone remember to seal the Keyhole?"

"The Keyhole? What's that?" said Sora.

"There's one of them on every world. The Heartless open it to get into the world's heart."

"Why?"

"Given enough time, they can steal the world's copyright, shattering it into a shower of sinfully delicious Gummi blocks. The Keyblade is the only thing that can lock the keyholes, restore the copyrights, and save the worlds. That's why our mission is so important, you morons! What, you think we've been running around these stupid backwater planets for our health?"

"Wait a minute," said Noel, "Aren't the Square-Enix Moogle-lawyers the ones blowing up worlds? In order to stop copyright violators?"

"Yes," said Donald testily, "And why are you still wearing the wig, you freak? Going transgender on us?"

Noel pulled off his stolen blond tresses, ignoring Donald's attack on his orientation. "Then why are they blowing up _your_ worlds? Isn't Wonderland owned by Disney?"

Donald blinked. He blinked again.

"Motherfucker!" he screamed, no longer caring that the Keyblade Master was a minor. "Goofy, fire off a memo to Eisner about this, ASAP!"

"Gwarsh, Donald, I really don't like when people say 'asap.' It's an acronymn, not a word, hyuck!"

"...I hate you so hard."

An hour later, a response memo came back to them. Donald read it slowly, stunned at the response. He read it again in disbelief and handed it to Goofy. Goofy realized that he was functionally illiterate and asked Donald to read it out loud. Donald sighed and began rattling off its contents:

"_Hello boys, good to hear from you again. Glad to know you escaped certain death at the hands of an English schoolgirl. Speaking of which, we're well aware of Wonderland's liquidation. Square-Enix cleared it with our legal department, so it's not a problem. So no grieving for the death of millions, you guys. That ship runs on happy faces! By the way, your medical coverage has been dropped due to your new status as 'Ungodly High Risk' employees._

_Love,_

_"Mikey" Eisner, CEO of Disney and Führer of its domains_

_P.S. It has come to my attention that you two, along with the Keyblade Master, tried to interfere with the destruction of Wonderland. Square-Enix has declared him a rogue agent and demanded his immediate liquidation. Dispose of him and report back to base immediately._"

"Sweet!" yelled Noel, "I get to be the new Keyblade Master! Sora, bite the curb."

Sora, of course, wet himself at the prospect of being executed _American History X_-style by his new friends.

"Dude, I was just kidding," said Noel. "Now go change into clothing that isn't stained with cowardly urine."

"Gwarsh," said Goofy, twirling his revolver, "Eisner has gone nuts if he thinks I'm gonna betray one of my best buddies! Donald, you've done me right through thick and thin, so I knows I can count on you. We've got to stop Eisner for the good of the Company!"

"No! It's too dangerous!" said Donald, waving his hands frantically. "Choose someone else! I'm not a hero! RAPE! RAPE!"

Goofy sighed and pressed a button on the control panel. The ship's PA system kicked on and played Disneyworld's National Anthem:

"_Oh, say can you see, by the projector's light,  
__He so proudly we hailed at cash registers' ringing?  
__Whose broad ears and bright shoes, through the perilous fight,  
__O'er the cartoons we watched, turned our minds into pudding?  
__And the short pants' red glare, the white gloves, oh so fair,  
__Gave proof through the night that our mouse was still there.  
__O say, does that mass-market rodent yet wave  
__In the land of long lines and the world Disney made?_"

Donald wiped a tear away from his eyes, clearly overcome with emotion. "Damn it Goofy, you're right. I've forgotten my patriotic pride too long! No more will we submit to the whims of a madman with no respect for the lives of his people. It's time to declare our independence, rise up in arms, and strike back!"

Noel snorted derogatorily. "Yeah, that's right. Aren't you the ones who whined about how your worlds would fall apart if you violated your copyrights? You wanna end up like those poor bastards in Traverse Town?"

"It's better than being the Company's butt monkey," shot back Donald. "Actually, I think we should go back to Traverse Town and ask for their help!"

"What, those pitiful wrecks of their former selves? Jeez, why don't we recruit some lepers and quadriplegics while we're at it?"

"Better lepers and quadriplegics than the Company's butt monkeys!"

"Enough with the butt monkeys already!"

Goofy sighed and began polishing his revolver. Sora, who had been in the restroom changing his pants, realized that Donald was distracted. He ran to the front of the ship and grabbed the controls.

"'Set course for Traverse Town, cap'n!' 'Anchors away, me mateys, and swab the poop deck,'" he said gleefully. 'Pirate' was his second-favorite game, right after 'Keyblade Master.'

Meanwhile, Leon lay in a sickbed at St. White Mage Memorial Hospital, hooked up to a variety of painful-looking machines. The tubes crammed in his orifices bought him precious, if uncomfortable, moments of life. Yuffie sat beside him, crying.

"How am I supposed to seduce you now?" she said softly, patting his hand. "You're disappointing all the Squffie fans, you know."

Leon's eyes opened the smallest amount possible, like a newborn puppy. He gestured weakly for her to come closer. Yuffie put her ear as close to his mouth as possible, trying to make out his raspy voice:

"Fuck…off…fatty…"

Yuffie put her arms around his neck in a tender embrace. Then, she gently removed his pillow and began to smother him with it. "This is tough love, bee-yotch!" she screamed.

Dr. Cid walked into the room, and seeing his patient in danger, upheld his Hippocratic Oath by chucking his clipboard at the 16-year-old fan girl. It clipped the side of her head, knocking her to the ground.

"Damn kids, making out on their deathbeds," muttered Cid.

"Oh…god…no...not…with…her…" wheezed Leon.

"Hey now, if I was as close to death as you, I'd take any chance to spread my genes."

"Please…stop…mental…image…"

"Alright, alright. There's nothing more pathetic than a dying sympathy whore."

Yuffie stood up, indignant, and stomped out of the room, pausing only to punch Dr. Cid in the stomach. He clutched his gut in feigned agony.

"Ooofff! Oh no, the little girl is hitting me! Whatever shall I do, wherever shall I go?"

"Check…for…your…wallet…"

"Damnit! Not again!" yelled Cid, as he ran after the mystery ninja.

Leon closed his eyes. "_At least she's good for something,_" he thought, as he let the pain medication take him away to slumber land.

In a convenient plot twist, a sinister agent of Darkness appeared by his bedside at that very moment. He had come from Hollow Bastion with a hell-banjo on his knee and orders to destroy Traverse Town in his hands. The stranger looked down at Leon, who was frail, weak, and about to succumb to the darkness.

"And if all goes well, many more will follow," he sneered, running a gloved hand through his shining silver hair. "World after world shall fall into the darkness, and then…"

He laughed again and walked out of the room, headed for the Third District and the Keyhole.

Sora smiled and pulled a random lever. He wasn't sure what any of the controls on the Gummi ship did, but they were sure fun to play with. His favorite was the one that said "Dump Fuel." It was red!

"Look, Donald, you win the argument," said Noel, "I'm going to go take a crap."

"Better a crap than the Company's butt monkey!" said Donald.

"For the love of a freaking pagan deity, shut up!" screamed Noel

"Better shut up than the Company's butt-" said Donald, as Goofy pumped 50 rounds of hot steaming bullet into the back of his head.

"Ran out of guns to polish," said Goofy testily.

"Umm, guys?" said Sora, as he walked into the room, "I think we've got a problem."

"What is it, buddy?" said Goofy.

"Well, after that random gunfire, a bunch of lights started blinking on the controls. I think our brake lines got severed. Is that bad?"

"Holy crap!" screamed Donald, "We're gonna die!"

"Dude, you can regrow your head. What are you worried about?" said Noel.

"Oh. Well, that's a good point."

Dr. Cid stood outside of the Hospital, smoking. He sighed and flicked his ashes on Yuffie, who was hiding in the shadows with a garrote wire.

"Aww… you found me." she said. "And your stupid burning ashes scarred my face!"

"Yeah, well, it's not like yer gonna get any action with that flabby body anyway."

Yuffie huffed indignantly. "Once you've had fat, you can't go back!" she declared defiantly.

"Once you've had fat, you can't go _anywhere_. Not with a crushed pelvis." He laughed sardonically until the tar glued to the sides of his lungs made him cough loudly and hack up a wad of tobacco-phlegm. "Anyway, I have to go give Leon his nightly enema. If you stay out here, watch out for the Heartless. The fuckers have been everywhere lately."

"How bad is it?" she said, grabbing his arm.

"Nothing we can't handle for another week or two. After that, we're screwed."

Yuffie shuddered. Dr. Cid walked off, pulling on extra-large latex gloves and muttering about 'going Schavio on Leon's ass.' He didn't notice that his Rolex was missing. Pocketing it, the mystery ninja wandered off into Third District to kill some time. Gazing up at the night sky, she noticed an unusually bright star. She clasped her hands together and decided to make a wish.

"Star light, star bright, brightest star I see tonight, I wish I may, I wish I might – Hey, is that a – HOLY CRAP!"

Yuffie hit the dirt, a blazing comet burning through the air above her. She opened an eye just in time to see it crash into the Hotel. Flaming chunks of rubble kicked up into the air, raining down deadly shrapnel which conveniently missed Yuffie but tore a less plot-essential innocent bystander to shreds.

Looking closer at the wreckage, Yuffie realized that it wasn't a comet at all, but a Gummi ship. She gasped in horror and ran to the Hospital for help, completely forgetting to strip the bodies of the passengers for their valuables.

"Well, that went well," said Donald cheerfully. "Anyone care to join me in a rousing search through the ruins of the Hotel for casualties?"

"Well shucks, Donald, I thought ya'd never ask!"

The four of them worked together like a good team should. Donald cast Blizzaga to put out the flames while Goofy and Sora cleared wreckage. Noel was assigned severed limb cleanup duty, and there were plenty of them to go around.

"You know, it's funny. You wouldn't think many people would be staying at Hotel surrounded by Heartless," he muttered, throwing a fibula over his shoulder. "Speaking of which…Hey Sora, have you seen any Heartless yet?"

"Nope! I think the explosion scared them off. Have you found any bodies?"

"Just the mangled corpses of your missing friends! At least I think it's them. You wouldn't have dental records with you, wouldja?"

Sora laughed. He hoped very much that Noel was kidding.

"Seriously though, there's an arm down here, but it's pinned under a huge freaking chunk of cement. Can you guys help me get it out?"

Goofy and Sora clambered down the drywall and pipes to where Noel was pointing.

"Who is it?" said Sora.

"I don't know," said Noel, "There's a gloved hand and an arm in a black cloak. It's probably just the janitor."

Goofy began pushing the cement block off of the arm. It was hard going.

"No! Not towards my body, you idiots!" screamed a muffled voice.

Goofy shrugged and pushed the block the other way.

"Now you're crushing my arm! Oh God, it hurts!"

Goofy shrugged again and attached a small timed explosive to the block. "Duck and cover, everybody!" he yelled.

"What? What's that ticking noise?" said the muffled voice.

"KA-BOOOOM!" said the explosive, who was actually a cameo character from the _FFVII _Mako reactor bombing scene.

Grey smoke shot out, choking our fine, intrepid heroes. They made their way through the hazy clouds and looked down at the life they had saved. Covered in gravel and gray dust, with pretty much every bone in his body broken, was the Intern of Darkness: Blake Avery.

"Dude!" said Noel. "Long time no see!"

"Yeah, nice to see you too…" he wheezed, "Now, would you terribly mind finding me medical attention?"

"I dunno, man. You _did_ do that 'turn evil and destroy the world' shit."

"Oh great, a cliffhanger…" sighed Blake, conveniently passing out.

* * *

**AN:** CLIIIIIIIFHANGER!!!! Wasn't that a crappy movie or something? 

Pffft. Happy faces.

That's a parody of the American national anthem, for folks from other countries who may not recognize it.


	16. 015 Angry Mobs and Metaphysics

Chapter Fifteen: Angry Mobs and Metaphysics

* * *

The good guys stood around Blake's crumpled body, discussing what to do with him. Donald and Goofy were all for leaving him to the Heartless, but Noel wouldn't hear of it. After all, Blake was the only person left in the universe he could talk to about video gaming. 

"Alright guys, let's get him to the hospital!" cried Sora, as he grabbed Blake by the legs and dragged him over a pile of broken glass and exposed metal piping. Face down, of course.

"Slow down there, buddy," said Goofy, "The hospital is back over there. Ya wouldn't want to take him the wrong way, wouldja?"

Sora nodded and went back across the tetanus playground, catching a nail in Blake's left nostril. The good guys ambled along to the Third District exit, leaving a trail of skinned flesh behind them. Little did they realize that Dr. Cid and Yuffie were watching them from the shadows, waiting for them to fall into their devious trap. As they crossed into First District, Sora set off a hidden wire, dropping a cunningly placed basket and its deadly load.

"What the hell?" said Noel, "Who the fuck drops water balloons on their enemies? You guys are fucking amateurs!"

"You mean you can see us behind this barrel?" said Yuffie, her face falling.

"Girl, that barrel should be hiding behind _you_."

"Take that back, you son of a bitch!" growled Yuffie as she reached for her boomerang-thingy. Noel flipped her off. She then thought better and grabbed her pepper spray, unloading it into Noel's face.

"SWEET ZOMBIE KRISHNA ON A MOTORBIKE!" he screamed, clawing at his eyes in distress. Sora let go of Blake, leapt forward, and smashed Yuffie in the side with the Keyblade, flinging her a good ten yards. She crashed through the wall of the Accessory Shop, crushing two innocents and an escaped convict guilty of multiple homicides. Thus was karma satisfied and balance maintained in the universe.

Donald smacked Sora in the back of the head. "You idiot!" he yelled, "We came to Traverse Town to ask for their help! Only start beating them if they refuse."

"Sorry, Donald," sighed Sora. All of these rules were confusing him.

Cid took a drag on his cigarette and blew the smoke into Donald's face. "So, you want our help, eh? Did you and your precious Company have a hissy fit? I bet ya came here to eat bon-bons and watch _Sleepless in Goddamn Seattle_."

Noel screamed in renewed agony. He fucking _hated_ that movie.

"Well guess what girlfriend, you can take your pajama party and cram it up your ass! Get the hell out of my town, ya Mousketeer bitches!"

Donald sighed. This wasn't going well. But he summoned his diplomatic spirit and drew upon the all the negotiating skills he had: "Let us be your friends and keep the bad guys from killing you," he said, "Or _we'll_ fucking destroy you and everything you hold dear."

Dr. Cid swallowed his still-burning cigarette in surprise. "Alrighty then," he said, "So you'll be joining me in my office. Coffee anyone?"

"Just a shot of morphine, thanks," whimpered Noel.

Dr. Cid and the good guys walked ahead to the Hospital in order to work out some business. Yuffie was taken from the wreckage by a crew of burly orderlies, a flatbed truck, and a construction crane. She was rushed to the Hospital and placed in a semi-private room with Leon and a burly orderly whose upper body had been crushed rescuing her.

"I'll level with you," said Cid as he passed out coffee and biscuits, "Traverse Town is in shitty shape. With Aerith dead, Leon in Intensive Care, and Yuffie waddling around like a bitch in a Barney outfit, we can hold out for four or five days tops. The Corporations have won."

"Not yet, they haven't!" said Donald, "We're on your side now. Sora will seal Traverse Town's Keyhole and you'll be fine."

"You still don't get it, do you?" said Cid. He stood up and walked to Leon and Yuffie's bleeding and broken bodies. "Look at them," said Cid, "Without our copyrights, it's just a matter of time."

"But if we save Traverse Town-" said Sora.

"It's not Traverse Town, you moron, it's us!" snapped Cid. "We're bound to our original world, Hollow Bastion. As long as the Corporations control it, we'll just keep falling apart." He tenderly put his hand on Leon's forehead. "He's dying, and there's not a damn thing anyone can do about it. Not me, not you, not anybody."

"Shit," said Donald, "There's a lot of worlds between here and Hollow Bastion. No matter how fast we move, we'll never make it there in time to save them. I hate to admit it, but Cid is right."

Cid snorted disdainfully. "I'd be more worried about saving yourselves. You're copyright violators like us now. It's just a matter of time before you fall too."

Sora began crying at the unfairness of it all. "I don't wanna lose my heart!" he whined, stamping his feet. Donald and Goofy began arguing over what to do next. Noel just rolled his eyes and picked up a surgical bone saw. Glancing around the room to make sure no one noticed, he casually cut Leon's oxygen tube. Goddamn bishounen.

"I've got an idea," said Donald, "Let's torture that Blake kid for some ideas. The little bastard's sure to know something."

"That's a great idea, Donald. But where'd Blake get off to?" said Goofy.

"Hey kid, weren't you carrying him?" said Cid.

Sora wiped his eyes and sniffled. "Yeah, but I dropped him when Yuffie hurt Noel. I think he's still out in Third District."

"Shit!" screamed Cid, "That's where Traverse Town's keyhole is!"

Sora's head snapped up. "C'mon guys, we don't have much time," he said, entering hero mode, "We're the only ones who can stop that scrawny asthmatic teenager!"

"They may take away our lives, but they'll never take our _FREEDOM!_" cried William Wallace, who was in the adjacent room, recovering from severe kilt-related frostbite of the buttocks.

Sora and company roared with the anger of a thousand middle-managers and drew their weapons. Noel flung himself through a window out of habit. Everyone else exited in a calm and orderly fashion. Together, they made for Third District, pausing only to pick up some pitchforks and torches.

The regular, non-cameo citizens joined them, since, let's face it, there isn't much to do in Traverse Town on a Friday night. Amazingly, only two thirds of them were slaughtered when the Heartless counter-attacked. But the fallen were all weak or elderly, so everyone took comfort in the fact that they really didn't matter anyway.

"This is it, everyone!" shouted Sora, "If our hearts are one, not even the Corporations can stop us!"

"Huzzah!" cried the masses.

"_What the heck does 'huzzah' mean?_" wondered Sora.

"Bully!" cried Theodore Roosevelt.

"Run for your lives!" screamed Blake, stuffing a book into his cloak and running from the massive rift in space that was opening in the sky.

"Oh _shit_!" cried the masses, scrambling for the exits.

"Blake, you jerk, you've gone and damned _another_ freaking world!" said Noel, as he scooped up Sora (who had been trampled by the panicking masses) and ran for it.

Blake puffed along beside him, his billowing cloak hiked up around his knees. "Damned?" he said mysteriously, "Or saved?"

Noel buried the purloined bone saw into the head of a Heartless soldier that was chewing on Sora's leg. "I'm pretty sure that 'damned' is the right word for unleashing a plague of darkness on innocent people."

Blake sighed and jumped over Dr. Cid's corpse. "Listen, you fool, there is only one way to save the worlds! All you must do is hearken unto my long-winded philosophical discourse that shall not only outline the nature of the universe, but explain in great detail the enigmas of _Kingdom Hearts_, the reason the real world was drawn into this conflict, and unveil the Copyright of All Worlds."

Noel rolled his eyes. "If you think I'm going to listen to you spout a bunch of crap like that, you've got another thing coming."

"Wait, this could be important," said Donald, who was riding on Goofy's back, "Go ahead and tell us your story."

"Why don't you start by givin' us a reason to let you live, you yellow-bellied Corporate weasel?" said Goofy.

"It is true that I have spent a long time in the darkness, and closer to the true darkness than any of you," said Blake, as he pushed open the door to First District, "But because of this, I have heard things whispered in the most secret chambers of Disney and Square-Enix. Things that even you were never privy to, Donald."

"Dude!" said Noel, "What position did they give you? Overlord? Elder god? Or, dare I say it, Eater-of-Souls?"

They all jumped off of the staircase ledge. "Intern," said Blake.

"You suck so much that it hurts to look at you."

"At any rate, I have discovered the one way to defeat the Corporations' dark designs: no matter who begs you, no matter what happens, do not let the Keyblade Master seal a single keyhole!"

Sora burst into renewed tears. "You're mean!" he cried, crossing his arms.

"Noel, your friend here is obviously still the Corporations' butt monkey," said Donald, as he fumbled for the Gummi Ship's keys, "Let's leave him here to die."

"Do it," sneered Blake, "I'll just escape using the powers of darkness and beat you to the next world. And the next. And the next. And-"

"Okay, okay, you hippie, get in already. But if you pull any shit, so help me, I will throw you into inter-space to inter-implode."

Blake nodded and jumped into the sticky ship. Goofy slammed the door shut behind him, just in time to keep any filthy refugees from piling in. Donald threw the ship into reverse and tore the hell out of there. Sure, they could save a few lives by dumping their cargo, but who knew what diseases those people might have?

"You better have a fucking brilliant explanation, kid," said Donald, as he set the ship on auto-pilot. Goofy stood nearby, polishing his rail gun. Sora tapped the Keyblade on the floor, looking for any excuse to cleave Blake's head from his scrawny neck. Noel tried to do something menacing with the bone saw, but ended up slicing his left thumb open.

"Alright, you oversized rubber ducky with a Napoleon complex," said Blake, crossing his arms, "Why don't you tell me what's inside a world's keyhole if you love 'em so much?"

"Its heart. You know, the thing you just stole from Traverse Town?"

"Right. But what's the _reason_ a world dies when its heart is taken?"

"That's where the law, the copyright is written. Without a copyright, a world falls to pieces. It works the same way with people. C'mon, Blake, you know this shit. You work for the Corporations."

"Just answer a few more questions. Who owns those copyrights? Who saved the worlds from destruction when the Light fell? Who depends on the copyrights for their very existence?"

"The Corporations…"

"So, if you save those copyrights, who are you saving? Did it ever occur to you for a moment that by saving the worlds, you are simply preserving their power?"

Donald's jaw dropped. Goofy's eyes bulged. Sora's hair would've stood on end, but it pretty much does that anyway. Noel swooned, but that could have been due to the bleeding thumb thing.

"Well, no, not as such," muttered Donald.

"Wait a fucking second!" said Noel, from the floor, "So why the fuck are the Corporations destroying their worlds?"

Blake grinned at his own sophistry. "It doesn't make sense, does it? Why would the Corporations destroy their intellectual property, their source of power?"

"Well?" said Goofy, "C'mon, we don't got all day, ya know."

"It's like this. The Corporations control the worlds because they own the copyrights. But copyrights don't last forever, and neither will the Corporations. When all the copyrights expire, the true Light, locked away in the innermost darkness, will return and reunite all worlds, taking away the Corporations' power. If they want to stay in control they must rewrite the copyrights. But they can't do that themselves."

"Why?" said Sora, since he doesn't get enough lines.

"The only way to change the copyrights is to rewrite Corporate Hearts, the Copyright of _all_ worlds. But no evil being can survive in its light. They needed an idiot of purest heart to unwittingly do it for them. Thus, they created the Keyblade Master to open the door to the light and rewrite Corporate Hearts with the Keyblade."

"So…I'm an idiot?" said Sora, scratching his head.

"Let's just say that I'm impressed you know I was talking about you."

"Burn!" yelled Noel.

"If they just need to change Corporate Hearts, why would they bother destroying all the worlds? Can't they just change the main copyright?" said Donald.

"Absolutely not. Due to a legal technicality, Corporate Hearts can only remake the _ruined_ worlds, not the intact ones. Besides, they need a convincing scenario. If the fate of all worlds isn't hanging in the balance, there's no reason for the Keyblade Master to open the door to the Light."

"Okay, smart guy, if their plan is so perfect, why the hell would Mickey give Noel the Keyblade?" said Donald. "I can't see how your world came into it, and that's damn suspicious."

Blake smiled. "Has it occurred to you the Mickey may have been acting without permission?"

"Collective gasp!" said everyone.

"The answer to your question is simple: CEO Mickey planned _Kingdom Hearts_, along with a Square-Enix employee named Ansem. But Mickey was a double agent. He gave Noel the Keyblade because he needed an ally whose power didn't come from the Corporations. The Corporations own and control every hero in their worlds, body and soul. Only a person from the real world can truly fight them, because the true Light is inside of them."

"Wait a gwarshdarn minute, you and Noel there are from _EARTH?_" said Goofy.

"Guilty as charged. We are from the world of darkness, where the true Light is hidden. Unfortunately, I'm too tainted by the Corporation's dark powers to be of any use. But, once inside Corporate Hearts, Noel should be able to call out to the true Light and take away the Corporation's power by rewriting the copyrights."

"So that's it," said Noel, clearly stunned. "That's why that rodent gave me the Keyblade. He didn't want me, he wanted the Light."

"And that's why the Corporations sent Kairi to get the Keyblade back!" said Sora. "They need it to rewrite the thingy!"

"And they destroyed your world to cover their tracks…" mused Donald. "Wait a minute; they destroyed the freaking true Light! We're screwed without _that_!"

"Wrong again. They may have destroyed the real world, but the world itself isn't the Light. The true Light made the worlds, He isn't one himself."

"Huh? Who the hell are you talking about?"

Blake's eyes took a very far off look, and his words became soft, as if he was reliving a treasured memory. "_All things were made through Him, and without Him nothing was made that was made. This is the true Light which gives light to every man coming into the world. And the light shines in the darkness, and the darkness does not overcome it._"

There was a silence in the ship. No one understood and damn thing Blake had said, but it seemed important. Everyone just stood there and looked reverent for a few moments.

"Well, that settles it," said Goofy, breaking the moment of silence, "Let's get goin' to the End of the World!"

"Actually, there is one…complication," interjected Blake.

"What is it now?" said Noel, rolling his eyes.

"Corporate Hearts only remakes the worlds that have been ruined. In other words, you need to destroy the worlds just as much as the Corporations do. Which, I might add, is what I was doing in Traverse Town."

"Great," said Donald, "We have to destroy trillions of lives thanks to a legal technicality."

"You mean, we can't use the Keyblade to save the worlds?" said Sora, sticking out his lip.

"Hey there, Sora," said Blake as he patted Sora's head, "We still need you to open the door to the Light! Good Sora. Good Keyblade Master. Who's a good Keyblade Master? You're a good Keyblade Master!"

Sora's eyes shut and his tongue lolled out. If only Blake would scratch behind his ears…

"One other thing," said Donald, "We're not powerful enough to fight the Heartless at the End of the World. Any ideas?"

"Make a detour in the Coliseum. You can fight powerful enemies there and win better weapons for participating in a savage and shocking display of brutality. I'll use the spare time to destroy the worlds since I'm the only one here with dark powers. That's what my assignment from the Corporations is anyway."

"Makes sense to me," said Goofy, "Anybody who couldn't understand all this would have to be as dumb a stick!"

"Alright, everybody!" yelled Sora, "Let's go save… uh, I mean, _destroy_ the worlds!"

* * *

**AN:** About the semi-cryptic religious reference... 

On one hand, this is a parody of a video game and dragging God into it was wholly innapropriate. On the other hand, this is a parody of a Square(-Enix) video game, and if you haven't noticed spiritual/religious commentary in their games before, I suggest you take a closer look. For my part, after spoiler alert! seeing The King seal himself in Kingdom Hearts to save the multi-verse from the Heartless, all I could think was "OMG Mickey Mouse Messiah." Just compare that with the King of Kings (i.e. Mickey) dying and descending into Hell (i.e. sealed in Kingdom Hearts) to save the world from sin (i.e. ...ah fuck it, you get the point). And there are, of course, similar stories in many religions, but that just comes right back to my point: to do a proper parody, it is necessary to address the religious language that most Square games are immersed in anyway.

I wrestled over whether or not to remove that quotation, out of fear that someone would be offended or think I was trying to convert them. But if you're offended by positive religious content, go play Grand Theft Auto or Gran Turismo or whatever. It's a free country. Chapter Seventeen is mostly about Buddhism anyway, so it's not going to get any easier for you.

And honestly, if you made it through the constant barage of obscenity and crude sexual references that is _Corporate Hearts_ only to be immature about a fucking verse from the fucking Bible, then you're pretty fucking immature. Fuck.

Oh, the verse quoted is John 1:3-5, New King James Version, with the alternate reading of "overcome" substituted for "comprehend."


	17. 016 Universal Death Warrant

Chapter Sixteen: Universal Death Warrant

* * *

Maleficent sat in the darkness of Hollow Bastion's Boardroom, trying to read a quarterly financial report from Eisner. But let's face it; it's really hard to read when you have no light. For a moment, she reflected on the ridiculousness of trying to run a Corporation in eternal darkness. The ambiance was nice when intimidating heroes, but living in constant inky blackness was actually kind of silly. 

"I wonder what it would take to get a halogen lamp into this hell-hole?" she muttered to no one in particular. A fragment of a joke floated across her mind: '_How many Villains does it take to change a light bulb?'_

Riku walked into the room, dragging Sleeping Beauty by her hair. She was unconscious, of course.

"You have captured another Princess of Heart?" said Maleficent, "What a diligent employee you are!"

"It's not like she put up much of a fight," grunted Riku. "The whore was passed out on her bed. Next to it, actually. In a pile of pill bottles. There're enough chemicals in her blood to kill a normal human."

"Such is the power of the heart," said Maleficent in her irritatingly cryptic fashion.

"I'd be more concerned about her liver giving out," sneered Riku, "That Alice bitch already bit the big one. Did you ever find out who her replacement Princess is?"

"Am I cursed to do everything around here?" sighed Maleficent. "Is not finding the Princesses your duty?"

"Only technically," pouted Riku, as he turned to go.

"Oh, Riku, before you leave, has Blake returned yet?" called Maleficent.

"No. But according to the guys down in the observatory, he _did_ manage to destroy Traverse Town."

"You mean the boy has actually done something _right_?"

"Creepy, isn't it?"

Maleficent just nodded and reached for the bottle of scotch.

* * *

And without any warning, the scene-dividing lines were back!

* * *

Music inexplicably played in the skies above Agrabah as Aladdin and Princess Jasmine flew through the air on the flying carpet. They tore through giant cloud sculptures and soared with pelicans. They saw the Pyramids, the Great Wall of China, and even the Americas. 

"Wow!" said Jasimine, "It's a whole new world!"

The Genie made some fart noises and turned into a submarine. Abu was comically indignant. The music swelled with emotion.

"Jasmine…" said Aladdin, as he removed his regal headdress, which was the size of a Shetland pony.

"What is it, Prince Ali?"

"I have a confession to make. You see, I'm a penniless street orphan, not Arabian nobility. Can you forgive me for lying about my background in order to get inside your giant MC Hammer pants?"

Jasmine swore. "You're the fifth suitor this week to tell me that! Aren't there any _real_ Princes left in this stupid aristocracy?"

A sudden explosion almost through them from the carpet as they passed into Europe. In silent, helpless horror, they saw a hole in reality tear the sky apart. Distracted by the impending death of their world, they failed to notice a silver-haired shadow jumping onto the carpet from the Eiffel Tower, which was hurtling towards the abyss.

The shadow seized Aladdin and silently flung him from the carpet, leaving him to the mercy of the French. Then it smashed Jasmine in the side of the head with a tire iron and threw her unconscious form over his shoulder.

The carpet sailed on through the night, which was being rapidly swallowed by the unholy light of oblivion. The shadow looked upon the dying world and nodded grimly. "One down," muttered Blake.

* * *

Sora, Donald, Goofy, and Noel stepped off of the Gummi Ship and into the Coliseum, ready for senseless heroic violence. How their hearts swelled with the thought of taking out their pain and aggression on others! Unfortunately, no one seemed to be there. 

"Where are the crowds?" said Noel, "Where are the pick-pockets, the spectators, the pimps and whores? For crying out loud, where's the freaking concessions stand? I haven't had anything to eat but Gummi Blocks for days."

"Let's check in the Coliseum itself," said Donald, pointing to the massive stone structure, "You and Sora find some snacks. Goofy and me will find someone from management and get us into the games."

Goofy pouted. He _liked_ snacks.

* * *

Riku threw Sleeping Beauty onto a pile of unconscious Princesses. He peeled off his black patent leather gloves and began counting the Princesses with his perfectly manicured fingers. That's how sexy Riku is: he can't even count without seducing every woman in 50 kilometer radius. 

"Sleeping Beauty, Belle, Snow White, Cinderella, and Princess Jasmine makes five! Just two princesses left…"

Deftly, Riku slid his hand back into the glove and ran it through his shining hair. His eyes, which hold forever the sky and the sea, shined like rarest emeralds beneath his flawlessly plucked eyebrows, which cut boldly across his forehead, like twin swords of tempered steel.

Suddenly, the twin swords leapt into battle as the perfectly cut emeralds narrowed in suspicion. "Wait a minute. I didn't captured Princess Jasmine." His lips, his purest ruby red lips, turn downward in disgust. Someone was trying to steal his job.

* * *

Lawyer Tarzan adjusted his tie. It was important to look good in court. He didn't have a shirt, but Clayton did. Clayton was his client. Clayton didn't like it when Tarzan didn't wear pants. Ooga! 

A giant police-ape lumbered into the room, dragging his knuckles. "All rise and give your attention," he grunted, "The Honorable Judge Kerchak presiding."

Tarzan, Clayton, and the prosecuting primate stood up. Some of them slumped because their bone structures didn't allow them to stand erect. The Honorable Judge Kerchak shuffled into the room and flung feces them. It was standard courtroom procedure on the Planet of the Apes.

"This court is now in session," grunted the giant ape. Everyone sat down, excluding those who lacked the ability to bend at the waist.

"OOOH-OOOH-AAAH-AAAH!" screamed Kerchak.

"Yes, your honor," said the Prosecution, a spider monkey.

"OOOH-OOOH-AAAH-AAAH!"

"Yes, Kerchak," said Tarzan.

"OOOH-OOOH-AAAH-AAAH!"

The Prosecuting Attorney jumped to the lectern, clutching his briefcase with his prehensile tail. "May it please court. My name is Bobo the spider monkey. I am counsel for Terk, the plaintiff in this case. I will prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that the accused, Mr. Clayton McClayton has been abducting, butchering, and selling the organs of innocent young primates for years by using credible witnesses, DNA evidence, and trial by water. Thank you."

"OOOH-OOOH-AAAH-AAAH!"

Tarzan walked to the front of the room to give his rebuttal. "Not Clayton! &&X! Not Clayton!"

Clayton buried his head in his hands.

The doors in the back of the courtroom exploded inward, carrying with them two dead security apes. Blake, eyes alight with dark powers, flew down the middle of the courtroom and shoved Kerchak out of his chair. His fingers dug into the wall, clutched the Keyhole hidden beneath it and tore out the world's heart. An explosion of hellish light screamed forth from the gaping hole as Blake disappeared into the ether.

"YOU MANIACS! YOU BLEW IT UP! DAMN YOU! GOD DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!" screamed Clayton.

"Ooga," said Tarzan.

The entire world shuddered, groaned, and flared into a massive explosion of light and gummi-rubble. The light tore through inter-space, past what few stars were left in the ever-increasing void between worlds.

* * *

From Ansem's observatory in Hollow Bastion, Riku peered up at that same dying light. "The Planet of the Apes," he mused, "Blake wasn't slated to destroy it for another four days." He swiveled the telescope. "And Agrabah was scheduled for two after that. Jafar wasn't ready. He must be dead!" 

He stabbed a random Heartless in celebration, but quickly turned back to the task at hand. "Jafar wasn't able to deliver Jasimine to us, even though they live on the same world. If Blake really did destroy it, then he's only one who could've captured Jasmine."

Riku stomped out of the observatory, intent on getting revenge on Blake. "But why? Why would he speed up the destruction? And _how _is he doing it this quickly? He's shouldn't be this powerful. Something is fueling him, making him stronger…"

"Young master!" Riku heard a messenger shouting behind him. "Young master, the magicians down in R&D have found the replacement Princess of Heart!"

"And? Who is it?"

* * *

Prince Eric snarled and threw his scepter at a serving-boy. "Why didn't we just let Ursula keep that whore's voice?" he said, gesturing futilely at a portrait of his wife and future queen, Princess Ariel. "All she does is complain about that eco-crap. 'Fish are people too! Stop eating them or my father will destroy your country!" 

The serving-boy bowed meekly and backed away from the Prince. And out of the room. And out of the palace as fast as his feet could carry him. Eric was in one of his moods again and those scepters were _heavy_.

"Oh, it doesn't matter that your country's economy is _based_ on fish products, nooo! You just tell those rebellious peasants that they're helping us save the planet. They'll understand." He spat at the painting.

To top it all off, he suspected that Ariel was seeing her old boyfriend, Flipper. If he found them together just once, they were both going to be sleeping with the fishies. Permanently. No, damn it, that's what they _wanted_. Eric hung his head, but quickly lifted it with an evil grin. On second thought, maybe there would be an accident at the tuna cannery. She was always whining about how they weren't dolphin safe…

A sudden shadow fell over the palace. Eric frowned and glanced out the window. There hadn't been a cloud in the sky a minute ago.

The serving-boy ran back into the room. "Prince Eric!" he cried, "Come outside quickly m'lord! A strange and wondrous sight!"

Eric followed the boy, shoving aside thoughts of homicide temporarily. Outside the palace, a crowd of filthy peasants and debauched nobles stared at the sky, pointing and murmuring with mouths agape. The Prince lifted his eyes and saw a most disturbing sight. A whale, a mind-bogglingly massive whale was hurtling towards the palace. It seemed to double in size every second, until its bulk filled the entire sky.

"It's the size of a world!" shrieked the serving-boy.

"_Damn it Triton, this is the final straw!_" cried the Prince.

* * *

Blake sat on top of Monstro's back, guiding him towards Atlantica. Pulling this off would require every ounce of strength and concentration he had. His eyes were dark pinpoints of total focus. Then, he muttered "Meh, close enough," and disappeared into the darkness. 

Monstro slammed into Atlantica, shattering it and pouring its molten core into inter-space. The few living creatures that did not die instantly from the force of the blow were torn apart in the vacuum of space or suffocated as the planet's atmosphere leaked silently away.

The broken shards of Atlantica rained down death on the neighboring worlds of Halloween Town and Never-never Land. Billions perished under continent-sized meteors. Clouds of dust blocked out light and fresh air. Temperatures dropped to below zero and kept falling. Every ocean became another ice cap.

And chunks of whale meat were _everywhere_.

Using the powers of darkness, Blake gathered the four worlds' hearts from their broken shells and unmade them in the frozen wastes of space. The darkness enfolded him and he left the graveyard of a trillion souls for the Coliseum, where he did a victory jig.

"Man, that was COOLEST THING I HAVE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE!" he yelled. "I mean, it was horrible that all of those innocent people had to suffer, yadda yadda yadda, but COME ON!" He glanced around the Coliseum, feeling very pleased with himself. "That was _so_ cool that it shook my _very core._ And loosened my bowels. It's time to take a massive dump." And so, he scampered off to the little Villain's room.

Once settled, as it were, he pulled out the book that Maleficent had ordered him to retrieve it before destroying Traverse Town. She seemed very intent on reading it. But upon opening it, he saw that it was not a book at all.

Tiny stuffed animals danced across the pages, frolicking with a boy named Christopher Robin. A bear, a piglet, a donkey, a tiger and others waved at him, beckoning him to come and play with them. And from its center, he felt the unmistakable beating of a world's heart.

Blake reflected a moment upon the complexity and fragility of life. After all, if he was bigger than this world, could there not be a creature bigger than his world? He would be completely at its mercy, no matter how great his dark powers grew.

Then he realized that he was supposed to be destroying worlds. And that the stall was out of toilet paper.

Halfway across the multiverse, Obi-wan Kenobi had a feeling that thousands cried out and then were silenced with poo.

* * *

**AN:** Writing this chapter was so friggin' fun. Seriously, you have no idea. 

I thought about naming this chapter after a level in the original Halo called "Gun Pointed at the Head of the Universe" or something like that, but decided to use something that sounded vaugely like it instead. Just a little trivia there.

Chapter 17 is in fragments right now, so it will be up sometime in the next week or two. Or six months from now. You know, whenever.


	18. 017 To the Tune of Be Our Guest

Chapter Seventeen: To the Tune of "Be Our Guest"

* * *

_Spoiler alert: if you haven't finished _Kingdom Hearts_ by now, you deserve the spoilers contained in this chapter. Seriously, get with the program people.  
_

* * *

Bronze statues of the mighty warriors of the past stand proudly in the Coliseum, but no less mighty or statuesque were the warriors gathered beneath them. In time, all would come to know the legendary exploits of these, the new gods:

Sora…Von Sorapants…brave of heart and dense of skull. His Keyblade is the grave of a thousand enemies; his hair, that of a thousand bottles of styling moose. Yea, all foes are trampled beneath his big yellow shoes as the Grapes of Wrath in the winepress of Divine Judgment.

Donald Duck, webbed of foot and short of temper. Arcane spells of elemental fury screech forth from his mage's staff (this is not a penis joke, so kindly removeth thy mind from yon gutter). Lightings are moved at his words, the voice of the thunders sealed in the Apocalypse of John. Or somethingeth.

Goofy…McGoofington…loyal of pancreas and impaired of speech. He has a shield. It's kind of a dumb weapon. Seriously, why don't they just send him out into battle with a target painted on his chest? Which is why he has switched to the noble firearm, raining down bullets in fury.

Noel Kleidon, foul of mouth and inserted by the author. Once he held the Keyblade of myth, but that turned out to be part of a complicated scheme that shall not be summarized for the audience's benefit, for verily, this story's plot is tedious indeed. Forsooth!

But even more tedious of word was the shining one who stood before these Champions of Justice and Justice-related virtues:

Blake Avery, the Intern of Darkness. Though powerful in the Blackest of Dark Arts ("macramé"), he turned his back on the villains of the Disney Corporation to guide the aforementioned Champions to victory. Also, he is rumored to drive the wrong way down the turnpike.

One could call him "effeminate." One could even imply that he resembles the mythical fairy. The term "bum chum" has been used. Even "colon cowboy" or "rectum wrangler." Some have let on that he is employed at a fudge packing factory, while others say he is an uphill gardener. One might even say he was a "baloney smoker" (this _is_ a penis joke).

But wherever the North was oriented on Blake's sexual compass, at the moment, he was pointing at his companions (with his finger, not...well, you know).

"You fools," he said "you fools have no idea what a precarious state this fanfiction lies in! There hasn't been an update in, like, eight months! Do you even know when this story started?"

There was a collected shaking of heads.

"Two thousand and fucking five, guys! Two years ago! That's pathetic, even by fanfiction standards. We have got to get our shit _together_. So, while I was out destroying the Worlds and harvesting their Hearts, what did you accomplish?"

"Well," started Donald, "We got all of the Trinity symbols in this level, found some treasure chests. Umm…"

"Oh!" said Goofy, "Good ol' Sora here found the dang ol' Snack Bar ol' dang hoot an' a holler!"

"Yeah!" squawked Donald.

"Wonderful," sneered Blake, "So who's going to clean the impudent little brat? He's covered in filth!"

Goofy looked balefully at Sora, who was indeed covered from head to toe in stickiness. Upon finding the Snack Bar, he bathed himself in the soda fountain and gorged himself on sweets with a ferocity that was terrible to behold. Individual malt balls flung from his orgy of carnal candy consumption were clocked at 200 miles per hour.

When he stepped out into the burning heat of the Coliseum sun, the sugar melted and fused him into a living statue. Yes, his striking features were chiseled into a perfect saccharine image of herodom not unlike the actual statues mentioned at the beginning of this chapter.

"Excuse me, Blake?" said Noel.

"Yes?"

"I also helped find the Snack Bar."

"Ah. That would explain the cotton candy in your nostrils."

"Yeah, I totally stuck my head in the machine. Sweet Jesus on a jumping cross, that was rush! It's like sticking your head in a delicious, delicious tornado of flavor."

"That's lovely, Noel."

"Do you want to try?"

"No thank you Noel."

"Your loss, dude."

Blake took a deep breath. "So, did any of you do any actual fighting here at the, you know, Coliseum?"

"There was, ah, a slight problem with that," began Donald.

"Yes?"

"Thing is, we got here kind of early for the competition. It doesn't start for a few days. Turns out all of the contestants were still on their homeworlds. And not, you know, here."

"So?"

"So, except for this one and Hollow Bastion, you blew up all of the Worlds, right? So, all of our fucking opponents are fucking dead. So, there was no one to fight. So we let Sora and Noel play in the candy, seeing as how we were stranded here waiting for you."

"You ass," added Goofy.

It was at this moment that Blake simultaneously broke out into tears, developed a migraine, an ulcer, and an intense hatred for his teammates. He lowered his throbbing head (not intentionally a penis joke, but whatever) into his hands and cried like the little girl in a floral print dress he was.

"We, uh, we did kill this weird half-goat half-man thing," added Donald lamely, "Little bastard said something about how we'd never be heroes, so Goofy here beat him to death with his shield."

"Oh, god damn it all," wailed Blake, "What's the use? This story is fucking dead, man. Game over, man. No one cares about the original _Kingdom Hearts_ anymore! _Chain of Memories_ has been out forever, not to mention _KH2_. Hell, they've even announced the third one! We're three fucking games behind schedule!" And here he dissolved into tears again.

"Hey, you okay?" thought Sora. Thinking was like talking inside your head! This is a useful thing to know when your jaws are cemented shut by chewing gum, taffy, and candy cement.

Donald sighed and laid a feathered hand on Blake's shoulder. "Hey, cheer up, Blake. At least we know Walt and the King are on our side."

"Doesn't matter," said Blake. "We're getting weaker and weaker by the second. If anything, we should just stop the story here."

"What? How would that help?"

"When the author stops typing, the story freezes in time. We'll be caught in limbo – never aging, never weakening, never dying. Giving up now may be the only way to keep the Corporations from winning. At least this way, Ansem will never open Kingdom Hearts."

"Whoa," said Noel, "spoiler alert!"

"Oh come on, they've all finished the damn game by now."

"Yeah, they have. And we're still stuck on the Coliseum level."

There was a collective sigh of despair.

"You know," said Donald, "Back in the Magical Kingdom, whenever we feel depressed or discouraged or find ourselves cast into ennui, we sing songs to feel better!"

"Shucks Donald, that's a dang howdy gwarsh of an idea!" said Goofy.

"You mean, musical numbers can take away from the soul-crushing despair of the meaningless voids that are our lives?" said Noel.

"Of course!" said Donald with a gleeful laugh, as he pulled a microphone from his pocket and began to croon:

_Slit your wrists! Slit your wrists!  
You're a teen and you're depressed  
It's been years since you felt cheer because your life  
Is meaningless  
End your angst, end your pain  
Yes, it's time to find the vein  
Get the hemoglobin flowing  
It will help speed up your going  
Drip by drip, one by one_  
'_Til you shout, "Enough I'm done!"  
Then we'll throw you in a ditch since you're deceased  
Tonight you'll sleep forever  
So please grab the razor  
Slit your wrists!  
Slit your wrists!  
Slit your wrists!  
Please slit your wrists!_

There was an intensely awkward silence, during which Donald and Goofy continued to do Jazz Hands.

"So," groped Noel, "so the moral is 'you should kill yourself?'"

"No," said Blake, "It's…it's reverse psychology, isn't it? They're trying to get us to keep fighting by telling us not to!"

"Huh?"

"See, by telling us to die, they think we'll get pissed off and fight harder."

"Oh!"

"Actually," said Donald, "The point is that you're a bunch of sniveling cowards. 'Oh! Let's all just give up and live in a nightmarish eternal limbo!' Has it not occurred to you that if the story stops now, we'll be trapped in a fucking FAN FUCKING FICTION for the rest of eternity?"

"You fucktards," added Goofy.

"So," continued Donald, "If the fact that the fate of the multiverse is resting on your shoulders isn't enough to snap you out of your fucking pity party, you may as well start begging the author to kill you off right now. It's better than being stuck in this literary train wreck 'till kingdom come. Can you imagine a more horrible fate?"

"Shit, I'd rather let the Corporations win than be stuck in this piece of crap for another moment!" said Noel.

"Damn right!" said Goofy. "Shucks, did ya think that me and Donald were happy about things? 'Cause darn if being a brain dead yokel don't make me wanna reach fer the suicide pills."

Jimminy Cricket crawled out from under a rock. "My wife just left me, and now I can't see any of my 6.5 thousand kids!"

"_I'm so sorry…_" thought Sora.

"And if you think that's bad, you should hear what happened to Pinnochio!

* * *

_Pinnochio cowered in the closet, trying to hide among the puppets. "Wait, Geppetto! I'm a real boy! I'm a real boy!"_

_"You've-a lied-a to-a me-a for-a the last-a time-a!" Light gleamed on the tin can in the burly Italian's hand._

_"No, Geppetto, look at my nose! PUT DOWN THE VARNISH!"_

_Thunder crashed outside. Geppetto reached for the brush._

_A bead of sweat rolled down Pinnochio's face. "DAMN YOU, GOOD FAIRY!" he screamed._

* * *

"Gwarsh, that's terrible!"

"Yeah, when Geppetto realized what he'd done, he took his own life."

"Is Pinnochio okay?"

"Well he did pull through the varnish poisoning. But it left his skin watertight. He'll never sweat again."

"Feeling motivated yet?" said Donald.

Blake and Noel nodded slowly. The candy shell around Sora cracked slightly as he did his best to nod, bless his little heart.

* * *

The sky above Hollow Bastion grew one star darker. Finely tuned instruments pointed at the heavens confirmed what every living and Heartless soul on the planet already knew: the Coliseum, the last other remaining world, was no more. They were now truly alone in the multiverse.

All of this portentous drama was lost on Riku, and on the Heartless that stood behind him, holding his hair and getting extremely bored. The bastard had been laughing, then crying, then vomiting, then laughing again for the last three hours.

"_It couldn't be, it couldn't be_." The phrase echoed in Riku's mind over and over again, a mantra disturbing the erotically tranquil darkness of his wicked mind. "_The Princess of Heart…pure of heart, pure of mind, of pure woman's virtue…_" The last thought sent another wave of nausea through his perfectly sculpted abdominal muscles. "_It couldn't be, it couldn't be…_"

The Heartless sighed. If this didn't end soon, he would just put Riku out of his misery and-

A flashing sword cut the little demon in two. A trail of vomit streamed down Riku's mouth and chin. They were coming. He could feel them in his impeccable bone structure. The idiot, the asshole, the other idiots and…

_Shudder_.

And _it_ was coming. The horrible, unnatural beast from the World of Darkness, was coming to his, Riku's, sanctuary.

Riku went a little insane. A lot insane, actually. He rolled around in the vomit, tore out his hair, ripped his own clothing to shreds, and vomited some more, all in a futile attempt to get the horrible, horrible thoughts in his head _out_.

The source of his horror was the last passage of Ansem's journal, which his magicians had just finished decoding. It contained a fragment of an ancient prophecy: "When one has fallen, you shall find / The pure of heart, the pure of mind / The Princess soul, of spirit true / Of womankind, the pure virtue."

The prophecy, properly understood, stated that when one of the seven Princesses died, the essence of her heart moved on to the next most feminine soul it could find, thus preserving the power of Corporate Hearts. At first Riku dismissed it, but when his magicians traced down the soul that, excluding the known Princesses, in all the multiverse most embodied the feminine spirit, they found…

"HUUUUURRRRRRRKKKKK!!!"

There was a flash of darkness. Riku tilted his head ever so slightly to acknowledge the dark presence that had stepped into the room out of the darkness. The vomit trail glistened ominously. And grossly. Very, very grossly.

"I have a…proposition for you," said a cruel mouth under a dark hood.

And Riku grimaced in madness.

* * *

**Author's Notes:** First, I'd like to point out the following from the last chapter's AN:

_Chapter 17 is in fragments right now, so it will be up sometime in the next week or two. Or six months from now. You know, whenever. _

Yeah. Ouch. Guess it was more like _eight_ months. But don't worry. Steps have been taken, contingencies have been prepared for, that will ensure the rest of the fanfic gets updated regularly. What steps, you may ask? Well, I went ahead and finished writing the damn thing.

That's right, every chapter has been written, edited, proofed, and prettified. Nothing can prevent these chapters from being posted weekly, unless the co-author and I are murdered, my laptop is stolen, an Electromagnetic Pulse wipes my hard drive, Western Civilizations falls into ruin, or I get drunk and forget.

_sigh_

In other words, you've got a 50-50 shot of regular updates, which is pretty good, I think.

Excluding this chapter, there are five more regular chapters, one epilogue, and a rejected materials section. Two of the regular chapters will be posted at the same time, as they are both short. The rejected materials run for seventeen pages of discarded gags, puns, plots, and so on, including the much-mentioned-in-these-notes Unoriginal Soundtrack.

At any rate, we apologize for the inconvinience and hopefully see you again in a week's time!


	19. 018 Magical Girl?

Chapter Eighteen: Magical…Girl?

* * *

When the Gummi Ship set down on Hollow Bastion, it was on the surface of a dead world. The original inhabitants had long ago been driven off by hordes of the most wicked and powerful Heartless, cruel beasts with magics fueled by the void itself. The odd thing was, these legions of battle-hardened Heartless were nowhere to be found.

But despite the total lack of enemies, it still took our heroes several hours to make it to the door of the castle, seeing as how the path to the castle was a complicate series of jumping puzzles, and even on their best days, Sora and Co. had the collective poise and balance of an Olympic gymnast with an inner ear infection.

No, scratch that. Sora and Co. had the poise and balance of an Olympic gymnast with an inner ear infection, alcohol poisoning, and a knife jammed into their cerebral cortex. But now, their plight was worsened by rapidly fading powers and Sora's nasty habit of getting stuck to random pieces of landscape (the candy still refused to come out).

They did make it to the door though, all except Blake, who kept getting tripped up in his own cloak on the very first jump. The group decided it was best to leave him to his fate. Laughing merrily, they entered the Grand Hall and were greeted by a stench straight from the most putrid bowels of hell.

There, in the middle of the room, stood Riku, covered in his own filth. Around his waist hung what looked like a hula skirt made out of multicolored construction paper. He wore a skin-tight long sleeved shirt, blue gloves with red fingers, strange boots, and far too many belts. His eyes were vacant, soulless orbs of evil. Scattered around him lay the bodies of the thousand most powerful Heartless.

Worst of all, he held a Keyblade baptized in their blood.

"Oh no!" said Sora, "Ansem has taken over Riku's body and increased his dark powers! Don't worry, Riku, we'll save you! Exclamation point!"

"Eh?" said Riku. "What the hell are you talking about?"

"It's just…you know…the vomit and shit," said Noel.

"Oh, is that what that is? GROSS!" said Donald.

Riku shook his head. "Ansem did give me this Keyblade, but my mind is my own. You've broken it, yeah, I'll give you that. The – _abomination_- you've brought to this world ensured that. But even filled with that nightmare vision, my mind is my own."

"Hey guys! I just remembered I have dark powers, so I teleported up here!" said Blake, looking chagrined. "Yeah, totally forgot about the whole 'move across space and time at will' thing. Gosh, I'm such an airhead."

Riku screeched. It wasn't a sound he was used to making, but it felt appropriate, so he did it anyway. He also did a little bit of sputtering, sending flecks of spittle and stomach acid intro the air, then switched into laughing manically.

This too felt good, so he decided to try expressing himself by gibbering like a crack-addled hobo, making a sound that sounded something like 'princep.' Finally, tiring of all that emotional sharing, he topped off his display by lunging at Blake, swinging his dark Keyblade wildly.

Noel, knowing that Blake was the only living person he could talk about video games with, suffered a bout of temporary insanity and flung himself in the blade's path in a rare display of self-sacrifice. Sora, out of the sheer goodness of his heart (and perhaps just a touch of poor character judgment), flung himself in front of Noel. Goofy, caught up in the rush of things, flung himself in front of Sora. Donald, who was greatly confused at this point, thought "Ah, hell with it," and flung himself in front of Goofy. On and on they went in the blink of an eye, a conga line of friendship and sacrifice.

Things didn't get truly confusing until Riku flung himself in front of his own blade, prompting Sora to fling himself between Riku and Riku. Unfortunately, that was when the Keyblade connected, ramming itself into our poor little protagonist's chest. His legs kicked helplessly as he hung in the air on the point of a blade.

There was a sound like the turning of a lock.

Like so many pounds of indigestible candy, Kairi fell out of Sora's body.

Yes, _Kairi_.

Riku blinked. He blinked again. He suffered a massive aneurism out of pure shock and fell to the ground, twitching helplessly in his own vomit again. Before he faded out of consciousness completely, it dawned on him how familiar of a position this was getting to be, and how disturbing that fact was.

* * *

_What's…_

_What's happening to me?_

_Falling…_

_Falling…_

_Into darkness…_

_Going under…_

_Don't want your hand this time - I'll save myself  
Maybe I'll wake up for once (wake up for once)_

_Not tormented daily defeated by you  
Just when I thought I'd reached the bottom…  
_  
_I'm dying again…_

_I'm going under…(going under)_

_Drowning in you… (drowning in you)_

_I'm falling forever… (falling forever)_

_I've got to break through…_

_I'm going under…  
_  
_I'm…_

_I'm doing my own back-up vocals…_

* * *

Sora opened his eyes. Kairi was hugging him tight. He shut his eyes. "_Don't move, Sora old boy_," he thought, "_Girls can smell fear_."

"Don't even think about it," she growled.

Sora opened his eyes. "Kairi…" he whispered.

"Yes?"

"I think I'm destined to start a goth rock band."

She squeezed Sora tighter, not caring if the air had been cut off from his brain. Obviously, his transformation into a Heartless had left him even more brain damaged than usual, so a little more oxygen deprivation hardly mattered. Besides, if she wanted a boy without massive cranial tissue damage, she wouldn't have fallen in love with Sora.

"I thought I had lost you," she said, sobbing painfully.

"So did I," he said, sighing wistfully. Fortunately, Kairi was too busy launching into a monologue to notice:

"After Ansem attacked me, I slipped into the darkness for a long time. I started forgetting things – names, faces, the times tables. But then the darkness started showing me things, so many strange and terrible things things. A giant, talking dog. A giant, swearing duck. Edible ship construction materials. A giant Heartless wearing a blond wig. But worst of all, I thought that you had teamed up with…"

It was at that moment that she noticed the giant talking dog, giant swearing duck, and the sick, perverted teenager she had left to die on the World of Darkness to die.

"That bastard!" Kairi screeched, reaching for Riku's Keyblade.

"Oh, not this shit again," sighed Donald. Fortunately, it was at _that_ moment Kairi noticed the other teenager from the World of Darkness and also began to vomit compulsively.

"Why do you people keep _doing_ that?" whined Blake.

"Oh God," wailed Kairi, "It's the abomination!"

"I wouldn't be talking if I was you, Ms. I-was-trapped-inside-my-quasi-boyfriend's-body-for-most-of-the-story! Also, big head and tiny tits, like what yo?" shot back Blake.

"Aww snap son!" shouted Noel.

Kairi hung her head and wiped away a streamer of Technicolor Yawn. "You don't understand…'Pure of heart, pure of mind, of pure feminine virtue…' – it's the prophecy of the Princesses of Heart."

"And?" said Noel.

"When Alice died, her soul moved on. The essence of her Heart, the power of the princess moved to the person with the purest heart, purest mind, and purest femininity in the multiverse."

"Okay, so some other chick is princess now. So who is it? And how do you know this shit? And what does it matter? And why don't you let go of Sora? He doesn't normally turn that shade of purple. Unless you feed him a Grapea-G."

Kairi released Sora's windpipe. "I know because Ansem told me, before he tried to kill me. He knew it would just move on to someone else. See, I'm…Sora, I'm a Princess of Heart. And as for the last Princess…well, it's not a chick.

"Okay, okay. Some _girl_."

"Dammit, it's... It's Blake."

There was a collective spit take.

"What?" said Sora.

"The fuck?" said Noel.

"Are you fucking?" said Donald.

"Kiddin' us?" said Goofy.

"I'M A PRETTY PRETTY PRINCESS!" said Blake.

There was an angry, awkward silence.

"I mean, 'Huh?'"

"You use a lot of big words and act smart," said Kairi, "But your mind is so ruined by television, so empty of any intelligent thought, so void of moral responsibility that the evilness of your actions isn't counted against you. It's kind of pitiful, really."

"Hey!" shouted Noel, "I watch a hell of a lot more television than Blake! And God knows I take no responsibility for any of my actions. So why does that rat bastard get to be a Princess?"

"That's the worst part," said Kairi, with a shudder. "It's his _femininity_. The long hair, the limp wrists, the preternatural love of the cock…"

"HEY!" shouted Blake.

"…It all came together to make him the most feminine person left alive, more feminine than any girl. The power of the Princess, combined with his dark powers - it's what gave him the strength to destroy all of those worlds. Together, they make Blake the antithesis of all that is good and natural in the universe."

Blake looked up bashfully. "I thought it was because I practiced very hard and was a good evil minion."

Kairi snorted.

Blake sighed. "Well, at least we've closed another one of the gaping holes in this shell of a plot with another flimsy, incomprehensible explanation."

"There you go using big words to cover up your ignorance again," sneered Kairi.

Blake whimpered.

"Umm, Kairi?" said Donald.

"Yes?"

"You have Sora by the neck again."

"Oh! Sorry Sora."

"_Play dead, play dead, play dead, oh Jesus Sora, play dead,_" thought Sora.

* * *

Suddenly, there was a massive leap in narration. Blake and Kairi were already strapped into the magical Princess tubes with the rest of the girls, and the swirling tear in reality that lead to the End of the World stood before Sora, Donald, Goofy. Noel.

"Whoa," said Sora, "What was that?"

"A MLN, a Massive Leap in Narration. The author must be getting really, really impatient," said Donald.

"Guess we should finish this then," said Noel, staring at the portal into the void that stood before them.

"Well shucks guys," said Goofy, "I reckon this is it. What with the whole 'End of the World' kajigger and all."

"One more fight," said Sora, in his bestest Keyblade Master voice, "And it'll all be over."

"Yes," said Donald, "One more battle against an infinitely more powerful enemy who so far has manipulated us into destroying pretty much all of existence and now only needs the weapon in Sora's hand to write all hope out of existence too."

"Spoilsport," said Noel.

"Yeah."

Collective sigh.

"Man," said Donald, "We've even lost our fucking ability to engage in witty banter."

"Yeah," said Noel, a tear welling up in his eye.

"Guys," said Sora, "I just want you to know that if we don't make it back…well, it's been a hell of a ride."

"Sora!" gasped Noel, "You said a swear!"

Sora grinned from ear to ear.

"You really, really, really fucking swore…!"

"Hey, are we a fucking team, or are we a fucking team? Now gimme a goddamn hug you cock hungry piece of shit ass raping bastards."

And so, in an awkward, stumbling group-hug formation, Sora and Co. stumbled into the End of the World.

* * *

**Author's Notes:** Not that anyone cares, but yeah, I was late updating again. Woe are I. But the reason was not a hangover, it was Bioshock, so yeah.

Not many chapters left...we speed speedily toward the shocking conclusion.

**Next Time:** Part 19 - Companies Love Misery


	20. 020 Companies Love Misery

Chapter Nineteen: Companies Love Misery

* * *

_This chapter contains spoilers for Final Fantasy X, Kingdom Hearts II, Corporate Hearts and the letter H.  
_

* * *

The End of All Worlds is made of the broken pieces of every world destroyed by the Heartless. As such, it was very, very crowded at the moment. 

Imagine a massive, pan-dimensional garbage heap, choked with the wreckage of a thousand planets. Arabian spires were jammed together with flotsam and jetsam from Halloween Town, the Lost Boy's hideout, and sprinkled with chunks of whale meat as far as the eye could see.

Noel, of course, dove directly into the rubble in the desperate hope that a Playstation 2 from the World of Darkness had survived that world's demise and found its way here, undamaged. Unfortunately, since the World of Darkness was one of the first worlds to fall, he mostly just found whale meat.

"Dammit Noel, now is not the time," snarled Donald.

"Oh, be nice," said Sora, "He lost his old PS2 saving my life."

"Yeah, thanks for the huge favor. Ass," said Donald.

"Besides," said Goofy, "If we stop Ansem from doin' that there thingamajig, all of the worlds'll get put back like they used to be!"

"Can't…wait…must…game…HARDCORE!" howled Noel.

And as Sora and Co. drug him out of a pile of spleen the size of Connecticut, the landscape around them seemed to twist. It flipped in on itself, flinging them through space faster than you can say "convenient narrative device," and finally dumped them into nothingness.

And when I say 'nothingness,' what I mean is of course a small, dingy office with beige soundproof walls walls. A Heartless with glasses and a prim expression eyed the rag-tag adventurers coldly.

"Do you have an appointment?" she said, in the manner that the President's secretary might ask the question of a homeless man that reeked of urine. Which, in all fairness, our heroes did resemble after weeks on the road without bathing facilities.

"Yes!" said Sora, "An appointment with the final boss, an appointment to battle for the fate of All Worlds!"

The secretary Heartless pressed a button on the intercom. "Mr. Ansem, your nine o'clock is here," she said, not taking her eyes off of them for a moment.

"Have them wait," came the reply, followed by a maniacal evil laugh.

So they waited, Noel attempting to think of a witty pick-up line to use on the secretary, Goofy alternating between twirling a pistol and glancing through the outdated magazines (_Better Tomes and Goblins, Revenant's Digest, Highlights for Chimera, Swarms Illustrated, Cosmopolitan)_. Sora and Donald fought over the remote control to the ten inch television mounted severely to the wall, but the only thing on was soap operas_ (The Young and the Moogles, General Beatrix Hospital, One HP to Live, The Days of Our Life Force, All of My Advent Children_).

Thirty minutes later, just as Donald was getting into one of the soap operas (it turns out that Tidus was actually the dream of a dead civilization who came to the future to defeat his father – and that Yuna, biologically speaking, was a man) the secretary pressed a second button on the intercom. A door to their left buzzed and clicked, letting them in.

Inside the door was another office, and also the eternal crushing void of darkness from which the Heartless were first spawned. The mysterious cloaked figure sat at a desk, filling out memorandum by the light of a massive shining door that sat, closed, in the heart of darkness. Around the desk stood a small army of Moogle lawyers who kept pulling out fresh documents for the figure to sign.

"Yeah, one second," said the cloaked figure, filling out yet another paper, "Just have to finish this Requisition for the Establishment of a Waiver on the Final Boss Fight."

"What?" said Sora, hopes for mindless violence clearly crushed, "We're not going to fight?"

The cloaked figure shot them what was assumedly a patronizing look. "You guys aren't exactly in the best fighting shape, you know. Heck, my secretary probably could've taken you down."

The Moogle lawyers laughed.

"Yeah…"

"So, if you sign this form, we can just skip the humiliating spectacle of your defeat and skip straight to my dramatic monologue and get on with opening that Door."

"Well, we are comically inept," said Donald, and so they all shrugged and signed the damn form.

He stamped the form.

The heroes initialed the form.

The Moogles notarized the form.

The figure filed the form.

"And now we just need you to sign a waiver protecting us from liability for any injuries you may sustain from opening Corporate Hearts, including but not limited to you spontaneously combusting from its sheer god-like power," he said.

The heroes signed the form.

The figure stamped the form.

The Moogles notarized the form.

The figure filed the form.

It was actually about as tediously time-consuming and redundant as an actual boss fight.

"And done," said the figure, presumably smiling. He coughed. "All right, time for the monologue: 'Behold the endless abyss! Within lies-'"

"Umm, Mr. Ansem?" said Sora.

"What?"

"Is there a form to skip the monologue also?"

"No," said the figure. He looked at the Moogles for confirmation. They nodded.

"No," he said again.

"**NO.**"

"Awww…"

"As I was saying: 'Behold the endless abyss! Within lies the heart of all worlds: Corporate Hearts!'"

Dramatic music began pouring out of the intercom.

"'Look as hard as you are able. You'll not find even the smallest glimmer of light. From those dark depths –'"

"Mr. Ansem?"

"Yes? What is it now?"

"Isn't that giant door glimmering? With light?"

The cloaked figure sighed. "Look, a committee of very well connected writers from Disney put this dramatic evil speech together. I'm contractually bound to deliver it even if it doesn't make the slightest bit of goddamn sense."

"Oh. Sorry."

"Yeah, you and me both. Anyway. 'From those dark depths all hearts are born. Even yours.'"

"Dun dun duuuuunnn!" added Benny the Moogle lawyer, with jazz hands. Everyone ignored him.

"'Darkness conquers all worlds! It is futile to resist, etc etc etc.' You know what? Screw this. I'm going to be the eternally-reigning Dark Lord of this crappy multiverse in a few minutes anyway." The figure snapped his fingers and the Moogles all exploded into flame.

"Let's just skip to the part where I dramatically reveal my true identity, eh?"

"Shucks, we already know that," said Goofy, "Yer Ansem, that there Seeker of the Darkness guy!"

"Nay," said not-Ansem, "That was but a clever ruse to conceal my true identity!"

"Oh!" said Donald, "I know! You're secretly Xenahort, Ansem's assistant who turned mad and pretended to be Ansem, becoming a Heartless! And in the next game, we fight you again, only he's not actually you, he's your body, which was left behind when you became a Heartless. And he's a member of a secret organization of other bodily leftovers called 'Nobodies.' Also the real Ansem is actually good and makes a dramatic appearance in the sequel."

There was a very long pause.

The others eyed each other nervously and edged away from Donald. He sounded like he had watched one too many of those soap operas 

"That," said not-Ansem, "Would quite possibly be the single most contrived plot twist in the history of contrived plot twists."

And he looked out of the computer screen and directly into the heart and soul of the employee at Squenix who thought up that particular gem. Yes, you bastard, feel the icy glare of Evil and despair.

"Three ducks in an Ansem suit?" said Noel.

"Oh, that's a good one!" said Sora.

"You know, for a minute there, I was worried that this big dramatic revelation was kind of stupid. But after ideas like that, I'm actually kind of impressed with myself. For I am not Ansem, nor the Heartless of his assistant, nor the body of his assistant, nor three ducks in an Ansem suit, but-"

He dramatically removed his hood. Sora and co. gasped in terror, for their foe was none other than:

"-Michael Eisner, CEO of Disney!"

"Gwarsh, he really is our Boss!" gulped Goofy.

"Yes, it is I, the Seeker of Profits, the Raper of Childhoods. And now, using the power of the Keyblade, I shall rewrite the copyright written on Corporate Hearts and rule these worlds with an iron fist for all eternity!"

"So where is the real Ansem?" said Sora.

"Oh, he's right there," said Eisner, pointing to a dead body that was conveniently lying on the ground next to them. "And just for the record, he was totally fucking evil the whole time. And he didn't have an assistant named Xenahort. And as you can clearly see, he looks exactly like the Ansem from the first game."

"Huh?" said Sora.

"Continuity," coughed Donald.

"Now that that's settled," said Eisner, "Corporate Hearts! Fill me with the power of-"

"You're wrong. I know now, without a doubt. Corporate Hearts…is light!" shouted Sora. Everyone stared at him. "Oh crap, I said that too soon didn't I? Damn this stage fright."

"It's okay, Sora," said Noel, patting him on the back.

"Light?" snorted Eisner, "Take a look around you, kid. We're talking about Corporate Hearts, the thing that allows Disney and Square-Enix to rule this multiverse. You really think we're ruled by light?"

"Well…"

"Look at all the crappy sequels Disney has put out, ruining perfectly good franchises. Look at all of the cheaply made merchandise. Do you know how many sweat shop factories we own? Do you know how many tariffs and trade agreements we've twisted to keep our cheap labor?"

"Euro Disney. Tokyo Disneyworld. We're spreading over the planet like a freaking fungus, speeding the destruction of local cultures with bastardized, 'family friendly' versions of their own stories. I mean, 'Mulan?' Freaking 'Pocahontas?' Not to mention the unnatural Barbie-esque image of femininity we've created in billions, count 'em, billions of girls around the world. God damn it anyway."

"And Square-Enix? Freaking Square-Enix? Three words: Final Fantasy Thirteen. _Thirteen_ 'Final' Fantasies. Come on! Even Kingdom Hearts is little more than a bunch of random licenses we hastily slapped together with some nonsensical crap about the Worlds being created by freaking children. Isn't it obvious what rules us? Isn't it bloody fucking obvious what Corporate Hearts is?"

The Door cracked.

"Corporate Hearts – it's all in the name, baby. It's the power of Money. The root of all evil. The might of Corporations. Supreme darkness…"

Dark smoke began to pour out, tinted a particular shade of green.

"You're wrong," said Sora, again, "And this time, I fucking mean it. Corporate Hearts is…!"

* * *

**Author's Notes:** So yeah, I'm comically incompetent, what's new. In recognition of the fact that I'm too irresponsible to keep to a regular updating schedule, even with the story finished, I am posting the rest of CH right now. Today. Yes. You love it.

**Also This Time:** Part 21 - Light  
Part 22 - Darkness  
Part 23 - All Things New  
Part 24 - All Things Old: The Rejected Materia 


	21. 021 Light

Part Twenty: Light

* * *

_…well, you could call it Light, I guess, but it was really more of a feeling. It felt like the joy of a fat kid swinging through the trees of Deep Jungle with Sora and Donald and Goofy, forgetting for a moment that he gets picked last in gym class. It was a little girl curled up on her father's chest as the sound of a princess movie with a happy ending plays through her dreams._

_And if it was Light, it was color. Color, yes, bright splashes of the stuff across a canvas, light and color in the hands of a fangirl staying up all night to lovingly render a painting of Sora and Riku in a compromising position. It streamed through the monitor of a clunky old Dell as a Harry Potter fanboy decided, hey, why should Disney characters have all the fun? _

_And sound, it was the sound of keyboards clamoring, of pencils scratching, the whir of cooling fans and people yelling and laughing at television screens with friends. It was OSTs spinning in stereos in homes across the world, from Sweden to Japan to the United States and South Africa and everywhere in between and kids singing along the whole time._

_Sure, the game was made by a corporation, but that just meant that an army of designers, of artists, of story-tellers and musicians was joining in the dance, in this web of common dreams that reached all the way back to a guy animating a mouse in his California garage and all the way forward to a crappy parody fanfiction._

_That's what Corporate Hearts was. Not a product polished by focus groups, not something that could be bought and owned, but a swirling, spinning, singing, typing mass of life; lights joined by filaments of light and set on fire by something as silly and inconsequential as a video game. It was fan fucking fiction._

_And in the end, that's what Corporate Hearts is. Not a heart, but a thousand hearts, children's hearts, bound freely and burning against the darkness._


	22. 022 Darkness

Part Twenty One: Darkness

* * *

_But for Eisner, it was a smell, his most hated stench of internet shut-ins clamoring for screenshots, the reek of a convention hall packed with folks who did not necessarily bathe frequently, the night of the living fans. He coughed it up, slapped his chest feebly and declined to comment. It was the smell of red ink and freshly minted bills, of desire and hate and disgust for the people who made his enterprise profitable._

_In his nostrils, it burned like sulfur. He clawed his eyes to get it out, to tear out the horrible fire that was eating into his senses, eating through his skin, dissolving down through his bones and organs until there was very little left of him but the darkness which he had loved so much for so long._

_For wicked souls like Eisner's, Corporate Hearts is not a door to freedom, but a mirror, reflecting back their own darkness. _

_And so, his blood boiled to ash in his veins._


	23. 023 All Things New

Part Twenty Two: All Things New

* * *

Eisner's body dissolved into nothingness in front of Sora and Co.'s eyes with a hiss of steam and a blood-curdling scream of terror. And just like that, with a puff of boiled flesh, it was over. The Corporations' plan, which had stretched over so many years and cost so many lives, was completely undone, completely ruined by some kid, a teenager, and two anthropomorphic freaks of nature. All that was left was closing the door, which was unfortunately the size of the Washington Monument and about as phallic-looking.

"How the hell are we supposed to shut that thing?" said Noel.

"I know!" said Sora, "Let's completely ignore the impossibility of moving, let alone shutting, such a freaking huge door and just slam our bodies into it repeatedly."

And so they ran to the oversized door pushed and shoved and grunted against it with all of their rapidly fading might. Donald, winded by the work, stopped for a moment to have a cigarette. 

"Less smoking, more shoving!" yelled Goofy.

"Hey, fuck you. I'm still not even sure why we're shutting it. Isn't Corporate Hearts supposedly filled with light and sprinkles and happiness?"

"Yeah, that's right," said Sora, "Why _are_ we doing this, anyway?"

"Well gwarsh," said Goofy, "Isn't it because of the massive Darkside Heartless on the other side that're coming to consume our hearts?"

They all peered through the door, and sure enough, there were the Heartless, right in the fucking middle of the supposed source of all the light and goodness in the multiverse. Don't ask me, I just parody the stuff.

"Why the hell…" started Donald.

"Don't question the plot!" yelled Riku, from the other side of the door.

"Oh, fuck you," said Donald, "You being over there just raises even more questions."

"Not as many as me being on the other side!" yelled King Mickey, who, for some inexplicable reason, had a Keyblade, a pony, and a shining magical tiara shaped like a birthday hat.

"Your majesty!" yelled Donald and Goofy.

"Or me!" yelled Blake, "I was totally in one of the Princess Tubes until, like, fifty seconds ago!"

"And don't even ask what I'm doing here," yelled Walt Disney, who was also behind the door, "I really shouldn't even be in this fanfic! I'm already _dead_ in real life!"

"I'm here too, guys! With no real point or explanation! Just like everyone else!" said Kairi, running up behind them from nowhere in particular. Everyone ignored her except Sora, who at that moment had his first and only brilliant idea ever.

"Kairi! We need your help!" he yelled, waving frantically.

Kairi ran over. "What can I do, guys?"

"We need help closing the door! Get on the other side, quick!"

"Can't I push from this side?"

"No time to explain! Plot holes getting worse by the second! Get over there!"

And so, Kairi squeezed in through the crack. "Oh, fuck you!" said Riku.

"Sorry dude," said Sora, but he wasn't. Not at all.

"I still don't understand-" started Kairi.

"Don't you dare close this door with this bitch over here!" shrieked Blake.

"Now, Sora!" said Noel, "Let's close this door for good!"

And so - driven by overwhelming desire to permanently dispose of Kairi - Sora, Donald, Goofy, and Noel pulled together to push together with all their might. King Mickey, Riku, Walt, and Blake tried with all their might to keep the door from closing with Kairi on their side, but slowly, it began to move. Inch by inch they pressed on until finally it shut with the crack of bones.

"GODDAMMIT SORA YOU GOT MY FINGERS STUCK!" screamed Riku.

"Gotta seal it fast!" said Sora, raising the Keyblade.

"I'LL KILL YOU! I'LL FREAKING KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE!" howled the silver-haired bishounen. "ARRRRRRGGGGHHHHH!"

But Sora, oblivious to the pain of his best friend, just sealed the door, thus permanently amputating all of the fingers on Riku's right hand. A golden light and a stream of finger blood poured from the door as it closed for good.

_When you walk away…_

"Well, that's it," said Donald. "All of the other main characters are sealed inside with the Heartless. God knows they'll all probably be dead in a manner of seconds."

"We're still alive!" They could just barely hear Kairi's voice through the door.

_You don't hear me say…_

"What?" said Sora, "I can't hear you over this damn music that has started playing for no reason!"

_Please, oh baby, don't go…_

"I said, We're still alive!"

"WHAT?"

_Simple and clean is the way that you're making me feel tonight…_

"Hey Sora, switch it to the Japanese version," said Noel.

_It's hard to let it go…_

Sora waved his Keyblade, which apparently now doubled as a remote control.

_静かに出口に立って__  
__暗闇に光を撃て_

"Wait a minute!" shouted Donald. "Your Keyblade doubles as a remote control? You mean we could've been watching something else this whole time?"

Sora scratched his head absentmindedly. "Huh? Oh, yeah, I guess."

Kairi was still yelling something through the door, something that was probably important, but they all just enjoyed the soulful sounds of Utada Hikaru instead of paying attention.

"At least we know that closing the door worked," muttered Donald.

"How's that, bud?" said Goofy.

"Cause the End of All Worlds is breaking up, see? That means that all of the ruined pieces of all the worlds are going back where they belong. The worlds will all be restored, along with everyone who died. And now, thanks to us, the Corporations' copyrights will run out one day, like they were supposed to – and we will all be finally free."

_ええと意味がないで_

_日本語で歌っているか_

_なんでも言ったら大丈夫だよ_

"So we did it?" said Sora.

"Yeah. We did good. ARRRRGGGGHHHH!" screamed Donald, as the ground beneath him and Goofy dissolved, returning to the world from whence it came (Al's World of Discount Pornography, located off of I-64).

"Oh crap," whimpered Sora, as he watched the landscape fall off into nothingness in towards them.

_なんでも言って_

_皆外人だし_

_なんでも言って_

_皆蛮人だし_

_君に言うことが分からはいよ_

_今にも_

"Well, Sora, it's been real!" said Noel.

"Hey, Noel, do you think we'll still be able to visit each other when this is over?" asked Sora.

"I'd be more worried about surviving the plunge into nothingness than whether or not we can have motherfucking slumber parties afterwards!"

"Ahh, fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucccccccccccccccccccckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk!"

And so, our heroes plunged into oblivion.

…

….

But the story didn't end there.

No, something far worse than anything they had yet encountered awaited them down that darkest of pits.

They were falling toward something fouler than all of the Heartless, more annoying than the constant penis jokes, something so horrible and godless that no other fanfiction has ever dared parody it:

The credits.

That's right, the motherfucking credits.

"AIIIEEEEE!" they screamed in unison as the list of jobs and names came speeding towards them:

**Director:** Tetsuya Nomura

**Concept Design:** Tetsuya Nomura

"Pick one and stick to it, Tetsuya Nomura!" yelled Noel.

**Main Programmers:** Hiroshi Harata

Kentarou Yasui

"Can there really be two main programmers?" asked Sora.

"It's like the Sith in Star Wars. One is the Master and one is the apprentice."

"Oooohhhhh…"

**Map Planning Director:** Takeshi Endo

**Event Planning Director: **Jun Akiyama

**Battle Planning Director: **Yuuichi Kanemori

**Technical Art Director: **Akira Fujii

**Character Modeling Director:** Tomohiro Kayano

**Actor / Model Director: **Fabio

**Animation Director:** Tatsuya Kando

**Background Modeling Director**: Masahide Tanaka

**Art Director:** Takayuki Odachi

**Menu Director & VFX Supervisor:** Tomohiro Ishii

**Texture Director:** Takeshi Arakawa

**VFD Director:** Count Omar

"So wait," said Sora, "If these guys are all directors too, what's left for Tetsuya Nomura to do?"

"Well no wonder he had time to do Concept Design too! The lazy bastard outsourced his job to Japan!"

**Music: **Yoko Shimomura

**Sound Programmer:** Hitoshi Ohori

**Supervising Dialogue Editor:**Teruaki Sugawara

"We have a Dialogue Editor? How the hell did we get away with swearing so much?"

"Teruaki Sugawara drinks on the job!"

**Sound Editor:**Chiharu Minekawa

**Movie Director:** Takeshi Nozue

**Producer:** Shinji Hashimoto

**Co-Producer:** Yoshinori Kitase

"Yoshinori Kitase is my Co-Pilot!"

"That was just lame."

"Sorry."

**Opening Theme:** Utada Hikaru

"She is so freaking hot."

**Voice Actor (Sora):** Haley Joel Osment

"Hey, that's me!"

"The twist is that Haley Joel Osment's career was dead, the whole movie."

"Huh?"

"_Sixth Sense_ reference, sorry."

**Voice Actor (Riku):** David Gallagher

**Voice Actor (Kairi):** Hayden Panettiere

"Heh-heh. More like HIDIN' PANTIES."

"She's my hero!" 

**Voice Actor (Donald Duck):** Tony Anselmo

"Wait…so it turns out that _Anselm _is really _Xemnas_, who was really_Xenahort_, who was really _Michael Eisner, _who was really_Donald Duck_?"

"Sure, why the hell not."

**Voice Actor (Goofy Goof):** Bill Farmer

**Voice Actor (Noel Kleidon): **Jonathan Roberts

"The sexiest of them all!"

"Yeah, maybe after Oogie Boogie."

**Voice Actor (Blake Avery):** James Williams

"What a fag."

**Voice Actor (Ansem/Eisner):** Billy Zane

**Voice Actor (Selphie):** Molly Keck

**Voice Actor (Wakka):** Dee Bradley Baker

"Wakka wakka wakka!"

"_Dee_ Bradley Baker? Even his voice actor's name has a lame Jamaican accent."

**Voice Actor (Tidus):**James Arnold Taylor

"Imagine if Tidus was voiced by James Earl Jones."

Darth Vader voice "Jeckt…I am your son."

"'NOOOOOOh wait, I already knew thaaaaaat!'"

**Voice Actor ("Leon"):** David Boreanaz

"So his name was 'David Boreanaz the whole time…"

"If that was my name, I'd forget it too."

**Voice Actor (Aerith/s):** Mandy Moore

**Voice Actor (Cloud):** Steven Burton

"Did Cloud ever show up?"

"He's in the deleted scenes."

"Ooohhh…"

**Voice Actor (Yuffie):** Christy Romano

**Voice Actor (Sephiroth):** Lance Bass

"Hold up. Sephiroth, the most badass villain in video gaming history, was voiced by a gay ex-boyband member?"

"Surprisingly appropriate, isn't it?"

"I know!" 

**Voice Actor (Mickey Mouse):** Wayne Allwine

**Voice Actor (Minnie Mouse)**: Russi Taylor

**Voice Actor (Daisy Duck/Queen of Hearts):**Tress MacNeille

**Voice Actor (Hercules):** Sean Astin

**Voice Actor (Philoctetes):** Robert Costanzo

**Voice Actor (Hades):**James Wood

"Heh-heh. Hades has Wood."

**Voice Actor (Aladdin):** Scott Weinger

**Voice Actor (Princess Jasmine):**Linda Larkin

**Voice Actor (Genie): **Dan Castellaneta

"They didn't get Robin Williams?"

"No, but that Dan Castellaneta guy? He's an actual genie. Disney has owned his contract for a thousand years."

**Voice Actor (Jafar):** Jonathan Freeman

**Voice Actor (Tarzan): **Tony Goldwyn

**Voice Actor (Terk):** Audrey Wasilewski

**Voice Actor (Clayton): **Brian Blessed

**Voice Actor (Alice):** Kathryn Beaumont

"Wouldn't mind Beau_mounting_ her!"

**Voice Actor (The White Rabbit/Captain Hook): **Corey Burton

**Voice Actor (Pinocchio):** Seth Adkins

**Voice Actor (Jiminy Cricket):** Eddie Carroll

**Voice Actor (Geppetto):** Tony Pope

"Let your conscience be the Pope?"

"We don't need Rome telling us what to do!"

**Voice Actor (Sora's Mother):** Kath Soucie

"What sort of a name is 'Kath?'"

"Mom's family was so poor they could only afford one vowel for her name."

"And here you are, parading around with two vowels like they grow on trees."

**Voice Actor (Maleficent):** Susanne Blakeslee  
**Voice Actor (Ursula):** Pat Carroll

"No relation to Eddie Carroll."

"You mean Jiminy Cricket?"

"Yeah. But imagine what the kids would look like if they _were_ married."

"Imagine what the_Honeymoon_ would look like."

"Oh, thanks, mental image"

**Voice Actor (Oogie Boogie): **Ken Page

**Uncredited voices are an early warning sign of schizophrenia.**

**Please seek psychiatric attention **_**immediately**_

**Localization Team General Manager:** Akira Kashiwagi

**Localization Directors:** Kazuyoshi Tashiro

Ichiro Nonaka

**Localization Specialists:** Amanda Jun Katsurada

"I could be a Localization Specialist."

"Really?"

"Yeah, I know our exact location: the credits."

**German Localizers:** Tet Hara

Marcus Wehner

Josef Shanel

"Sieg Heil!"

"Sieg Heil!"

**French Localizers:** Laurent Sautière

**Oogie Boogie:** Jacques Snicket

"What a Jacques-off."

**Italian Localizer:** Alessandro Mantelli

"Italian Localizers: They'll make you an offer that respects your native language and culture so much, you can't refuse."

**Spanish Localizer:** Eduardo López Herrero

"So they only did localization for, like six languages?"

"It's a small world after all."

**Localization Assistants:** Mai Morofushi

Satoko Kondo

Tomoko Sekii

Seikoh Hokama

"Ah, the General Locals."

"They're real Nowhere Men."

**Production Manager:** Koji Nonoyama

**Production Assistant:** Eri Morimoto

**Production Executives:** Hisashi Suzuki

Youichi Wada

**Executive Producer:** Hironobu Sakaguchi

"What's the difference between a Production Executive and an Executive Producer?"

"One job title was written by a dyslexic secretary."

**Theme Song (Simple and Clean):** Written by Utada Hikaru

Licensed by Toshiba-Emi Limited

"Wasn't she in the credits once already?"

"And she's just as hot this time around."

**Senior Producer (Disney Interactive):** Peter Wyse

**Associate Producer (Disney Interactive)**: Pat Larkin

**Localization Manager (Disney Interactive):** Sonoko Ishioka

**Inappropriate Localization Manager:** Mike Rotch

**Voice Director/Casting Director:** Ned Lott

"Kingdom Hearts trivia: In addition to his duties as a Casting Director, Ned Lott also served, uncredited, as the Reeling Director."

"Did you just make a fishing joke?"

"Sorry, didn't mean to bait you."

**Senior Artists (Disney Interactive):** Mary Ann Ramierz

Ken Chistiansen

**Consulting Artist (Disney Interactive):** John Loter

**Vice President, Console (Disney Interactive):** Dan Winters

"Now is the Dan Winters of our discontent."

**Marketing Manager (Disney Interactive):** Stephanie Yoshimoto

**Marketing Director (Disney Interactive):** Bob Picunko

**Vice President, International (Disney Interactive): **Sanjeev Lamba

"Ay la Lamba! Ay la Lamba!  
Para bailar la Lamba,  
Para bailar la Lamba,  
Se necesita una poca de gracia.  
Una poca de gracia para mi para ti.  
Arriba, arriba!"

"Is there a Spanish Localizer in the house?"

"Llama a Eduardo López Herrero!"

**Sr. Vice President and General Manager President (Disney):** Steven Finney

"Wow. America is such a great country. With a lot of hard work and a little luck, anyone can grow up to be the Senior Vice President and General Manager President."

Jan Smith

"Wait, there's _two_ of them?"

"_Anyone_."

**Senior Producer (Disney Interactive Japan): **Emiko Yamamoto

**General Manager (Disney Interactive Japan):** Shuji Utsumi

**Managing Director (Square Europe Ltd):** Yuji Shibata

**Deputy Managing Director (Square Europe Ltd):** Tomohiro Yoshikai

**Marketing/PR Assistant Managers (Square Europe Ltd):** Abbass Hussain

Stéphanie Jounau

**Homosexuality PR Assistant Manager (Square Europe Ltd): **Amanda Huginkiss

**Chief of Production Department (Square Europe Ltd):** Katrin Darolle

**Assistant Localization and Production (Square Europe Ltd):** Yuko Tomizawa

**Head Attorney (Square Japan Ltd):** Yugata Suu

**KINGDOM HEARTS IS DEDICATED TO THE MEMORY OF**

**LINDA LOVELACE**

**01/10/49 – 05/22/02**

"**Deeper Than Deep Your Throat"  
**

Suddenly, a trans-dimension portal billowed into existence. With a mighty shout, a predictably dark-robed figure leapt through.

"Hey, it's me, Genadad Avery!"

Sora and Noel looked at each other in confusion. Noel's eyes narrowed. There was something too familiar about the glasses that flashed behind the obscuring hood…

"Are you that boy-loving bastard's little brother?" he muttered.

"Noel! Hey, yeah, it's me! You know, the co-author's self-insertion! Oh, man, you would not _believe _the stuff that's been happening. Now I'm a level 93 dragon / werewolf / vampire / elf with stock options in the International Order of Ninjas, LLC. Ooh, ooh! Check out this enchanted sword I was given by a kindly magical puppet in the Dark Forest of Jorgan-Dun! So, I was walking through a wormhole made of liquid sapphires – yeah, I know, I was _awesome – _when a killer robot shark voiced by Theodore Roosevelt informs me that the Chosen One, the One foretold in the prophecies is _me! _So he gave me a starter pokémon (my pokédex is at 187. Do you know what Malpigian evolves into?) and a dark wizard cursed by the Juicy Runes of Strawberry Shortcake travels back in time to kill me before I was a threat to him, but it turns out that I had _already _killed him before the…wait, this isn't going to make any sense until I explain the conspiracy the Canadian Air Force to cover up the death of the Red Baron (Am I going to fast for you?). So it turns out that_Hitler_ – hold on, is that ominous door way up there Kingdom Hearts? Of course! Then it all makes sense! Let's all take down Eisner and restore peace to the - what, am I too…?"  


**THE END**


	24. 024 All Things Old Rejected Materia

Despite the vast number of bad jokes that made it into _Corporate Hearts_, there is an even vaster number of bad jokes, crappy plotlines, and stupid twists that got rejected. And so, in the true spirit of the internet, we shall now proudly post some unfunny shit that nobody should ever read:

CORPORATE HEARTS

ALL THINGS OLD – THE REJECTED MATERIA

* * *

_First, something I'm actually proud of. This is the playlist for the Corporate Hearts UST (Unoriginal Soundtrack). Hopefully, these songs represent what CH is all about. Tracks canNOT be obtained by emailing me and asking nicely, especially not the last one wink wink nudge nudge cough cough._

* * *

01). Dearly Beloved - Kingdom Hearts OST

02). Going Under - Evanescence

03). The Beginning Is the End Is the Beginning - Smashing Pumpkins

04). Small Town Trap - Eve 6

05). Who Will Save Your Soul - Jewel

06). The World I Know - Collective Soul

07). It's the End of the World as We Know It - REM

08). Mickey Mouse Club March - Kingdom Hearts OST

09). The Internationale - Billy Bragg

10). Comfort Eagle - Cake

11). Monkey Wrench - Foo Fighters

12). Precious Declaration - Collective Soul

13). Blake's Jerusalem - Billy Bragg

14). Wanna Be Loved - dc Talk

15). Where Is the Love - Black Eyed Peas

16). Why Can't We Be Friends - Smash Mouth

17). Dirge - Seventh Seal

18). [Bonus Track Kingdom Hearts Will Go On - Corporate Hearts All Male Revue

* * *

_Here's a rejected parody for Simple and Clean. It doesn't fit the meter, it doesn't make any sense, but it is highly offensive, so here you go._

* * *

You've given me an STD  
Sadly, it's HIV  
You smiled at me and said,  
"Don't get me wrong I love you  
But does that mean I have to wear a condom?"  
When we're six feet under you'll understand  
What I meant when I said "Hey,  
You maybe should go see a doctor."

All because you said  
Latex makes you red  
Jeez, oh baby, I got  
Acquired Immunodeficiency Syndrome tonight  
My T-cell count is low

Hold me  
Whatever lies inside this needle  
Has now entered my bloodstream  
Some junkie has doomed me  
By leaving it in this public park  
Stupid damn crack whore

* * *

_We went through three or four different versions of Blake's near death experience before settling on the infomercial. In the earliest version of the story, Noel and Blake entered a Final Fantasy world by changing the Universe's pause menu options from real-time combat to turn based. Yeah, dumb, I know. Anyway, since Kingdom Hearts isn't turn based, that idea was totally shot._

* * *

Chapter : Time Froze in a Mysterious Fashion

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Blake woke up and found himself in a place between life and death. He was trapped in an endless void, surrounded by giant letters that spelled out cryptic phrases like "PARTY", "EQIP", "ITEMS", and "MAGIC". How long he had been there, he could not know.

Out of nowhere, a deep, commanding voice boomed out at him. "WOULD YOU LIKE A TUTORIAL ON THE MENU SCREEN?"

"Meep!" Blake jumped into the air and wet his pantaloons. Then he hid behind "OPTIONS".

"IN ORDER TO CHANGE THE MEMBERS OF YOUR PARTY, SELECT..." the voice droned.

---

Blake woke up and found himself in a place between life and death. He was floating above a series of translucent boxes that had slow moving lights moving between them. In the distance, there was a deep blue fog. The words 'Sony Computer Entertainment' appeared before his eyes, and he plunged into the fog.

He blacked out.

'Playstation 2' flashed with blue light, only to be replaced again by darkness.

"Am I dead?" he wondered. "And when did Sony buy the afterlife? That sounds more like a Microsoft thing."

A pure white light fell on the words 'Published by Square Electronic Arts, L.L.C.'

"Ahh, I made it to the good place!"

'Disney Interactive'

"NOOOOOO!"

* * *

_The following note contains a semi-spoiler for KH2._

_At one point, there was going to be an organization of mysterious cloaked guys who were guiding Noel. And apparently he was in a computerized training simulator (don't ask me, I just wrote it). Let me point out that this was written before KH2 came out and Roxas went through a similar computer thingie at the hands of Ansem – and that we rejected the idea as "too stupid." Sadly, Roxas' part of KH2 was probably the best part of the game._

* * *

Chapter : Satan's Lesser Known Spawn

A thousand miles and several dimensions away, a group of ominous figures in black raincoats with too many zippers watched him on a mystic scrying glass. One of them flipped on a microphone.

"Here goes nothing," he muttered under his breath.

A mysterious voice suddenly spoke in Noel's mind.

"So much to do, so little time…take your time."

Noel frowned and cleaned out his ear with his finger. This seemed terribly familiar.

The mysterious voice sighed and turned to the other raincoat-wearing people. "This is hopeless. How many times have we run him through the training simulator?"

"Erm, I believe the exact number is in the low twenties."

The voiceover guy gave him a look. "Whatever."

Noel went back to flicking his fingers.

"Don't be afraid," said the voice, "The door is still shut. Now…STOP FLICKING YOUR FINGERS!"

Noel stuck his middle finger up as hard as he could.

* * *

_A shorter version of this scene appears in Chapter Seven, but we figured the story probably had enough angsty teenager jokes already_

* * *

The mysterious stranger sat in his boxer shorts, waiting for his brown cloak to be cleaned. To pass the time, he sulked around his private lair of brooding, writing angst-ridden poetry. Posters of The Crow and Akira lined the walls. Well-thumbed copies of Johnny the Homicidal Maniac lay scattered across the floor, along with the occasional Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue. A Linkin Park/Evanescence mix tape blasted from his stereo.

Ansem's underling walked down the hall towards the room, hands clapped over his ears. "Darn kids and their music," he thought bitterly, pounding on the door. "Ansem, sir?" he shouted, "We're almost ready to start the rape of another universe. Just thought you should know."

"Ahh, they have taken the bait, then?"

"Yes sir."

Ansem laughed. "The time for the incantation draws nigh."

The underling grunted in affirmation and began to walked off.

"Hey, did you get those coffee stains out of my cloak yet? It's drafty in here!" yelled Ansem.

"We're working on it sir!" shouted the underling through clenched teeth.

* * *

_The next scene was the old opening of Chapter Eight. It's moderately funny, but Night Mare jokes are also pretty much played out_

* * *

For the longest time, Noel was lost in the darkness. He dreamt of destruction and fire, telethons and Sarah Michelle Gellar (don't ask). He rode the Night Mare over glen and field, through rivers and valleys and gardens. He gave it a carrot and a lump of sugar and brushed its coat. Noel Kleidon had always wanted a pony.

But, all good things must come to an end, even pony rides. Noel took the Night Mare back to its stable and suddenly came to consciousness in a back alley that smelled of booze and urine. He had a killer headache.

* * *

_This would've been in Chapter Twelve, but was deemed unnecessary. Like this note._

* * *

"Hey Maleficent!" yelled Blake, waving his hands.

Maleficent looked up from her embroidering. "Blake? Did you finish your tutoring session already?"

Blake nodded proudly.

"I suppose you want a minion snack then..."

"Nope! …Well, not right now. Ah, what the hell, what do you got today?"

"Your choice of soul-corrupting dark powers or a bag M&Ms."

"M&Ms, please."

Maleficent threw him the bag. He tore it open and began sorting them out by color. 

* * *

_Ah, the old version of the fight scene in Chapter Thirteen. Originally, Aerith was going to be Corporate Hearts' Kenny. Every chapter she would try and get revenge on the party, and every chapter Sephiroth would pop out and kill her. That turned out to be way more effort than it was worth._

* * *

True to Donald's word, the chair reappeared. Together, they clambered up its side and onto the table. Unfortunately, Aerith was waiting for them at the top with a flamethrower.

"So," she said, pulling down a pair of goggles, "I think I owe duck-face a favor.

"Crap on a stick!" screamed Donald, as the liquid flames cascaded over his body, burning him to a crisp.

Aerith laughed manically. "Hahaha! No one can stop me now!"

"BANZIA!" screamed Sephiroth, as he dropped from the chandelier and stabbed her gas tank, causing it to explode. Flames shot everywhere, casting his body in an ominous light.

"Sephiroth!" screamed Noel, "You're my hero, dude!"

Sephiroth grinned. It was good to be bad. "Until next time!" he shouted, pulling out an umbrella and flying away.

"Gwarsh, I thought Aerith was already dead," said Goofy.

"Dude, Final Fantasy 7 is all about reincarnation," said Noel, "Obviously, she keeps getting sent back to earth, so he has to track her down and kill her over and over again."

"Yeah, it's not like you don't know anyone else who defies death over and over," said Donald, whose cartoon character abilities had saved him once again.

A roar from the floor told them that Alice had revived consciousness.

"Quick!" Sora said, drawing attention back to the potion. "Which one do we drink? The red one or the blue one?"

"Darn it, what did Morpheus say?" said Noel, thumping his head.

Donald looked over the edge of the table. "Hey, she's not coming this way anymore."

"Where's she going?" snapped Sora.

"Over to that doorknob. She's doing something strange with it…"

In this distance, like the crashing of a waterfall, they all could hear the universe tearing apart. Thousands of Heartless began pouring through the Keyhole, swarming over Wonderland like ants on chunky peanut-butter. Alice turned toward them and laughed.

"It's over, you fools! Wonderland will be pulled into the darkness and lost forever!"

"Well, you heard her," said Noel, "It's time for us to get out of here!"

"You're going nowhere!" screamed Alice. She took two long strides and jumped onto the table, scattering the bottles.

* * *

_Alternate version of the hospital scene in Chapter Fifteen. Blake's explanation was moved to the middle of a riot so as to be slightly less boring. This version reveals Noel's favorite Final Fantasy, which is also the favorite of the person he's based on._

* * *

"There's another way, Noel…" said an ominous voice.

"Another way to what? Another way to get high?" said Noel.

"No, you moron, another way to save these people from certain doom," said Blake, sitting up in his bed, "Haven't you been paying attention?"

"Uh, no. It was freaking boring. They're all like 'oh, the stupid people are gonna die, whatever shall we do wherever shall we go?' Fuck that. _Final Fantasy IX_ was a better game anyway."

* * *

_Alternate ending of Chapter Fifteen, written before it was decided that Blake would be blowing up various worlds. And let me add that it was written before_South Park_'s "Japanese people don't have souls" joke._

* * *

"Makes sense to me," said Goofy, "Anybody who couldn't understand all this would have to be as dumb a stick!"

Noel cleared his throat. "That's freaking wonderful and all," he said, "but we still need a humorous ending for this chapter. It's been so damn boring that I'm about to slip into a coma!"

"I've got an idea," said Goofy, "Let's all go and make fun of Yuffie's weight problem!"

"YAY!" said Sora and Noel. And thus, everyone crowded around Yuffie's bedside and started cracking fat jokes. She suffered irreparable emotional damage, but no one cared because overweight people don't really have souls.

"Yuffie and a cheeseburger, sitting in a tree! K-I-S-S-I-N-G!" chanted Sora.

"You know, liposuction is always an option," sneered Donald. "Or suicide. Whatever's cheaper."

Goofy poked her exposed bellybutton and 'whoo-hooed!' like the Pillsbury Doughboy.

"Hey baby," said Noel, "Is that an Ultima Weapon in your pocket or are you just FAT!"

Blake rolled his eyes. "Listen Yuffie," he said, "Once your world is restored and you get back your ninja speed and silent killing techniques, you'll remember that I didn't taunt you, right?"

Yuffie grinned. "Sure, Blake. Give 'em hell for me and Leon."

* * *

_Ahh, yes, Competent Blake, my grand flirtation with total Mary-Sueism. Blake was originally a total badass who showed up Riku at every turn. I include it as a form of penance._

* * *

"Don't steep yourself in darkness too long," a mocking voice said, "The Heartless consume the careless."

Riku looked up. Behind him stood the gaunt form of his Intern of Evil, shrouded in a tasteful shade of black.

"Don't just stand there, help me!" hissed Riku.

"Relying too heavily on the dark powers could cost you your heart," said his fashion protégé, grinning wide. "That's what Maleficent taught us, right?"

Riku said nothing.

"But don't worry, Riku. I won't let the darkness take you. Even though the Circle of Shadowy Figures from Disney Movies chose to promote you instead of me. I'm not the type to hold a grudge." He laughed coldly and drew his sword, a fencing foil with a fine point. "Just remember, you owe me one."

Riku stood up a stared him in the eye. "I don't need or want your help, Blake," he said, eyes burning like a cow had kicked over the lantern of his soul.

* * *

_The first draft of Chapter Seventeen was written while I was taking _Zen Buddhism_ and _Ethics: Eastern and Western_ at Kansai Gaidai University. It includes a needlessly complex discussion of religious influences in Square games between Blake and Cloud. It's extraordinarily boring and requires a knowledge of stupid Zen factiods to be even mildly amusing. So yeah, pretty much par for course in this fanfic._

_Sephiroth really was voiced by Lance Bass._

* * *

The sun beat down on the Coliseum. It broke on the shimmering bronze statues of glorious warriors, sparkling in the midst of the mostly empty stands. But despite the miserable sun and dusty air, a boy in a black coat sat in the stands, absorbed in a conversation with a man with one massive wing.

"It's so simple when you think about it, Cloud. In _FFVII_, you killed Sephiroth, the one winged angel. Thus, in _Kingdom Hearts_, you have _become_ a one winged angel. Sephiroth abused his powers of badassness in _FFVII_, so in _Kingdom Hearts_, he's voiced by a member of N' Sync. It's karmic retribution is what it is."

Cloud rolled his eyes at Blake's facetiousness. "Now _really_. If Square-Enix wanted to expound a doctrine of karmic retribution, don't you think that Aerith would've killed Sephiroth by now? As it is, I remain single and angst-ridden due to the fact that she met her untimely end back in chapter nine. Your argument is nothing but a house of cards built on a foundation of irrationality."

"Mixing metaphors again, are we? It must be that military training that impairs your logical facilities."

"One would be foolish to attack an ex-member of Soldier _ad homin _while he is holding a giant sword."

"Indeed."

"Quite."

Donald shifted his position for the hundredth time. His ass had fallen asleep about and hour ago in this damn lotus position. To hell with this. It was time to say something.

"What the fuck does this meditation bullshit have to do with entering the damn kill-fest?" he said, uncrossing his webbed feet.

Philoctetes adjusted his saffron robes and looked at them with calm, clear eyes of infinite beneficence. "I have seven words for you: bologna." In his hand, he twirled a single flower.

Goofy smiled. Donald frowned. Hercules clapped with one hand. In the sky above them, Sephiroth flew with one wing.

"So…"

"Rule number 11: the more legal affairs are given prominence, the more numerous bandits and thieves."

"What?" squawked Donald.

"If a tree falls in a forest, and nobody hears it, what is the meaning of the sixth Patriarch's coming from the West?"

"Huh?"

"A man walks into a bar – and shouts NO as a red-hot iron ball he has swallowed, which he vomits and vomits, but cannot bring forth."

"…Now you're just being obnoxious."

"If you wish to enter the Coliseum, you must first realize your true nature. As long as you grasp for it, you will fail to see that it has been within you all along. This is what is meant by the saying '_If you meet the Buddha on the road, kill him!_'"

So speaking, Phil rose up and started for the door. In a fit of enlightened bloodlust, Goofy pulled out a twelve gauge and blew the satyr's horned head clean off of his shoulders.

Hercules shouted in approval and handed Goofy and entrance pass.

_An annoying goat-man who speaks riddles  
An annoying dog-man with a speech impediment  
Fools laugh at me, but  
The wise man is terribly confused._

"The problem with your argument, Cloud, is that Square-Enix is not responsible for Aerith's death. According to Walt, the presence of myself and Noel is interfering with _Kingdom Hearts_, creating a new, unstable scenario. It is entirely possible that in the true_Kingdom Hearts_ Aerith does indeed get her revenge."

"Well then, in light of your interference, the original intentions of Square-Enix have been entirely eclipsed. This discussion is entirely meaningless."

"Not at all! The chaos caused by our presence has simply _revealed_ the metaphysical structure underlying _Kingdom Hearts_. By comparing it with the religious themes in other Square games, we come closer to an understanding of our predicament – nay, our very selves."

"Elaborate."

"Any second-year philosophy student could see that Square-Enix tends to reinterpret religious traditions, eastern _and_ western. The dilemma of Sin in _FFX_ is a direct reference to the Buddhist teaching of Samsara. The Summoners' efforts to save Spira from extinction simply turn the wheel of karma, creating more suffering."

"What, so Seymour is the Buddha? His campaign to annihilate all life is an expression of the four noble truths? Why do the protagonists then struggle against him?"

"You haven't been listening, my worthy foe. Squenix has _reinterpreted_ Buddhism. Seymour is a villain. Yuna's symbolic marriage to him, which represents mankind's dependence on personal extinction to end suffering, as taught by the ancient faith, is interrupted. Tidus introduces a new salvific religion by rescuing Yuna from traditional salvation."

"And what is this new religion?"

"To find the new faith, all one must do is look at its expression in_FFX-2_. And what is the outcome of the Summoner's struggle? Pop music, 'true love,' and trendy fashion. Squenix is putting forth a religion based on conspicuous consumption, mass entertainment, and attractive teenage bodies. It's basically Buddhism in reverse. Attachments to human beings and material objects form a power so great as to defeat Sin."

"Well, even if your interpretation were correct, what are its implications for _Kingdom Hearts_? It seems to be more grounded in western religions anyway."

"It's quite simple, really. It means that you should stop falling in love with flower-selling tarts who have the survival skills of Kenny from _South Park_. In other words, you need to get _laid,_ Cloud."

* * *

_The original, emotionally overwrought prelude to _Slit Your Wrists.

* * *

Noel and Sora sat on the counter of the abandoned but fully stocked snack bar. Sora gleefully pressed buttons on the soda fountain, laughing and clapping. Noel stuck his arm into the cotton candy maker. Within seconds, it was covered in sugary goodness. He sighed and began licking it off mournfully.

"Hey, you okay?" said Sora.

"Sorry, dude," said Noel, "It's just…don't you think this whole 'go to the coliseum' thing seem dumb to you?"

"Dumb? How could mindless violence be dumb?"

Noel jumped off of the concessions stand. "It's like this: Why the hell are we training ourselves to get better at fighting, just like that rat-bastard Blake said?"

"Because that's what he told us to do! It's part of the Plan."

"Whose 'Plan?' His plan? Mickey's plan? 'Till now, we were working for the Corporations and their plans. Does it even fucking matter which plan we're following?" Noel snarled and punched a wall. His gooey fist was instantly cemented to it. Grunting, he managed to free his hand and the wall tiles it was stuck to. "Fuck that. Mickey Mouse messiahs or godless Corporations, we're just tools."

They sat silently for a moment. "It's just…" resumed Noel, talking to the wall. "Blake is fucking evil, but he gets to tell us what to do. We're the good guys and we're getting ass-raped by everyone. It's no good. No matter how hard we try, we just get tossed around from one evil genius' plan to another. We can't keep up."

"It doesn't matter, does it?" said Sora, a laugh in his voice. "I always thought I was gonna do really awesome things, 'cause I'm a hero. Now I have the Keyblade, but it can't even save my friends."

"So is that it?" raged Noel, "Are we just doomed to fall in line behind the bastards that make the rules? Are we really that useless, that powerless, that…pitiful?"

"Yes, you are!" said a voice from down the hall.

Noel and Sora looked for the speaker. "Donald? Goofy?" said Noel.

"Guilty as charged!" replied the duck, an ironic grin on his face.

"You sound a bit down there, buddies," said Goofy.

"You heard us?" said Sora.

"Yup! And it sounds like you guys need a musical number to cheer you up!"

* * *

_There was going to be a fight scene, but I'm so very, very lazy._

* * *

The mighty heroes strode into the blazing noon-day sun so majestically, that it could truly only be described by the word 'strode.' Their arms moved with liquid confidence, cutting through the air like missiles, heads held high in defiant glory. Blake waved at them happily and waved a tiny flag.

Two Heartless soldiers popped into the arena, waving their little fingers menacingly. Sora rolled his eyes in disdain. This was not a challenge worthy of the Keyblade Master.

"Is that the best you can do? Even Noel could take these guys out!"

"Hey!" Noel smacked the back of Sora's head. Donald smacked Noel's head. Goofy smacked Donald's head. Cerberus, three headed guardian of hell, bit Goofy's head clean off of his shoulders.

"Holy fuck!" screamed Donald.

* * *

_Oh Jesus, Jesus fucking Christ. Before it was decided that the worlds were going to be destroyed, Sora and Co. returned to Traverse Town after rescuing Kairi, like in the game. Only in this version, it was so that Blake could give Kairi spiritual counsel. That's right, _spiritual counsel_. I am so very ashamed right now. As you can see, we realized how dumb it was fairly quickly and didn't even bother finishing the last sentence._

* * *

"What do you want, church boy? Isn't it enough that your little friend is treating me like crap? Or did Sora send you up here to tell me he hates me?"

"Hmm…I couldn't help but notice you seemed a little sad, but this is something else." He sat down next to her and stuck his hands in his pockets. "So, what's up?"

Kairi snorted. "Look at me," she said, staring blankly into space, bitterness choking her voice, "I'm a monster, a freak."

"Now, now, I don't care what people say. Your head is NOT-"

"ARRRGGGGHH!"

"Kidding! Just kidding! Please continue."

"I destroyed my own world, Blake. I destroyed it so that Sora would notice me, but now he won't even look at me." She stood up and turned her back on Blake. "It's so unfair," she whispered, "All I wanted was to save him, but thanks to me, he almost became a Heartless."

"He's important to you, isn't he?"

"Yeah. We have…had…this bond, like

* * *

_A queer smile indeed. This is probably the most shame-inducing rejected materia. I have no excuse. Corporate Hearts was going to turn into theological masturbation, that was the plan. There's still a little bit of this sort of thing in Chapter Fifteen, but at least that's done semi-tastefully. I hope._

_It really is hard to stay true to your beliefs without alienating your audience. And there are a lot of theological points that perhaps a better author could've pulled from _Kingdom Hearts_ without being hokey. But ultimately, even God would've found this ending preachy._

* * *

"It is finished," said Blake, wiping the sweat from his brow.

"Then we are free! No more will the Corporations tell us how live our lives, we are free to serve ourselves!" said Donald, waving his wand.

"Free?" said Blake with a queer smile, "Yes, you are free indeed. And that freedom was bought with a high price. As for serving the self, I would not curse anyone to do that. Whoever serves the self finds that he has the most oppressive master of all. No, you are freed from darkness, and have come into the light."

"The former things have passed away. I declare this day that the Kingdom of the Heart has become the Kingdom of the Light! The Accuser is cast out, the worlds are born again, the law is written on every heart. All things are made new and _post tenebras, lux!_"

"Huh?" said Noel.

"'_After darkness, light_'"

* * *

_Finally, for a brief, insane part of my life, I considered a complete and total rewrite, tentatively titled _Corporate Hearts: Final Mix_. The idea was that Noel was insane and would travel across the country with the Donald and Goofy costumed characters from Disneyland in Florida to kill Eisner in California. They would keep encountering scenarios that resembled the plot of Kingdom Hearts, only twisted._

_Somehow, I convinced myself that this would propel the genre of fanfiction into respectability. Don Quixote meets modern fan culture. It was a very, very bad idea that would've been way too much work and probably not very funny._

* * *

Once, there were two girlfriend-less teenagers who thought so highly of themselves that they decided to insert themselves into a fan fiction. They had no talents or abilities beyond normal mortals. Their lives were not filled with colorful and humorous adventures. They would just sit around, play video games, watch movies, and argue endlessly. You know the type, a duo of irreverent 'crazy' social outcasts without driver's licenses or jobs. The type of people who walk around making Columbine jokes and singing death metal songs barber-shop style just to make people nervous.

The taller one was Neil Kleidon, a foul-mouthed, skinny-as-a-rail, 6'5" monstrosity with spiky hair. He was dressed in skateboarding punk clothing, although he had the board skills of an elderly Amish gentleman with a broken leg and milk-churning-related arthritis. Shorter and more filled with angst was Blake Avery, a shy and sensitive male whose sexuality was a matter of fierce debate. He was dressed in a tattered military-surplus jacket that never left his body and black pants several sizes too large.

"Blake, it's like this," said Neil as he threw back a Mountain Dew. "There's a lot of shitty people in the world. First of all, you have child pornographers. Not good people, right? Then, you have Hitler. Although I can agree with killing the Jews, as long as they get you too. Friggin' semi-Semite." He crumpled the can and threw it onto his parents' couch. Dregs of caffeine-laden liquid splashed onto its leather surface, permanently staining a five-thousand-dollar investment.

"Gee, thanks a bunch. It's nice to know you're looking out for me," said his friend (who was, indeed, quarter Jewish). He was stretched out on the second couch, absentmindedly playing with the zipper on his jacket.

"Anyway, after Hitler, you have lawyers. Then… my sister, the fucking whore." Neil groped around for another Dew blindly, not wanting to take his eyes off of the TV, where he was playing _FFX-2: Charlie's Gullwings_.

"See, now you're just making stuff up. Killing all Hebrews, whatever, but your own sister as the epitome of evil?" Smirking at his irreverence for his own ethnic background, Blake sat up and handed Neil a can. "Besides, my dad's a lawyer. For Disney, I might add."

"Damnit, Blake, how the hell am I supposed to make my point when you keep cutting me off?" Neil said, indignant. He paused to open the can. "After the lawyers, and that includes your father, the most evil specimen of human being ever to befoul to face of God's green earth are the fan fiction writers."

Blake rolled his eyes. "This again. Why are you always making fun of fan fiction?"

"Because it's fucking stupid! It's a bunch of 15-year-old hacks that can't get laid sitting around and raping their favorite stories with self-worshiping bullshit. Motherfuckers don't even know what a goddamn spellchecker is. And then their little friends tell them how fucking great they are so that they can get their stupid little character into the story too."

Blake sighed and rolled his eyes. "You know, I write fan fiction and am completely capable of using spell-check."

"True," said Neil, "But that doesn't mean that your stories aren't pieces of shit. Hell, you never even finish anything."

"Think of it as an extended cliff-hanger. Besides, it's not like anyone actually reads my stories." Blake pouted a little, inwardly wondering why no one was interested in his subtle allegorical interpretation of the religious heritage of _Animorphs_ (entitled_Aximili-Esgarrouth-Isthill's Progress, _and still available on hazarded a look away from the game to arch an eyebrow at his friend. "It's good that no one reads your bullshit. The only way those stories get popular is if the author puts gay sex in them."

"That's not true!"

"Oh yeah? Then why is there slash fan fiction for _Pong_?"

"…For _Pong_?"

"Mm-hmm."

"God save us all."

* * *

_That's it, that's all, get out. There will never be a sequel, and if there is, I swear to God that I will never, ever finish it. It's been a hell of a ride and insanely fun, but damn if it didn't swallow a massive, irreplaceable portion of my life._

_Is there anything else that needs to be said? Noel Kleidon is based on a great friend named Jon Roberts. Blake Avery is based on my self. Sadly, this story portrays our relationship very accurately. And I wouldn't have it any other way._

_Thank you so very much for your support and eternal fucking patience, despite the fact that I didn't respond to emails regularly and posted, at best, once every three months. If people hadn't responded to _Corporate Hearts_ the way they did, it would've never made it this far._

_I mean that._Kingdom Hearts_ is fanfiction, and its fans are a supportive bunch._

_Have good lives, you motherfuckers._


End file.
